


To Learn, To Love

by Galacticoaktree



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Complicated Relationships, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2020-10-05 05:21:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 50,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20483528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galacticoaktree/pseuds/Galacticoaktree
Summary: All those partners never meant anything to rowdy, notorious student Alfred. He had begun to think he was incapable of feeling real love. He had begun to think it didn't exist.But Kiku Honda was the embodiment of perfect, and something about his gentle, mysterious ways would shoot Cupid's arrow through Alfred's unbelieving heart.





	1. His decision

Alfred Jones was someone who... was not especially happy with himself. Someone who was not particularly happy with his life.  
It wasn't awful. There wasn't really anything bad in his life.  
He just wasn't content with it.  
When Alfred looked in the mirror, he didn't see the same thing that everyone else at college saw.

He'd made a name for himself. A highly popular, charismatic boy who had a different partner almost every week. He was, along with a handful of his friends, known for being what some would call a 'player'. What others would call a 'heartbreaker'. Someone with bad grades who was close to being kicked out because of them - someone who had lost the will to study hard a long time ago.

Either way, Alfred Jones was notorious for being interested in only one thing. Alfred Jones was notorious for getting what he wanted. Notorious for being the king.

He was the king of his year group. The top of the hierarchy. First in the pecking order. Because that was how it worked. Through middle school, high school, that was always how it had worked for Alfred. He had to be at the top. It was the only thing going for him, he felt. The only thing that he had to latch onto.

Because it didn't matter how many relationships he had. They were always short lived. He'd get bored and move onto the next one. It didn't matter how much sex he got. He'd get bored. He'd get bored and more bored and even more bored, and in this past year or so Alfred had stopped believing in love.

He never actually... Felt anything for anyone. All those partners never meant anything to him.

And yet, he had to stay at the top.

So as he stood in front of the dresser on this drizzly Monday morning, he put a fine toothed comb through his loose golden curls, and stared at himself in the mirror. A tall, ocean blue eyed boy stared back at him, his slight tan a reminder of the past weekend at the beach. Living near the coast was most definitely great for weekends.

The messages on his phone too, a reminder of the past weekend. Angry texts after a breakup. The relationship didn't last long as always. Alfred couldn't understand how someone could get so attached after just four days. Surely he didn't mean anything to the other party by that point either? Alfred almost felt guilty each time - but he reminded himself that there was no point. It wasn't even a formal relationship. He'd just gotten bored again. As always.

Today he'd find someone new to chase anyway.

By lunchtime, Alfred had decided.

He sat at the table with his friends, and pointed over to a boy who sat down at a table at the other side of the cafeteria.  
"That one." Alfred said, a coy smile on his face.  
Mathias and Gilbert turned around to look, before the both of them turned back to Alfred. Mathias chuckled a little.  
"Really?" He asked, genuine about it.  
"That one's going to be difficult." Gilbert remarked. "You know that, right?"  
Alfred leaned back in his seat, not a care in the world.  
"I'm up for the challenge." He said.

None of the three of them had ever even spoken to Kiku Honda.

That was because their social circles just didn't seem to mix. Whilst Alfred ranked high in the pecking order and only hung around with people just as high as him, many students sunk below and simply didn't interact with the cockier, more popular ones. Alfred had 'dated' plenty of people from lower social circles before, and sure, they were no cheerleaders, but all that mattered to him was that he got laid. Alfred knew from the get go that this would be different.

"He literally has like two friends. You seriously think he's going to let you in his pants?" Commented Gil.  
"He's one of the most intelligent people in this cafeteria, Al, he's going to know what you're trying to do right off the bat!" Mathias added.  
"Yeah I know," Alfred responded, "we've all seen his grades, but have you seen him?"  
The three were quiet for a second whilst they turned to watch him.  
It was no lie that Kiku was a pretty young man. He wasn't handsome in the way that was conventional for men of their age, for he wasn't muscular, or sharp. He didn't have a strong jawline, and he didn't stand at six feet tall, but Kiku Honda was exceptionally handsome. He was quite a bit shorter than average, with a soft face, round features, and a skinny structure. Black hair, dark brown eyes, slightly tanned skin and the black, heavy clothes that he wore were all a part of his overall look. Put together, everything made an attractive young person. At least in Alfred's opinion.

"Eh, I guess." Said Mathias, turning back around. "He's no Greek God, but I guess if you're into the little nerdy type."  
"He does have a nice face though." Gilbert followed up. "I think I see what you're seeing."  
"Exactly!" Alfred finished off. "I'd tap that, and I will tap that. Just wait and see."

The thing was, Alfred had actually had his eyes on Kiku for a short while now. Maybe only a couple of weeks. He'd only been waiting so that he could ditch the last one. So as always, he devised for himself a little plan. His plans never went wrong, and by this point Alfred considered himself a master of being accepted right away. First he'd approach Kiku the 'usual' way. Ask him if he wanted to hang out. Second? Profit. This always worked - especially on the kids that nobody cared much about. They'd claw and scrape like animals at the chance to hang out with people like Alfred. More so to be loved by them. It'd be easy. So easy.

So nearing the end of lunchtime, Alfred set his plan in motion. He rose from his seat, friends watching him, swinging his bag over his shoulder, putting on his golden smile that always seemed to enchant those around him. He strode over to the other side of the room, radiating his famous confidence, coolness, his bright, head turning energy. People did look. When Alfred walked like he meant business, people watched him. He was notorious. Onlookers would silently place bets on who he headed for. On whose heart he would shatter next; shatter like dropped glass on impact with the ground, because that's how he always did it. Alfred didn't mind dropping things.

Kiku's friends became alert, and watched him carefully as he approached. The target in question had his back to Alfred. His friends on the other hand faced him, beginning to look defensive as he closed in. The looked at him the same way that one would look at a dangerous, hungry predator. They seemed to be ready for a fight, just in case. Except, Alfred was sure they wouldn't dare. Nobody so much as tried to start fights with him. Everyone knew that Alfred had a lot of social power.

It wasn't like the boys friends were particularly threatening, either. Both of them were tall, possibly even taller than Alfred, but they wouldn't do anything. Heracles almost never showed up to school. He wouldn't even notice anything. Abel kept to himself and rarely spoke unless he needed to. Right now they both watched him with piercing eyes, but Alfred didn't care.

His hand landed firmly on Kiku's shoulder, to which the man appeared surprised, but didn't flinch or move at all. He even so much as seemed to ignore it.  
"Hey." Alfred spoke.  
After a second or so, he turned his head to be met with Alfred behind him.  
Kiku just looked at him silently and expectantly. He frowned, or at least, looked somewhat disinterested. He looked prettier up close though. He had mostly smooth skin, just with slightly darker undereyes, and the odd bit of leftover teenage acne just sprinkled over the sides of his face. His cheeks really were round, his appearance even softer here than from a distance. Alfred was ready to make his question.  
"I wanted to know," Alfred alluringly purred at him, "if you'd like to hang out with me sometime."  
He flashed him a smile, gazing at him over the rim of his glasses.  
Kiku didn't bat an eyelid.  
"No." He answered, and pushed Alfred's hand away, turning back around promptly.

Alfred stopped dead. No? He hadn't expected that. He'd been ready for a little convincing but he hadn't anticipated this. Alfred didn't usually get rejected, and when he did, it was a little less harsh than that.  
However, Alfred knew he wasn't entitled, and he wasn't going to force anything.

So he devised another plan. If this second attempt didn't work, then he'd drop it and leave Kiku alone.

The two only shared a single class, but fortunately this class was once every day, at the end of the day.  
When Alfred turned up, Kiku was already there. He ditched his bags at his own seat and wandered over to Kiku, who sat at the other end of the room. Kiku noticed him coming, and visibly grimaced on sight. He put his head back down and tried to ignore him, but Alfred wasn't put off.  
"Hey." He began again, his hands firmly in his pockets. "Sorry about earlier man. I phrased it badly. I was actually wondering if you'd help me."  
"With what." Kiku barely asked, not even looking up at him.  
"My grades. I suck, I'm seriously going to fail all my classes. I wondered if you'd help me out cause like, I know you score good and all."  
Kiku glanced at him.  
"You do speak as if you could use some grammar correction."  
Alfred swallowed, not letting that get to him.  
"Yeah, so... Do you wanna help a man out?"  
Kiku pursed his lips, clearly thinking about it. Eventually he inhaled, looking up at Alfred again.  
"For how much?"  
Stopping to process it, Alfred took to running his hand through his hair. Kiku looked serious. Completely serious.  
"Uh, what do you mean?"  
"If you want me to tutor you, you're paying me. I have to get something in return, so what are you willing to give me?"  
Alfred had to hold his tongue for a moment. His natural instinct was to say something cocky, or something that he knew would definitely put Kiku off. He had to be really careful.  
"Um, I dunno. What do you want?"  
"At least ten dollars an hour."  
Kiku spoke without hesitation. Alfred was a little taken back.  
"Damn, you're expensive." He said, without even thinking about it.  
"You're wearing a designer jacket, designer shoes, that designer backpack over there. Probably expensive jeans too. The latest phone. You can certainly afford it."  
And that was no lie.  
"Damn, you're... Observant." Alfred muttered this time, feeling almost backed into a corner.  
"Well?"  
He almost wanted to save the money, but Alfred had already made up his mind. He wanted that boy and this was his only chance to get to know him better.

He would have to take it.


	2. Studying is...

So on the day after, Alfred had arranged it so that Kiku would come to his place after all their classes had finished, and would help him out. So far, Alfred thought he'd done pretty well. After all, he'd got Kiku's phone number now, and that was a win in his book.

His friends laughed at him during lunch. Mathias and Gilbert were practically howling, flailing around in their seats, slamming the table, wiping their eyes. If the two could've been described as any sort of animal, they'd have been hyaenas right now.  
"So you're-" Gilbert spoke between childish snorts, "paying _HIM_-"  
"To hang out with _YOU_?" Mathias finished before they both collapsed into another fit of laughter.  
Because of course, an absolute nobody getting paid by the KING just to hang out for a short while was the most ludicrous, hilarious thing anyone could think of.  
"Shut _up_." Snapped Alfred, lurching forward at them over the table.  
They stopped momentarily and began giggling all over again.  
"Al, Al, don't get your panties in a fucking twist, it's just so _funny_." Gilbert taunted.  
"Yeah well," Alfred fought back, "we'll see who's laughing when I get to smash him and you don't."  
Gilbert sighed.  
"I'll be amazed if you do, Al."  
"I bet he's a good fuck though." Mathias added once again. Alfred folded his arms, sat back, and triumphantly grinned.  
"Yeah, and it's this guy who's going to find out."

When that class finally came around Alfred strolled up to Kiku's desk yet again.  
The raven haired man looked up at him slowly, simply acknowledging his presence, rather than saying anything.  
"We still on for tonight?" Alfred nonchalantly asked him, putting on his famous charmer smile. Kiku seemed less than impressed.  
"Yes. So long as you're still willing to go by the ten dollars per hour rate."  
Alfred fake laughed.  
"Absolutely, buddy."

So at the end of the class. Kiku stood back and waited for Alfred to grab his stuff. The two waited at the same bus stop every day anyway, but got different buses. Carelessly, Alfred shoved his books into his backpack as usual. Most of the covers on them were bent and wrinkled these days. Some even had ruined pages now, but their owner was far past the point of caring. He swung the bag over one shoulder, and turned to face Kiku, ocean blue eyes locking onto the man. Kiku stood against the wall waiting, gazing toward the floor, black messenger back over his shoulder, a few books held to his chest that he presumably couldn't fit in, and as usual, he wore his long, black duffle coat fully fastened and buttoned up. He always did that, no matter how hot it was - not that Alfred would've ever noticed it before now.  
"Alrighty." Chirped the American, making his way over, swinging the door open for Kiku in one swift movement. Kiku didn't seem to care, and just exited silently.

Walking to the bus stop was a little awkward, since Alfred occasionally tried to start a conversation and was either repeatedly ignored, or answered so quietly that he didn't understand what was being uttered. Luckily for them, they weren't stuck at the stop for long, and the bus showed up fast. Kiku got on first and traveled right to the back by himself, sitting at the seat second to last, shuffling up to the window. Alfred got on after, and made a point of going to sit next to Kiku. He sat down firmly, leaning back, making himself comfortable. Kiku didn't look at him and even attempted to shuffle closer to the window. Alfred noticed and eased off just slightly, giving the poor man a bit of space. Kiku didn't seem like he wanted to have a conversation. He so much as even got his phone out as well as a set of headphones, turning on music and leaning away to gaze out of the window.

Alfred took his lack of attention as an opportunity to take in more detail about him. So far, practically crushing him on this bus was the closest he'd gotten to Kiku, so he got to have a good look at him. His hair looked soft - the midnight colour had an impeccable shine to it, and not a single hair was out of place. He smelled good, too. It was rather subtle, and he certainly didn't douse himself in body sprays (like Alfred did) but rather he simply had a clean, fresh scent to him. Almost like those so very lightly scented soaps that you buy from generic grocery stores for a few cents. It just smelled fresh, yet rather plain, and that almost seemed to suit Kiku perfectly. Alfred's eyes drifted and caught Kiku's legs. He was sitting properly, legs firmly together, his bag on the floor in front of them. Alfred could see the shape of his thighs from this angle though. He couldn't wait to be touching those thighs. They didn't look particularly squishy, nor did they look toned. They were small and skinny like the rest of him. Given the size difference, Alfred figured he could probably hold an entire leg in one hand. He unconsciously bit down on his lip. That was generally the sort of grip he liked to have. Alfred found himself getting almost too carried away, so he turned the other way to watch the street.

Once his stop came, he gave Kiku a quick squeeze on the shoulder and started walking down the bus. He pressed the bell and Kiku was soon waiting patiently behind him. Both of them thanked the driver and set off walking to the apartment block where Alfred was living. Most students around this area lived in apartments. Some better than others, depending on how much you were willing to pay. Kiku had expected Alfred to live in one of the more expensive, high end buildings, but the block was actually rather average, despite being so tall. He led Kiku into the building, and up to the seventh floor, where his apartment was.

Upon seeing the room however, it was almost just what Kiku had expected. It had a fairly roomy kitchen area, as well as a sizable desk and living area. The furnishings were pretty chic and modern, definitely the sort of thing that Alfred would seem to like. Kiku instantly noticed crumbs and such on the countertops, as well as a pile of clearly unwashed laundry in the corner. There were a couple doors which Kiku assumed were the bedroom and bathroom.

"Make yourself at home!" Alfred chimed, shutting the door behind them and hanging up his jacket.  
Kiku watched him. There were quite a few different expensive jackets hung up on that rack. Alfred just wore a t shirt underneath, so removing the jacket exposed his somewhat muscular arms. His golden brown tan extended to those too. To Kiku however, it simply made sense that someone like Alfred would keep fit and in the sun. It really just seemed like the sort of person he was.

Kiku sort of stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. He was a little unsure of what to do or where to sit. It wasn't like he'd been asked to tutor before, and it wasn't like he'd been to Alfred's house before either.  
Alfred noticed him and chuckled.  
"Just chill, Kiku, I'm getting you a drink. We can both just sit on the carpet and study there." He said, reaching for two mugs out of the cupboard.  
"Ah. Thank you." Kiku replied.  
He kept his coat on instead of hanging it up, and went to sit on the rug next to the coffee table. The carpet was actually rather comfortable, and Kiku got to work getting out his books.  
"How do you take your coffee?" Alfred called over.  
"Black. No sugar." Kiku replied.

As he was piling up those books, keeping the stack perfectly neat, Alfred came over holding two cups of hot coffee. He handed one to Kiku, who took it and held it with both of his hands. Even when he sipped from it, he kept both hands on the cup. Alfred couldn't help but smile. It was almost cute how he held it like that.

Alfred didn't realise it at that point, but he hadn't seen someone as cute for a long, long time.

"What was it that you wanted to study, then?" Kiku asked calmly, setting down his cup.  
"Okay so, what I thought was maybe you could have a look at one of my assignments that sucked and uhhh... Like, show me how to improve it better!"  
Kiku nodded. "I can do that."  
"Awesome! So basically, this essay failed, so I thought like, if you show me how to make it good, then next time I'll know and I can get a better grade!"  
Kiku nodded again and waited as Alfred produced the assignment on his laptop.

Kiku analysed it quickly, and set to work lecturing Alfred about this and that. Occasionally he'd stop and rephrase something when Alfred didn't understand it, and then carry on.  
Alfred was kind of amazed by just how smart this guy was on top of how attractive he was too. At least in Alfred's eyes. Alfred even almost felt a tiny bit intimidated by him.  
He found himself not listening, and rather, he simply became engrossed in the sound of Kiku's voice. He had a nice one. Deep, a little low pitched, but not too far from an average pitch either. He sounded rich, yet soft in both sound and tone. He had an overall gentle voice. He almost reminded Alfred of those book narrators that you could almost fall asleep to. He just had a nice voice.

Before he knew it, Alfred had completely zoned out. When he snapped back into it, he had no idea what Kiku was talking about, and even worse, he had no idea why he had suddenly just become preoccupied by the sound of Kiku's voice. He momentarily tried to figure it out, but he had to shake it off quickly, because Kiku was still talking and he only got more and more confused.

Kiku seemed to shuffle at that very moment, turning his head so that his chocolate eyes met Alfred's.  
"You haven't interrupted me in a while." He said quietly. "Did you get it?"  
Alfred was put on the spot.  
He swallowed, staring at Kiku and then at the laptop, then back at Kiku.  
"It... is alright if you didn't, Alfred. I will explain it again, or we can do this another day, if you'd like."  
Alfred decided to awkwardly laugh it off.  
"Yeah sorry man, it didn't really sink in." He forced another laugh. "I'm honestly pretty stupid, I don't really know how I got in!"  
Kiku stared at him. He didn't laugh. Instead, he sat up properly and closed the laptop.  
"I feel that this is enough for today..." He went quiet, before he spoke up once more. "Alfred... I don't think that you are stupid. Did someone tell you that?"  
Freezing on the spot, Alfred racked his brain. He didn't know why Kiku would ask that, but at the same time...  
"I- Not really. But nobody's ever told me I'm smart, y'know? I get stuff wrong a lot, so it just makes sense."  
Kiku listened intently, tucking a lock of that pretty black hair behind his ear.  
"I don't think that you should put yourself down... For what it's worth, I'm sure you wouldn't be so widely popular if you weren't smart enough to get all those people's attention. We are just smart in different ways."  
Taken aback slightly, Alfred nodded, suddenly gazing at Kiku with more respect than he had been.  
"Yeah. Yeah! Maybe you're right." He said, snapping out of it and putting on his killer smile again. "So, that's it for today?"  
"Yes, I think that would be best. That was two hours, so..."  
"Cool. Twenty dollars."  
Kiku nodded and took the money which Alfred produced from his back pocket.

Alfred walked Kiku back to the bus stop, and once the man had gotten on the bus and left, Alfred stopped to think. As much as it seemed it was going to cost him, he was suddenly more determined than ever to have Kiku. Whatever it would take, Alfred decided that he would romance that boy no matter what. He would. He had to.


	3. Funny Cats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred and Kiku's study sessions continue.

"Hey Gilbert," Mathias begun, unwrapping a candy for himself. "Is your brother still dating that guy?"  
Gilbert wrinkled his nose in response, giving Mathias a slight glare.  
"You better not be trying to get in my little brother's pants, bitch." He spat back.  
Alfred couldn't help but cackle at their bickering that followed.  
"No, asshole! I was just wondering what he's doing these days, that's all!"  
Mathias crunched the candy and held his head up, trying to act as if he was acting better than Gilbert.  
"Yeah well, didn't sound like it!" The German hissed in response.  
Alfred swung his arms around both their necks.  
"Girls, girls... You're both pretty." He joked, chuckling away as they seemed to drop the attitude.  
"Besides," Mathias spoke up, "I've actually got my eye on that uh.. what's his name, that angry guy. Lukas? Yeah!"  
"Though actually, Gil," Alfred butt in, "_Is_ Ludwig still going out with that one guy?"  
"By guy do you mean Feliciano? Cause yeah, he is." Gilbert replied. "They'll be celebrating a year of dating, soon. Lil bro actually _likes_ committment. Can't relate. Not going to lie though, I can see why he's happy with that artsy Italian kid. Currently I'm _trying_ to flirt with his twin brother-"  
Alfred snorted.  
"Lovino?! You poor fucking bastard."  
Him and Mathias set off snickering, whilst Gilbert gave them a shove.  
"Look, he's a rude little bitch, but he has a pretty face." He spat.  
"Good luck with that, then." Mathias half joked. Alfred had a challenge trying not to laugh again.  
"You know what, Alfred?" Gilbert continued, "If you find this so funny, then how is _your_ little adventure going?"  
"Uh, good." Alfred said.  
Truth be told, he didn't have much to say about the past couple of weeks. He'd studied with Kiku a few times, but the boy was far from stupid, and wouldn't let Alfred get close.  
Mathias snickered.  
"You aren't getting anywhere, are you?"  
"I guess not." Sighed Alfred.  
"The downfall of the great king!" Gilbert pushed in, attempting to antagonise poor Alfred.  
"I just haven't come across anyone this stubborn before.. yet not actually pushing me away. Does that make sense?"  
Mathias continued laughing in the background, whilst Gilbert continued teasing.  
"You know why? Because you paid him to hang out with you, that's why he's not pushing you away!"  
Alfred made a deep sigh.  
"Yeah. Unfortunately for me, he's still charging me like ten dollars an hour. I've genuinely given him almost a hundred bucks already."  
Gilbert and Mathias almost fell apart laughing. Again.  
"A HUNDRED DOLLARS?!" Cried Gilbert.  
"You're becoming a _real_ loser, Alfred!" Howled Mathias.  
"I am not!" Alfred snapped, for real this time.

He would not be seen as a loser. Not ever. Alfred's reputation mattered far, far too much to him for that.

Alfred wanted to be respected. He was desperate to be powerful, to be practically worshipped. He always had been. It felt ingrained in him. Being respected by others - being treated as a king, was the only thing that often kept him from tumbling deep into the endless void of self hatred. That was why he had to stay on top.

It was that night when Kiku was helping Alfred again, that Alfred almost felt as if he made a slight breakthrough.

Kiku sat on the floor with him as always, wearing his huge black coat, pointing at the laptop and saying complicated things that Alfred didn't understand. The problem was, as much as he didn't seem interested, the more time he spent with Alfred, the more Alfred became interested in him.

"Did you get it?" He asked, in his gentle, soothing voice.  
Alfred hadn't been paying attention.  
"Uh, not really." He replied, leaning back on his palms. Kiku looked at him, then nodded slowly.  
"That's alright. I'll go back over it for you."  
That was usually the point where Kiku would offer to just continue some other time.  
"Uh, are you sure?"  
Kiku gave him a glance.  
"Well... If you would like to go over it again, then we can. Do you not want to?"  
"Oh no, I'd actually like it. I was jus' surprised you offered."  
Alfred shuffled up to him, determined to genuinely pay attention this time. Despite the fact that he was only doing this because he had a.. specific end goal in mind, these sessions actually WERE helping with his plummeting grades. If he could get more out of it than just what he wanted in the end, then that was a bonus to him.  
Kiku tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and started again, simplifying it slightly for poor Alfred.  
Kiku was always very thorough with his explanations. He would highlight, point out, get very in depth and if he was really feeling it, would also explain in depth about his thought process. He'd started bringing a small whiteboard and marker so that if he got ahead of himself, he could visually explain it to Alfred too. Sometimes, if he was quietly working something out in his head first, he would doodle a little animal in the corner of the board. Most of the time, it was a little kitty. Some days, it was a dog, or a rabbit, too. If he was particularly deep in thought, then the whiteboard might even end up with all three. Alfred kind of liked seeing him do that. He didn't know why, and he couldn't explain it, but he just.. kind of liked it.  
Alfred listened intently, but got distracted again watching Kiku's hands. He kept pointing at words on the screen, and Alfred soon found that instead of looking at such words, he was watching Kiku again. He had somewhat dainty hands. They were small, and clearly Kiku looked after them. Not a single fingernail was uneven or longer than the others, and his hands weren't dirty or scratched in the least. If anything, his hands were just very pale, and rather thin too. They looked like hands that would get cold somewhat easily, or at least Alfred thought so. He was struck by a small desire to touch his hand. He didn't know why, and it's not like he'd do it, but Alfred found himself daydreaming over the idea of holding Kiku's hand. He just wanted to see what it felt like in his own... He just wanted to see.

Alfred blinked as he snapped out of it. Kiku was staring at him, silent and motionless.  
Alfred kind of had to try and laugh it off. This was already awkward. Did Kiku know what he was staring at? Or did he just think he zoned out again? Either way, it was going to be difficult to explain how his mind had wandered not once, but twice in the span of five minutes.  
"Oh, you know, haha I... Got distracted again."  
Kiku swallowed and sat up, putting his hands on his knees.  
"Alfred, if you can't concentrate today, that's alright.." Kiku slowly replied.  
Alfred paused, unsure of what to do here.  
"No, no, it's fine." He had to change the atmosphere fast, so he showed Kiku a stunning grin and leaned back. "Why don't we just take a little break and come back to it?"  
Kiku watched him, his expression unchanged.  
"That's... Alright."  
Kiku suddenly seemed a little nervous, as if he wasn't sure what Alfred even meant by that. He sat curled up in a ball, resting his head on his knees now, and he let his eyes trail to the floor.  
Alfred had already gotten up, and was messing around in the kitchen. Listening to him, Kiku could make out the clink of glasses and rustling of some packets, and sure enough, Alfred came back with two full glasses of soda and a bowl of potato chips. He set them down, and Kiku watched him silently.

"I thought we could just chat and unwind or something!" Alfred said, passing him one of the glasses.  
Kiku lifted his head and, as always, took the drink in both of his hands.  
"Chat..?" He spoke quietly, lifting the glass towards his lips.  
Those lips were a pale pink, but were slightly chapped and even cut in some places. It looked like he bit them a lot. Weirdly enough, it was almost attractive. Despite it, they definitely looked soft.  
Alfred had to snap out of it yet again, and was met with Kiku giving him a worried glance.  
"Alfred are you.. alright? You don't feel unwell or anything, do you?"  
"Oh god, sorry, not at all. I guess I'm just tired from being at the gym a lot today!" Which, wasn't exactly a lie.  
"I see... You go to the gym a lot, don't you?"  
"Oh yeah, almost every day if I can. I might as well, y'know?"  
"That's understandable. I've never actually been to one."  
"Really? Wow! What do you like doing in your spare time then, Kiku?"  
Kiku went quiet and went for another sip of his drink.  
"I.. well.. I study.."  
"Besides studying though, you gotta have hobbies right? Other than gym, I like video games for example!"  
Kiku glanced up at him before his eyes shot to the floor again.  
"Oh, I like video games as well." His voice suddenly went quieter than before, almost as if he was embarrassed. "I like.. drawing, too. I also like.. um.. animal videos."  
Alfred smiled.  
But it wasn't one that he put on. No, this was a genuine smile for him. Just a soft, small, sincere smile because of what Kiku said.  
"Animal videos?" Alfred asked, "like funny cats?"  
Kiku nodded without looking over. Now it really was clear that he was feeling bashful.  
It was at this point that Alfred felt a little fluttery feeling in his chest. It surprised him. He didn't recall getting that before. He didn't even know what it was. It caught him completely off guard.

But something about Kiku sitting there, curled up with his knees to his chest, his head down, avoiding Alfred's gaze, fiddling with his drink and embarrassed over something absolutely tiny, made Alfred feel like there were almost.. butterflies inside him? That was probably the best way to describe it. He was just.. so... Alfred didn't even know.

"There's nothing wrong with funny cats, you know." He beamed, watching Kiku shift a little. "I'm more of a dog person myself, though! I like golden retrievers best. Do you have a favourite kind of dog? Or cat?"  
Alfred wasn't one to even.. ask these sort of questions; these genuine, innocent questions weren't really his style. It's just that right now, he did actually want to know.  
"I like shiba dogs. I also like.. all cats, really."  
"Nice!" Alfred replied. He moved onto another subject, and another, and another.

"I'm sorry that I'm not much fun to talk to." Kiku eventually said.  
Alfred looked at him quizzically.  
"What do you mean?"  
"I'm just not used to having.. long conversations, I guess."

But for what it was worth, Alfred didn't even know how long he'd been chatting to Kiku. Something in him desired more. Something in him desired to have really, really long, deep conversations with Kiku. Something deep within Alfred seemed to surface within his mind because that something wanted to hear more of Kiku, wanted to know Kiku better. That something _wanted_ Kiku.

Alfred wasn't sure he was just in it for Kiku's body anymore. He couldn't be sure, but it had been a couple of weeks of studying now, and at this particular session, Alfred was barely even thinking about the sex anymore... and he had never had that happen before. Alfred had never genuinely wanted to get to know someone... At least not like this.

"Ah! It's getting dark!" Kiku suddenly pointed out.  
Alfred glanced at the window, and sure enough, the sun was almost finished setting.  
"Sure is! Sorry for talking so long, Kiku! I'll help you get your stuff together."  
Alfred hesitated.  
"How long has it been?" He asked, going for his wallet. Kiku watched him, staying quiet for a second.  
"Keep the money." He said. "I'll forget it today."  
Alfred was surprised, but he just smiled at Kiku.  
"Thanks!"

Alfred walked him to the bus stop, and paused.  
He put his hand on Kiku's shoulder, who quickly pushed it back off.  
"Sorry, just.." Alfred hesitated. He didn't want to come off as weird. "Are you going to be okay?"  
Kiku just looked at him.  
"It's just getting real dark and all, I mean are you gonna be alright alone? I don't want you to have to walk in the dark if you don't feel comfortable with that."  
Kiku just shook his head.  
"Ah, no, don't worry. I live practically next to my bus stop. I will be just fine."  
The bus came down the road, so Kiku put his arm out.  
"Alrighty. Just be safe, okay?"  
Kiku looked back at Alfred, and nodded.  
Alfred watched him get on the bus, and put his headphones on. He didn't look back at Alfred.

Later that night, Alfred found himself confused.  
Why was he still thinking about Kiku?  
Why was he thinking about him at all, and what was that sensation from earlier?  
That feeling in his chest... That feeling that felt so nice, yet ached in longing. Alfred couldn't figure it out.

At least, not until he laid in bed, googling his 'symptoms', trying to figure it out.

Alfred laid there in shock when he came to the conclusion. It was something he'd never understood in other people, something he'd never experienced before himself.

Alfred had a crush.

A real, romantic crush.


	4. Your playlist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred tries his best to get to know Kiku better... Again.

"This essay is much better written than the ones you've previously shown to me, Alfred." Said Kiku, really taking in the words on the laptop screen. "I think this would probably get.. a C grade maybe? Or even a B. It would definitely pass."  
Alfred grinned at him.  
"Well, that's all because of you, yknow! All your tips have really helped me so far!"

In actuality, Kiku's tips hadn't really helped Alfred that much. They were useful, but most of them, Alfred already knew. He just never put them into practice before now, because he hadn't cared before now. The thing was, he really, really wanted to impress Kiku. He was desperate to get some form of affection or even just friendliness out of him. 

"Oh... I don't think it's wholly because of me. After all, you tried really hard and I can see that."  
"You think so?"  
"Well... I... Yes, Alfred. Soon, you won't even need me anymore."  
Alfred paused for a second. He didn't want that.  
"What? No way, I'll totally still need you! I wouldn't have gotten this far without you!"  
Kiku gave him a very quick glance before he looked away again. Tucking a few strands of hair behind his ear, he gazed at the floor.  
"If.. you insist, I suppose." 

Over the past few sessions, Kiku had sort of seemed to soften. He certainly hadn't opened up or anything, but he was just much less abrupt with both his speech and his body language. It was almost like he felt slightly more comfortable around Alfred than he had done. He was definitely still shy though, and he hadn't smiled at Alfred (or anything else for that matter) once. 

In fact, Alfred had almost become obsessed with fantasising about the mere idea of Kiku smiling. To put it simply, he thought a genuine smile would look so beautiful on Kiku's face; how cute it would look alongside his huge doe eyes and otherwise petite features. He could imagine any sort of smile, from a small, soft cute look all the way to a big, toothy, laughing grin. 

"Why don't we just talk again for a while?" Alfred suggested, leaning back.  
This was something he kept doing. He was really hoping that through doing this, he could get closer to Kiku, or learn more about him at least.  
Kiku glanced over again and took a breath.  
"I suppose there'd be no reason not to."  
"What sort of music are you into, Kiku? Like uh, have you heard that song that's really popular at the minute? The one that goes like-"  
Alfred proceeded with a poor attempt to replicate the song. Kiku, whose ears must have been suffering at that point, remained polite about it.  
"I'm not sure I recognise that tune, I'm sorry..." He trailed off.  
"So, what sort of music do you like then?"  
"Um.. Japanese music I guess." 

Alfred raised his eyebrows with interest. The only Japanese music he'd ever listened to was songs from video game soundtracks. 

"Oh yeah, cause you're Japanese, right? Will you send me your playlist? Hey, were you born there or here? Can you speak Japanese?"  
Poor Kiku suddenly looked overwhelmed. He looked at Alfred with a worried expression, fiddling with his hands a bit.  
"Yes... And yes I will... I was born there.. I can speak Japanese, yes."  
"Wow! That's awesome! I can't wait to hear it by the way!"  
Alfred paused.  
"You should teach me a few words sometime! Just some useful, everyday phrases!"  
Kiku continued looking worried.  
"I guess I can."  
"That's awesome!"  
Alfred sort of sensed the awkwardness of it in the air. 

"Okay, off topic, but what was your favourite subject back in like, middle school or whatever?"  
"I quite liked geography."  
"Oh cool! I liked history myself, I really wanted to be an archaeologist at one point! I just wasn't really smart enough - that's why I took up athletics instead!"  
"I see..."

It went quiet for a while as Alfred desperately racked his brains for a new topic.

"Um... Alfred?"  
Alfred's ears pricked up instantly, his head turning to look at Kiku again.  
"Yeah?"  
"May I please ask why you want to just... Talk to me like this?"  
"Uh," He froze. "Why'd you ask?"  
"It's just that... I'm not very good at normal conversations. I don't have a lot to say, and I must be very boring. I really want to know why you, who has many friends and could talk to any of them, is interested in talking to me, who doesn't have many friends at all and you've never talked to before. That's... all it is."  
Alfred had to make something up, fast. He couldn't tell Kiku why he was so interested in talking to him now, nor could he tell Kiku why he was interested in the first place.  
"I just like being friends with everyone! I don't think you're boring, I don't think anyone is!"  
"Is that really true?"  
"Of course it is!" 

Alfred was lying. It wasn't true. Well - it was true that Kiku wasn't boring, but simply wanting to be his friend was far from the truth. 

It was later on in the evening, and Alfred was getting ready to go to bed. His phone pinged and he picked it up, glancing at the screen. A text from Kiku? He opened it up, and was pleasantly surprised to find that the sweet boy had actually sent his playlist, instead of just saying he would.  
As Alfred was looking at it, another message came through.  
"Would you please send me yours, too?"  
He smiled to himself and got the link for Kiku, sending it within a few seconds.  
He supposed... He could spare a few minutes to listen to some of the songs.  
Grabbing his earphones off the side, Alfred flopped into bed and pressed play. 

He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but a lot of this music was almost soothing in a way. Either it was upbeat, cute sounding pop song, or it was a gentle, slow ballad. Alfred didn't have a clue what the singers were talking about, but somehow he could just relax listening to it, almost as if it became comforting. It certainly had Kiku written all over about it, and better yet, the tone of a few songs even gave a better insight on him. Alfred felt like through listening to this music, he almost understood Kiku a little better... In some, weird way. He relaxed, and let himself drift away, and before he knew it, he'd fallen asleep there. 

The next day, when Alfred was getting ready in the mirror, he panicked when he found a little bit of acne on his cheek. He couldn't let anyone see that, so he spent a while trying to cover it best he could with various subtle makeup products. If anyone saw that, they'd comment on it, and Alfred couldn't let people think anything about him other than him being the king. He sighed to himself, getting it as close as he could to invisible, and then realised he was late. 

That lunchtime, Alfred sat with Mathias and Gilbert as always, listening to their chatter and more often, bickering. Right now they were arguing about some internet meme. That was when Mathias turned to him.  
"Hey Al, you're quiet today." The Dane commented, leaning on his arm.  
"What? No way." He retaliated.  
Gilbert opened a can of soda, the contents fizzing up and almost spurting everywhere.  
"What's up?" He asked, leaning as far away from the can as usually possible.  
"I don't know guys, I'm in like, a situation."  
"What kinda situation?"  
"It's about, uh, Kiku."  
Mathias looked up again.  
"You're still chasing that ass?"  
Alfred inhaled.  
"You guys have gotta listen and hear me out, okay? Seriously, just hear me out. I... Don't think I just want to fuck him anymore."  
Gilbert wrinkled his nose.  
"Then what else could you possibly want from him?"  
Alfred paused.  
"I want to like... maybe take him out somewhere, and... like, hold his hand maybe."  
Gilbert and Mathias stared at him blankly for a second.  
Then they howled.  
Collapsing into yet another fit of laughter at poor Alfred's expense, Gilbert and Mathias hit the table, each other, even almost knocked over that can of drink.  
Alfred wasn't laughing.  
"That's a good one, Al!" One of them piped up.  
"I'm not kidding." He warned, his somewhat quick temper beginning to burn.  
They kept at it. He'd had just about enough.  
"I'M SERIOUS." He almost yelled, slamming his hands down on the table at them.  
They stopped.  
Everyone in the cafeteria stopped.  
You could've heard a pin drop.  
"I'll talk to you two about it later. It's way too quiet in here." He hissed, getting up and marching out.  
Nobody stopped him. Nobody walked up to him and nobody dared approach him. After all, nobody would dare challenge him at any time, so now, everyone knew that even simply asking him if he was okay would be risky. Therefore he was left alone, and the students watched as he stormed out of the cafeteria. 

Alfred was just... Frustrated. Frustrated by others, but mostly by himself. See, he had never actually become.. romantically.. attracted to someone. Alfred had only ever been in it for the sex before. Kiku was different though, and Alfred didn't know why. He wanted to take care of Kiku, protect him, take him places and cook for him. Alfred didn't even know how to cook anything - in that moment he supposed he'd have to learn. Alfred didn't really know how to handle such attraction - what would Kiku think? What would happen to his reputation? Would he be seen as the king anymore? All those ideas panicked Alfred tremendously. 

He found a quiet spot alone, and let the outdoor breeze cool him off. Maybe he got worked up for no reason? If there was a reason, Alfred wasn't that sure. Gilbert and Mathias couldn't really be blamed for laughing; anyone who knew Alfred would think it had been a joke. 

He looked up, and froze when he saw Kiku further up the field. He hadn't really expected to run into him at this time. He wasn't alone - he was with.. the Russian kid? Ivan was it? Alfred watched. That Ivan kid was seriously tall - he was taller than Alfred by quite a bit, and a much shorter Kiku only seemed to come up to his lower chest. He didn't even know Kiku hung out with him. Except, it almost didn't look right, because Kiku wouldn't look at him, and Ivan leaned over Kiku in a somewhat threatening manner. 

Alfred couldn't really help himself - he could potentially be seeing this the wrong way, but he hopped off the bench that he'd been moping on, and threw on his act of full confidence. He strode up, hands in pockets, steps large, meaning business.  
As he was about halfway there, he watched that tall kid make some sort of sudden movement - he'd grabbed the front of Kiku's coat and at this point, Alfred knew that he wasn't wrong in intervening. 

Alfred threw himself between them, forcing Ivan to release his grip. He stood in front of Kiku, face to face with Ivan, and he stared up at him with stormy eyes.  
"Is there an issue here?" Alfred growled, his voice deep.  
"Looks like you're the one with an issue." Ivan spat back.  
Alfred could feel himself getting seriously heated, but he had to remember before he punched this guy that Kiku was right behind him.  
"Listen buddy," He continued, "you come near Kiku again, and I will beat the shit out of you. Take that as a serious threat."  
Ivan looked at him with disgust, and seemed to be about to say something, but Alfred was faster. He turned around, swung his arm around Kiku and began walking away. When they were far enough, Alfred turned to him.  
"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice turning gentle at an instant.  
Alfred kept holding him close. One of his arms could stretch around Kiku's entire back, and he kept him there, without really knowing so.  
"I guess." Kiku said. "It's not the first time someone has done something like that."  
"What did he even want?"  
"I don't really know."  
Alfred rubbed his arm reassuringly, and Kiku didn't seem to reject it at all. He wasn't really embracing it, but he was certainly letting Alfred get away with it.  
"Well, the important thing is that you're okay."  
He released Kiku and stood opposite him instead, putting his hands back in his pockets.  
"Listen, Kiku, I care about you, so if anyone bothers you, just send me a text, okay? I'll come and get you out of the situation."  
Kiku stared at him.  
"Do you really care that much?"  
"Well, yeah."  
"Thank you."  
Alfred grinned at him.  
"I gotta get going, so see you later!" He said, turning to start walking away. He turned back suddenly and called back to Kiku.  
"I really, really liked your playlist, by the way!"  
Kiku almost looked pleasantly surprised.  
"I liked yours, too!"


	5. Playing Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred wants to ask Kiku so badly. He just has to decide what to ask.

Alfred had made up his mind. He was going to ask Kiku to go on some sort of date with him. It's just that he'd never been on a real date with pure intentions before. 

Alfred's previous dates had mostly consisted of doing something rather standard, like going to a movie or a cheap restaurant just to please the other, then going back to his to get laid. That was it. He'd never thought about how to actually ask someone to go on a real, genuine trip with him. 

But... Kiku was special. Alfred knew he had to do this properly, and figuring that out was proving to be the difficult part. He had to take what little he actually knew about Kiku, and work out the perfect way to go about this. 

Would Kiku like to go to a football game? Probably not. That was definitely more an Alfred thing. He had mentioned that one time that he didn't know much about sports, so Alfred assumed that perhaps he probably just wasn't into it. 

That ruled out a gym date, too.

The beach? No.. it was forecasted to rain the coming weekend. Even if they did go to the beach, Alfred thought about how Kiku would always, no matter the weather, wear layers upon layers of clothing, exposing pretty much just his hands and face. Because of that, Alfred didn't think the poor guy would be up to wearing a swimsuit on the first date. 

That also ruled out the water park... 

Perhaps there were concerts on? Though, Kiku didn't seem like the sort of person to enjoy a loud atmosphere like that. Plus.. his playlist indicated that his taste in music was a little niche, and Alfred didn't think he'd be able to find a concert that Kiku would enjoy. 

There was a theme park a short train ride away too, but once again, small, quiet Kiku didn't really seem like he was the biggest thrill seeker. 

Alfred knew that he could take the easy route and just take the boy to a movie, but he wanted it to seem like he had really tried, he wanted to show Kiku that he had listened to him and thought about him. 

Alfred thought hard, summoning almost every bit of brain power he had. There had to be something... Something that Kiku would love. He'd have to keep thinking, because he was going to ask next time he spoke to Kiku. 

He didn't know what it was, or how it had happened. The past few weeks had sent Alfred into a spiral. A complicated mental mess. Did... Did everyone see Kiku like this? He couldn't be the only one, right? From a distance, he'd just looked to Alfred like a pretty piece of ass, but even just after the first few days he'd almost put a spell on Alfred. He kept to himself, was stubborn yet kind, he seemed to just radiate a softness, and as Alfred developed his friendship with him, his walls were slowly coming down. The more Kiku let his mental fortress down, the more Alfred liked him. The more he did that, the more he got to see the real Kiku, and he liked that version of Kiku even more. Alfred still wanted to see him smile. Even hear him laugh if he was lucky enough. He'd do anything for those things right now. 

Alfred wasn't sure how it'd affect his reputation at school. If, somehow, Kiku and him actually started dating, then he knew the news would spread like wildfire. He'd get asked about it a lot. He'd probably get asked things like "why him?" too, but even Alfred wouldn't be able to explain that one. He didn't know why it was Kiku that he wanted so badly. He'd date Kiku, and he'd put him so high on a pedestal that nobody would even approach. Nobody would challenge the king and his new queen. 

It was at that point that Alfred's phone started ringing, so naturally his eyes shot to the screen. He picked up.  
"What's up Gilbert?"  
"Al can you come and gimme some company around here? I'm bored as shit. Mathias is busy with that guy he's into."  
Alfred thought about it. He didn't really have anything to do.  
"Yeah sure, I'll come out. Where?"  
"Come to that park near mine."  
"Cool, see ya."

Alfred grabbed his jacket, took the lift down, and finally stepped out into the cool night time air. He walked with a strong step and confident stride, making his way towards the bus stop. He kept thinking about Kiku through the journey. He had to ask him. He had to try. He couldn't stop thinking about it and it'd drive him crazy if he didn't. 

Alfred jumped up, almost missing his stop. He hopped off the bus and spotted Gil waiting at the park gates for him immediately. With it being kind of late, there weren't any people around and Gilbert was rather easy to pick out anyway. 

He grinned toothily as Alfred approached him, offering his hand for a casual shake as he got closer.  
"What's up, just bored?" Alfred asked him, breaking the silence.  
"Pretty much. I'm so glad you weren't busy."  
Gilbert was a little quiet.  
"Look. I wanted to apologise for making you mad yesterday, too. We didn't realise you were serious."  
Alfred sort of sighed.  
"That's okay, I just.. I don't know."  
"You're really serious about dating him, then?"  
"Yeah, I don't know actually, but I think so. Like, I don't just want to use him, I actually want to be with him and stuff."  
"Sounds like you are serious. Are you gonna ask him out?"  
"I'm... Yeah I am. I'm just deciding where to take him. He's not really easy to plan for, especially since he's so closed in and doesn't talk much unless he really has to - but I want to do something that'll make him happy."  
Gilbert smiled.  
"Well good luck with that. Never thought I'd see the day notorious Alfred Jones would actually fall for someone."  
Alfred elbowed him.  
"Oh shut up, like you're any better."  
Gilbert chuckled.  
"You probably can't see it in this light, but Lovino decided to smack me earlier. There's like, a whole ass mark on my face from it."  
Alfred burst out laughing. Sure, he was in a weird situation right now, but it could be worse at least.  
"What the fuck did you do to make him do that?" He laughed, watching Gilbert laugh to himself a little too.  
"I decided to kiss him and clearly, he wasn't quite ready for it."  
Alfred kept on laughing, unable to talk for imagining the situation.  
"Could've also been the fact that I stuck my tongue down his throat. Yeah I don't... Think he was a fan of that. He swore at me a lot and then smacked me in the face, romantic I know."  
"So that's-" Alfred tried to get his words out. "Why you got nothing to do, huh?"  
Gilbert sighed.  
"Sure is."  
His phone buzzed, and he chuckled.  
"Perfect timing." He said. "He just asked if I wanna come over tomorrow, baby can't make his mind up."  
Alfred laughed again.  
"Oh man, sounds like you've got a real handful."  
"Sure do."  
They continued talking about various things, and eventually, it would get really late, so Alfred got back on the bus, and headed home. Sometimes it was fun to just hang out with one friend, rather than a big group. Both were good, just totally different experiences. 

Alfred's phone buzzed again, so he glanced.  
Kiku..?  
It was only a text, not a call, and it was just a simple question.  
"Would you like to play some games with me?"  
Alfred smiled. He beamed, in fact. Just a simple message was enough to make him so ridiculously happy. He couldn't wait to get home now.  
"I would love to!" He wrote back. "What game did you want to play?"  
It took a few minutes for Kiku to reply after that. Alfred's phone buzzed again.  
"I like Minecraft."  
Alfred had to smile. He hadn't played that in a while.  
"Sure, I'll play with you once I get home!" He sent back, and put his phone in his pocket. 

"Hey! Is the mic on, like can you hear me?"  
Alfred sat on his little sofa in front of the TV. Controller in hand, he tried adjusting his headset to make it more comfortable. He had a drink sat on the side, as well as a bag of snacks for later maybe.  
"Oh, yes.. I can hear you." Was the reply he got.  
Kiku sounded a little shy today, but Alfred thought it was sweet. He was so happy that Kiku not only wanted to play games, but actually that he was the one to ask in the first place. He'd never done that. 

As it started off, things were a little awkward. Kiku wasn't talking much and sort of was doing his own thing whilst Alfred did whatever he wanted. As it turned out, they played the game in very different ways, but those two ways actually synergised rather well. Kiku was happily building a house in his own little space, whilst Alfred just kept fighting monsters and though he wouldn't admit it, continuously dying too. 

Alfred was busy hunting down monsters again - a sucker for XP. Kiku was just tending to the little farm he'd created, and he could sort of see Alfred from a distance. He watched as Alfred got suck up on by a random enemy and died, causing him to make some sort of girlish screech down the mic, having been genuinely shocked by it. Then it happened, just quickly, quietly but...  
Kiku laughed.  
Alfred's heart stopped.  
No, no it didn't - it begun pounding faster in his chest than it had for a while, so fast that he could feel the blood pumping through him at some ridiculous rate. Kiku's laugh was so pretty. It was just a short, quiet, sweet little giggle but it was there. It was there. His soft yet rich, deep voice like that almost made Alfred lose it. He was so sweet. He was so pretty. He sounded so pretty. 

"Um... Are you okay, Alfred?"  
Alfred suddenly snapped out of it. He'd gotten so carried away.. he...  
"I just never heard you laugh before, that's all."  
"Oh... I'm sorry for laughing at-"  
"No, no! Hey, that's not what I meant. I actually just... Think you should laugh more often."  
"Oh..." he said again, but this time it was a happier, elevated 'oh'. This time, he sounded happy.  
Alfred was happy, too.

They were exploring the world when Alfred watched Kiku suddenly wander off, and he wondered why until he saw some little blocky cats on screen. It made sense, seeing as Kiku had told him that he really loved animals- 

Wait.  
That was it.  
That was it - the perfect idea. Kiku loved animals, he was embarrassed about it, but loving animals was one of the few things he'd admitted to. Therefore... Alfred could take him to a zoo. It'd be perfect! He could almost imagine how much Kiku would like it - it'd work so well for him... Alfred made up his mind. 

He waited until they were done gaming for the night, and then... 

"Hey Kiku, before we go real quick, are you free this Saturday?"  
Alfred felt nervous. He never felt nervous. He'd never, ever had nerves like this asking someone out before; but Kiku was...  
"Uhm.. I- I suppose I am. May I ask... Why?"  
Kiku's voice sounded small all of a sudden. It was almost like he already knew what was coming. Alfred swallowed hard.  
"I just think you're really neat, so I wanted to ask you to come on a date with me."  
Kiku went silent and Alfred didn't know what to say next. Despite having had thought about this all day, he'd never really thought of a proper plan or anything. The silence was getting long. Kiku was going to say no. 

He was going to say no. Stupid Alfred, to think that he cared at all. He didn't. He'd just literally been paid to hang out with Alfred for a while, that was the only interaction they'd really had other than this game. Alfred had been trying so hard to get close, but Kiku... Kiku wasn't- he didn't feel the same way. He didn't. He didn't he didn't he didn't-

"I, ah- um- I- Is that really okay..? I, um, I'd like that, actually."

Alfred's heart almost shot out of his chest. Had he just said yes? Had he really just? He had to keep it cool now.

"Alright, I'll message you with like, a time and stuff later, okay? I'm excited to see you. Night!" 

"Ah, um, goodnight then. I'll see you on Saturday."

With that, he logged off, and the second he did, Alfred stood up and let out a cry of victory. He'd done it. He was going on a date with Kiku Honda, the only person he'd ever actually begun to fall for, and he was doing it in two days time. Things couldn't be better.


	6. The Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiku and Alfred's first date goes... Well, we'll just have to see?
> 
> Long chapter time, yay!

"_No_, Kiku." Abel stressed. The Dutch man was stern over the call, trying his best to drill his point into Kiku's head. "He _will_ hurt you, that's what he does. He's never not done that to someone."  
"He seems really interested though..." Kiku said quietly, unconsciously lifting his hand to bite on his thumbnail.  
"Of course he seems interested! He's trying his absolute best to get what he wants from you, and he will continue to do that until you let him have your body. That's all he wants."  
"It's true..." Muttered Heracles, clearly half asleep over the phone. "He just wants to use you."  
Kiku almost felt like he'd done something bad.  
"That's not very nice to say..." He protested softly, feeling like he was fighting a helpless battle here. "I don't really like him that much yet, anyway. Only a _little_ bit, and it's not like I'm going to let him... Straight away, or anything..."  
"I am telling you, it's a bad idea, Kiku. You will be head over heels for him and he'll be able to do whatever he wants with you then."  
Abel's tone was sharp. He didn't mess around. Not ever, especially with anything concerning Kiku.  
In fact, both Heracles and Abel had been friends with Kiku for a long time. They were both big guys, who rarely spoke, and although they did get along with each other, the two of them were both much better friends with Kiku. The two of them were both very, very protective over him. So naturally, something like this struck alarm bells in them both. Heracles at least, was usually a lot more laid back. Abel, not so much.  
"You're making it sound really scary." Kiku continued.  
When they got like this and began clearly exaggerating how bad things would be, Kiku was never a big fan.  
Kiku was someone who had struggled for a long, long time with anxiety and whilst it didn't tend to show at first, once someone got to know him, it'd be much more obvious. Things like this, especially Abel and Heracles acting stern with him, were really not good for his anxiety. He wished they would just support him doing this. After all, it was just one date...  
"That's because it IS scary, Kiku." Abel continued, followed by a half asleep "yeah" from Heracles.  
It was quiet for a second.  
"Do what you want, Kiku," The Greek spoke through a yawn, "but just remember that Alfred doesn't care. Everything's just a walking sex toy to those kind of guys."  
Kiku went quiet again, suddenly more uncomfortable than he had been.  
"Maybe I'm different..." He trailed off.  
"You are going to get _hurt_." Abel stated sharply.  
Kiku bit down on his lip.  
"You aren't being fair!" He fought back, having had enough. "I want to go on that date tomorrow, so I'm going!"  
"It's not a good-"  
"You're supposed to be my friends! Not my parents!"  
Heracles chuckled.  
"Oh no Abel, you made him mad... You should be so scared..."  
"You're treating me like I'm stupid!" Kiku continued, audibly getting upset with them now. He was someone with a lot of patience, but it could only go so far when he felt as if he was being treated unfairly.  
He heard both of them sigh.  
"Just stay safe, Kiku." Heracles said plainly. "We just don't want you to get hurt or used, that's all."  
"Just don't let him touch you or be anywhere near you." Abel told, although that would sort of defeat the point of a date.  
Kiku huffed a little.  
"I think I'm going to go to sleep." He said. "It's getting rather late."  
With that everyone said their goodbyes and Kiku could finally put the phone down.

He put it on his bedside stand and rolled over, having been laid on the bed for the entire call. At least he was physically comfy through the whole thing, oversized fluffy pajamas and all. Emotionally comfy, not as much.

He was nervous anyway. They weren't helping.

The truth was, Kiku did only like Alfred a little bit, but he knew that the potential for more was there. He wasn't stupid in the slightest, and he absolutely wasn't going to be used. Kiku was going to use this date to see how Alfred would act with him. Kiku thought he'd be able to determine whether Alfred was simply using him or not just from this one date. If it went well in Kiku's book, then maybe he'd let himself be more open.

Kiku reached across his bed and grabbed his favourite plush (though he did have many of them) and pulled it in towards him so that he could cuddle it. The toy was a huge white and brown cat - it was almost half as big as Kiku, but because of that, he could really snuggle into it and that's what he liked so much. Plus, it was a cat, and Kiku really, really loved cats.

He curled up with it, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to relax. He was so nervous for tomorrow, he couldn't lie about that. He just hoped it'd go well. He wanted so badly to prove his friends wrong after all this. For now at least, his bed was a safe place. It was covered completely in soft blankets, various pillows and cushions, and of course, all sorts of different animal plushies - but mainly cats. This bed was a soft, safe haven for Kiku, and it always had been.

So he let himself fall asleep, despite it taking a while, because for now, he was safe.

===

Alfred woke up to the noise of his alarm - a noise he hated very much, except today it wasn't so bad. Today, he was excited to be awake.

He had to make this perfect.

He liked Kiku a lot, but he knew what his reputation would do to Kiku's perception of him, so he had to be on his absolute best behaviour. Today his goal was just to get Kiku to come on another date with him at some point. If he achieved that then maybe...

Alfred found his face all hot over the idea of Kiku being his boyfriend. He'd never actually gone out with someone before. Not properly. He still wasn't quite over the fact that his little crush had said yes at all. He hadn't expected it one bit.

He had to look good. Alfred had made sure to wake up earlier than usual today so that he could spend more time in the bathroom making himself look good. His morning routine was kind of long anyway, since to keep his place at the top, Alfred had also become infatuated with his appearance. At this stage he would even resort to using makeup to get rid of anything he deemed an imperfection. This obsession was probably unhealthy for him and Alfred knew that, but it was a habit he couldn't get out of. He'd done it so much that he had begun to hate the way he looked without it all.

Nevertheless, he shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind and concentrated on looking nice for Kiku. He stood back after a good hour or so, and deemed that he looked fine. He let his hair fall naturally, deciding not to throw a tonne of product in it, and gave his head a good shake to give it more of a rugged look. He stared at himself in the mirror and gave his cheeks a slap. He could do this. He could do this.

Alfred threw on one blue ripped jeans, a plain white shirt, his favourite biker jacket and a couple of metal dog tags. He went for the red framed glasses today, and finally he slipped on a pair of his good sneakers - the ones that he hadn't worn to death yet. He shoved money for bus tickets and entrance fees in his pocket, and he set off.

He'd told Kiku that they'd meet at the bus stop at eleven, and sure enough when he got there, despite making sure he was ten minutes early, Kiku was already standing there in his usual clothes. Black jeans, black duffle coat, his hands clasped in front of him. He was looking at the floor and hadn't spotted Alfred yet, but Al couldn't help but smile at him anyway.

He lifted his head up and that's when he spotted Alfred. He almost jumped, and seemed to be about to say something, but it never came. Alfred, absolutely beaming, bounded over and reached out to give him a hug, but Kiku put his hands out to stop him. Alfred stopped.  
"That's a little much already, sorry..." He spoke softly, not really looking at Alfred.  
Alfred just smiled at him.  
"Hey, that's alright. I didn't mean to startle you, sorry!" He watched Kiku glance up at him for a quick second. "It's real nice to see ya, y'know."  
"Ah, is it?" Kiku replied, keeping his tone calm and soft as always. "I'm glad to be here as well."

Alfred couldn't help but stare at him. Kiku was so pretty. He had to think of something to say though, or he knew it would get weird.  
"I was super excited for today, actually! I haven't really been this excited to meet someone before!" He said. Kiku fidgeted a little.  
"I suppose I'm a little bit excited as well. I was really nervous this morning, and last night though."  
"Really? Why? You don't seem much like a worrier, Kiku!"  
"Y-You'd be surprised."  
Alfred swallowed. He didn't want to turn the conversation negative or anything.  
"Aw, really? I'm sorry to have brought it up then!" He chirped, trying to keep a good atmosphere. "Anyway, the bus should come soon!"  
"Where are we going..? You didn't tell me."  
Alfred giggled a little.  
"It's a surprise! You'll like it!"  
"I will?"  
"Mhm! At least, I really think you will!"

Almost at that instant, the bus turned up. Alfred insisted on paying for the ticket despite Kiku's weak protests over it.  
"I can't possibly let you do that!" He softly argued.  
"It's on me!" Alfred asserted.

When they got sat down, Kiku took the window again, and leaned closer to that than Alfred. He stared out of the window and Alfred was left trying to think of random things he could talk to him about.

In the moment, though, Alfred couldn't help but melt looking at him. He couldn't even see his face from his angle, but his arms and legs were so small, his hands just the same, his hair sleek and shiny, a solid black that shone a little brown with the sunlight. He seemed to pretty much just radiate peace. Alfred liked him a whole lot. For a second, he was reminded of the whole reason why he'd tried talking to Kiku in the first place, but then the overwhelming thought of just holding Kiku's hand drowned it all out with nothing but cuteness. Alfred almost got lost daydreaming when he realised he hadn't even been talking to Kiku. The last thing he wanted this to be was awkward.

"What's your favourite colour?" He blurted out, just scrambling for anything to talk about.  
Kiku spun around, slightly startled again by the suddeness of the question.  
"Uh, um..." Kiku couldn't even remember the last time that someone had asked that. He was probably a kid the last time. "Probably... Pink, I think."  
Alfred grinned.  
"That rhymed!"  
"Oh- you're right, it did."  
"My favourite colour is blue, cause it reminds me of the ocean, and I love the beach! It also reminds me of the sky, and I've always wanted to reach for the top!"  
"You really thought about it a lot."  
"Yeah, absolutely I did!"  
He paused.  
"What about your favourite animal? I know you like cats, is it cats?"  
"Yes, it is..."  
"That's so cute! I like dogs personally, they're a lot of fun to play with and go outside on huuuuuge walks with! And there's so many different types!!! They're so cool!"  
"You must really like them."  
"I do!!! They're my absolute faaaavourite! What about your favourite TV shows? What do you like to watch?"  
"I watch a lot of Japanese shows... I'm sure you probably haven't seen them."  
"Like anime? I've seen some anime!"  
"Well, I guess so. I like some anime, but I like live action as well."  
"What sorta anime? Do you like uh.. Dragon Ball maybe?"  
Kiku looked a little embarrassed, his voice suddenly going quiet.  
"Not really... I sort of prefer things like Love Live..."  
"I haven't seen that!"  
"I- I don't think it'd be your sort of thing..."  
"Maybe I'll check it out just because you like it!"  
"If you want..."  
Alfred smiled. Kiku was too cute to handle.

In fact, Alfred just liked the fact that Kiku was looking at him now. He was gorgeous. Alfred didn't think he'd seen a prettier person. His mind got away with itself again, and in the midst of it, Alfred accidentally said his thoughts out loud.  
"You have huge eyes..." He muttered, before he suddenly became aware of what he'd just said.  
Kiku's eyes widened.  
"Wha- I- I what?"  
Alfred felt his face absolutely burning - he wasn't alone though, Kiku suddenly looked rather pink too.  
"It was nothing-" Alfred almost panicked, before he realised that maybe it was okay. "Actually no, I just think you have really, really pretty eyes."  
Kiku looked down, probably trying to hide his red cheeks.  
"Thank you..." He said, his voice almost quieter than Alfred had ever heard it.

Alfred didn't know it, but Kiku's heart had almost combusted just then. Such a little compliment had made him so ridiculously happy... Kiku wished he could express it better without feeling so embarrassed, but he supposed all that mattered was that it made him feel nice... And it did. He felt light and bubbly, and just... nice.

By that point, the next stop was theirs, so Alfred got up, Kiku following him, and rang the bell to get off. The bus came to a halt and they got off.

"There!" Exclaimed Alfred, pointing towards the zoo gates.  
Kiku stared for a few seconds trying to figure out what he was supposed to be looking at.  
"Oh!" He finally chirped up. "Wait, really?"  
"Yeah! I thought it'd be something you'd enjoy!"  
Kiku seemed to put his head right down, trying to hide his face a little. Alfred noticed and wondered if something was wrong.  
"I mean, we don't have to..."  
"No..." Kiku said, still not looking. "I'm happy... You really thought about me, didn't you?"  
Alfred paused.  
"Kiku, can I see your face?"  
He seemed to fidget a little, before he turned to look at Alfred.  
Alfred found himself melting again.  
It wasn't much, but Kiku's cheeks were a rosy pink and he had the tiniest, slightest little beginnings of a smile on his a face.  
Alfred put his hand out to touch the side of Kiku's face. He didn't really think about it. He reached out and gently tucked a little bit of hair behind Kiku's ear, trailed his hand down and let it glide across his soft, warm skin until his hand finally rested with Kiku's chin in it. He tilted Kiku's head upwards to look at him properly, and all the poor flustered boy could do was make little stuttering noises as if he couldn't quite process what was going on.  
Alfred made a big smile after a while.  
"Did I ever mention I've sorta got a huuuuge crush on you?" He chuckled, letting go of Kiku's face and starting to walk off.  
Kiku froze for a second before he shook his head and caught up with Alfred, pulling the collar of his coat up to hide his face in it. He visibly pouted a little bit. He thought Alfred was going to kiss him just then. It was a scary thought, but at the same time... He might have let him.  
"What's up?" Alfred asked, glancing at him, even though he could pretty much infer what was up.  
"Nothing." Kiku stated, his cold, calm demeanor returning at once.

They didn't speak much as they were getting into the actual zoo. Once again, Alfred firmly insisted that he'd pay for the tickets, whilst Kiku tried to tell him off for it, to no avail of course. Through the gates though, it was suddenly a different matter.

Kiku stared at the map, clearly deep in thought.  
"What do you wanna go to first?" Alfred asked, peering over his shoulder.  
"There will be lots of people at the front of the park here, since this is where the gates are... But at the back, it will be much quieter... So is it okay if we go there?"  
Alfred put a hand on his shoulder.  
"Of course it is! Let's go!"

"Penguins!!!" Alfred exclaimed, pointing at the enclosure.  
The two walked up and crouched at the window, watching the birds slide around on their ice.  
"These enclosures are huge!" Alfred noted. "Hey Kiku, are these emperor penguins or the other ones?"  
Kiku looked at him.  
"Th-There are more than two types of penguin, Alfred..."  
Alfred looked back at Kiku.  
"Really?!"  
Kiku kept staring at him for a second, before he slowly shook his head, clearly trying his absolute best not to smile or laugh. Alfred thought he was cute. Cuter than the penguins even.  
"There are seventeen species of penguin, Alfred."  
"No way."  
"It's true. These are Humboldt penguins. They're medium sized as far as penguins go, and they're closely related to African penguins, Magellanic penguins, and Galápagos penguins. They're really cute."  
"Woah, I didn't even know that any of those existed until just now."  
Kiku quickly turned away and Alfred watched his shoulders quiver a little.  
"I'm sorry about that." He said, turning back around, clearly forcing himself to hold a straight face.  
Alfred grinned.  
"You know, you're allowed to laugh and smile in front of me."  
Kiku glanced at him.  
"Sorry... It's just a little embarrassing, that's all..." He said, flushing a little pink again.  
"It's cute." Alfred replied.  
Kiku bit his lip.  
"Shall we... Move on to the next exhibit?" He asked, deciding to ignore the previous conversation entirely.  
"What's next?" Alfred asked eagerly.

It was getting a little later, and the two were around halfway through the park.  
"This exhibit has African painted dogs!" Kiku stated, peering over the fence at the cute animals running around below. This exhibit was on a raised platform, with a huge enclosure for the dogs underneath a bridge they stood on.  
Since that first exhibit, Kiku had seriously gotten into this. He'd been going round calling everything cute, getting excited over the leopards, and throwing random animal facts at Alfred whenever he felt like it. This was the first time that Alfred had seen him really, really in his element. He was immensely enjoying himself, and Alfred managed to pick up on it. He hoped that he'd managed to make Kiku happy. Alfred in fact, had barely been looking at the animals. He'd spent his whole time watching Kiku. He was happy because Kiku was here. He was... Really happy.

"They look like hyenas." Alfred commented.  
"They are not hyenas! They're very different actually!"  
"What's different about em? Tell me!"  
"Well for starters, they have different markings. Once you know those, they're very easy to tell apart. Also, whilst painted dogs are.. well.. in the canine family, hyenas are actually more closely related to mongooses and cats! Also, hyenas live in clans of up to around eighty of them! Painted dogs on the other hand, live in packs of twenty at the very most! Hyenas are also more aggressive!"  
"Wow." Alfred said, actually meaning it and taking it in. "They're so cute, I love dogs!"  
It was quiet for a second.  
"Look at their big round ears." Kiku muttered, half to himself as he watched the dogs running around.  
Alfred giggled a little behind him.  
"It's like they have circles on their heads!"  
And then, Kiku giggled a little too. Just a little, but it was visible, and audible, and he didn't try to hide or stifle it.  
"They have circles on their heads..." He softly repeated, letting out a tiny, tiny laugh again straight after.  
Alfred could feel his heart beating. God, he could pretty much hear it - and it was so loud.

They were almost done. There was just one last exhibit to go, and the sun was starting to go down. Kiku was clearly excited though. As much as he tried to keep calm, his fidgeting and bouncy steps said otherwise, and at the exhibit, he practically threw himself at the glass, pressing right up to it.  
"Tiger!" Alfred said, spotting the majestic beast.  
"Tiger..." Kiku repeated, pretty much entranced by the animal.  
"You really like tigers, huh?"  
Kiku nodded frantically.  
"Big kitty..." He muttered, watching the tiger yawn and stretch in front of him.  
Kiku didn't even start up with the facts this time. He just sat up to the glass, silently watching the tiger. It was apparently that he didn't just really like them, but rather that he loved them.  
Alfred slowly came over, and sat next to him, still more interested in Kiku than the animal.  
He didn't want to upset Kiku, but there was something he wanted to try. There was practically nobody but them left in the park, and whilst it was so quiet, Alfred wondered if Kiku would let him get away with it.

He let himself tip slightly, very wary of his weight, and leaned just slightly so that his head was resting on Kiku's shoulder. He had to lean quite a way down, since Kiku's whole body was so much smaller than his, but he was strong enough to support his own weight so it didn't matter too much. Kiku made a little noise of surprise, but he didn't move, or push Alfred off. He just let it happen, and carried on watching the tiger. This went on for a while, and the tiger rolled around, scratched some tree trunks, and went for a little bath in his pool. All the while, Kiku just watched him, completely immersed.  
Eventually, Alfred felt Kiku slowly, gently rest his head on his own there, and he felt his heart go crazy all over again. Kiku had seemed to suddenly relax, and Alfred decided that he could stay like this for hours and hours. The gentle weight of Kiku resting on him as he in turn rested on Kiku, was absolute perfection. This was more than Alfred could've ever even hoped for on this date. After all, he hadn't even expected Kiku to say yes.

"Um, excuse me gentlemen, but-"  
Kiku gasped and shot up from where he was sat, causing Alfred to almost fall.  
"The park is closing very soon so we're just letting all of our guests know that it's time to start heading back." The employee said, before they walked away looking the next group of people left in the park.  
"H-How long were we sat there for? Ah, I'm so embarrassed, I can't believe that-"  
"What're you embarrassed about?" Alfred asked, slowly getting up and stretching in a rather nonchalant matter.  
"I... It's just, I-" Kiku cut himself off and turned away from Alfred again. He suddenly spoke very quietly again, almost whispering. "I'm sorry about that."  
Alfred walked over, more than a little confused.  
"You don't have anything to be sorry for..." Alfred reassured. "I'm not embarrassed or anything. It's fine."

Kiku kept his head fixed towards the floor as they walked out, but he did something that Alfred didn't see coming.  
He felt Kiku's small hand brush up against his, and without warning Kiku suddenly clasped his hand, holding onto it tightly. He didn't say anything, and Alfred presumed he was too embarrassed to look at him, but he held on tightly, and when Alfred curled his fingers around to make the action a mutual one, Kiku just held on even tighter.  
Alfred felt so happy.  
He couldn't remember the last time he was so happy because of something so small.

They rode home together on the bus, and conversation was not really present - but it didn't need to be, because the whole time neither one of them let go.

Alfred had been right. Kiku's hand was cold in his own, but he'd gotten it warmer through the time he'd been holding it. It was so slight and skinny, and yet Kiku still had a somewhat firm grip.

He had a firm grip on Alfred's heart, too.

They got off at the same stop, and parted ways there.

"I'll see you soon, okay? Let's do something again soon!" Alfred sincerely told Kiku.  
"I'd really, really like that." Kiku told him back.

When Kiku got back to his apartment, the first thing he did was slip his phone out of his pocket. He opened his messaging app and pressed the button to group call. Abel and Heracles both picked up instantly, having been nervous about him all day.  
"Are you okay?" Heracles asked.  
"Do you need us to come get you?" Abel piped up.  
Kiku giggled.  
"No, silly. I'm home."  
"Is he with you?!"  
"No, he went home as well."  
"Then..?"  
"I was wrong when I said I like him a little, Abel."  
"Thank God-"  
"I like him a lot. I really, really like him."  
Silence.

  
Elsewhere, Alfred too was picking up his phone.  
"Hey Al, how'd it go?" Gilbert greeted.  
"You gotta help me, Gil." Alfred replied. "I think... I think I'm in love."


	7. The Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Alfred really in love? He wouldn't know. He never had been before.

Kiku Honda.

What a beautiful name.

The second date had gone well. Very well. Alfred had taken him to a museum and whilst Kiku noted that he had been once before, he seemed extremely grateful to have the chance to view it again.

In fact, he'd done the same as last time - taken Alfred round all the exhibits and rambled off a little history lesson wherever he could. He got so in depth, and Alfred found himself wondering how someone could fit so much knowledge into their brain.  
Alfred listened, too, to all the amazing knowledge that Kiku just reeled through. He knew so much, sometimes what he was talking about wasn't even up on the exhibit plaque, because he'd researched it in his own free time. No wonder he had good grades.

Alfred's favourite moments though, were the ones where Kiku _didn't_ know something; because god, it was so cute. He'd tilt his head a little, full of pure curiosity, and he'd wind up brimming with awe as he learned about this new object. He'd become fixated on this new curiosity, and his eyes would light up as he read and researched.  
"Wow.." he would say. "That's amazing."  
And Alfred would nod.  
"Yeah, it really is amazing."  
He'd reply like that, but Alfred was not talking about the exhibit. Alfred couldn't really care less about the old stuff. He wasn't interested in that. It was cool, sure, but it didn't pique his interest.

Kiku did.

That beautiful, intelligent boy made Alfred's ears prick right up.

He could hear his own heartbeat when he looked at Kiku. It became loud as thunder when Kiku looked at him.

He was so pretty. His eyes were chasmic. Dark - a rich chocolate brown with immeasurable depths to them. The colour was almost black at the tops, where his eyelashes cast a shadow over them, but at the bottom, flecks of flawless gold danced in his irises almost like rays of sunlight... And yet, you had to look hard to see them. If you didn't stare deep into those neverending depths, you wouldn't see the beauty. At a first glance you'd even go as far as to say Kiku's eyes were rather dull and boring - but Alfred had stared hard enough to understand differently.

Alfred wanted to kiss him, but he didn't know how. He had never before wanted to kiss someone not simply out of lust.  
He wanted to taste Kiku's lips so badly, and close his eyes in the gentle bliss. He wanted to take his time and kiss him slowly, lift his head upwards, and touch his face in a tender manner.  
He wanted to kiss him because he had fallen for Kiku, and he knew he had, but it was taking some figuring out.

He had told Gilbert he was in love with Kiku, but he didn't really know what that meant. Was this it? Whatever this was, it was nice, but it was achy and confusing, trying to understand another person. Yet still, Alfred kept snapping out of his daydreams, realising that all he could think about and imagine was Kiku. Alfred didn't know. He didn't know whether it was or it wasn't.

Alfred had never been in love before.

He'd never felt anything for anyone.

But...

  
Alfred shook his head. What was he doing? He'd only snapped out of it because his phone rang. He picked up anyway. It was only Gilbert.

"Hey fucker, talk to me." Spoke his friend with a lovely greeting as always.  
"What's up, dude?"  
"Al, didn't you say you think you're in love?"  
Alfred froze for a few seconds, before he answered.  
"Uh- I- Why'd you ask?"  
"I just wondered if you'd tell me what it feels like."  
He swallowed and thought about it.  
"I'm still not sure if I really am, I can't tell yet, but for starters it's confusing. My head just feels like it's spinning, but... It feels nice. You feel really warm, and really happy, a little bit dizzy and your heart just starts beating like a big, loud drum or something! I think.. when you fall in love with someone, they become the only thing you can think about, but like I said, I... Still don't actually know..."  
"That's all I need to know, thanks bro-"  
"Wait Gil- Why did you want to know?"  
Gilbert went quiet for a few seconds.  
"We'll find out, I guess?" He said.  
Alfred grinned.  
"Good luck."  
"Hey Al, don't you have another date today?"  
"Yeah, super soon, in like an hour!"  
"Good luck to you too then, bitch."

Gilbert hung up, and Alfred had to smile to himself. At least he wasn't the only one.

Though now, he had that date to focus on. He'd prepared an idea that just a few weeks ago he wouldn't have even entertained, but now it seemed like such a perfect, adorable day out. That was because Kiku was going to be there. Earlier in the week, Alfred had asked Kiku if he'd ever been to the flower gardens nearby, and to his suprise, Kiku had said no. So Alfred decided that he was going to take him, and have a picnic there. Alfred got ready his usual way, and grabbed a jacket before heading out. He was just really excited to spend time with Kiku again.

Sure enough, when he saw Kiku, Alfred's heart began its loud, yearning thudding all over again. He wasn't wearing that huge coat today - Alfred had never seen him without it, though he'd never paid much attention before now. Instead he wore what looked like several layered sweaters - maybe three of them. The bottom one was a black turtleneck, the next one up a light blue v neck, and the final sweater a beige one that was seriously oversized. Alfred smiled even more than he already was. That sweater was huge on Kiku, but it'd probably still be too small to fit himself. That was how small Kiku was compared to him and god, it was so cute.

He waved and bounded up to Kiku, careful not to pounce on him and instead just gave him a huge grin.  
"Hey!!! You look seriously cute today!" Was the first thing to come out of his mouth.  
Kiku visibly blushed a little, before realising and attempting to hide his face.  
"Thank you..." He said quietly. "It's a pleasure to see you."  
"You too, Kiku!" Replied Alfred, and he genuinely meant it. "C'mon, we gonna go to those gardens?"  
"Yes, of course."  
Alfred put his hand out and waited. It took a few seconds, but eventually, he felt a tiny hand slip hesitantly into his, before holding on tightly.

Alfred had noticed the last two times that Kiku had a tendency to do that. He'd act shy at first, but once he was actually performing an act he wouldn't hold back. He was shy before he was properly holding hands, but once his hands were intertwined with Alfred's, he'd make it known that he wasn't going to let go anytime soon. Soon enough, they'd set off walking.

Kiku was quiet as usual, and Alfred still worried that maybe he was doing something wrong - but he had sort of realised that this is just how Kiku was. He didn't speak when he didn't really feel like it - but Alfred had noticed that he listened. He always listened. He seemed to retain every last word and it seemed to be important to him. So, Alfred had taken up just talking to him. Just telling him things and even if he didn't get much of an answer, he'd carry on because he'd come to realise that Kiku rather liked it like that.

"So yeah," Alfred finished off his story as they came to the site gates. "That was the time Mathias went to hospital. Moral of the story? Don't skateboard down a concrete staircase. He's a really funny guy though, I bet you'd like him!"  
"Is this the garden?" Kiku asked as Alfred came to a halt.  
"Sure is! It's free to get in, so we don't gotta buy tickets or anything!"  
Kiku nodded, and Alfred kept hold of his hand, leading him through the gates.

Kiku really liked holding hands with Alfred. He'd been daydreaming about it all morning in fact. Alfred's hands were so much bigger than his, and it was almost intimidating but ultimately... It provided a wonderful sense of security. It felt safe, and so warm, and Kiku decided he could happily hold hands forever. That's why he gripped on so tightly.

He hoped Alfred would hug him today or something. He'd panicked on that first date when it was the first thing that Alfred had tried to do - and he couldn't help it, that's just how Kiku was - but now he'd certainly come round to the idea. He figured that he'd probably still get a little frightened, but it would only be that first time. He knew that after a couple of seconds, he would just melt into it. He knew that Alfred would be big and safe and warm.

The first garden was all pink. Just pink flowers, everywhere. Kiku perked up the second he saw it, and Alfred recalled him saying that it was his favourite colour. Kiku immediately started pointing them out. Alfred could already point out the roses and the tulips, but Kiku began telling him about the camelias and the peonies. Primroses, rododendrons, mandevillas, petunias... It didn't seem to end - but that was a good thing. Watching Kiku in his element like this was delightfully adorable. He would crouch down, bringing Alfred with him and he'd reach out to gently trace the petals of the flowers. Every so often, he slipped out his phone to take a quick picture of flowers that he particularly liked. Then he'd glance at Alfred, and smile softly, before getting a little embarrassed again and looking back to the flowers.

Alfred thought the flowers were pretty.

But he thought that Kiku was prettier.

There was one garden with water features. Most of the flowers were blue or green, and there were stone fountains dotted around that created a nice, soothing sound. Alfred decided that this was probably his favourite garden. He liked the colours a lot, and he liked the water.  
"Tell me about these ones!" Alfred chirped.  
"Ah- what?"  
"You know, like, tell me all about these flowers! I like these ones! You've been doing it in all the other gardens!"  
Kiku paused.  
"I.. have?"  
Alfred stopped too. Kiku didn't even realise? That's when Kiku let go of his hand, and instead awkwardly clasped his own in front of him, slowly fidgeting.  
"I'm.. sorry. I didn't know I was rambling."  
"Wait-"  
"I wasn't like this on the other dates, w-was I..?"  
Alfred felt a sudden, dull ache in him. He felt really sorry for Kiku now. He hadn't meant to point anything out and for what it was worth, he was really enjoying listening to the man. Why did Kiku suddenly shut off? Being so smart wasn't something to be ashamed of, right?  
Alfred let his voice come down from its usual volume to a more gentle tone.  
"Wait, but Kiku... I really like listening to you. You don't talk that much you know, so when you get excited about something, it's... It's really cute! It's really special!"  
Alfred offered out his hand again, and Kiku took it gingerly, still quiet. Alfred led him up to one of the fountains, and perched on the side of it, prompting Kiku to sit down with him. There was nobody else around, and the sun was just beginning to go down. It was nice.  
"So... Kiku, are you gonna tell me about these flowers? I really wanna know, if that's okay with you."  
Kiku glanced at him, gripped his hand harder, and smiled just a tiny bit.  
"Well... The ones just here in front of us, those are freesias..."  
Alfred grinned.  
"They're really pretty." He said.

It took some coaxing to get more out of Kiku after that, but after a few more flowers, Alfred was satisfied.  
"Wanna move on to the last one?" He asked.  
Kiku nodded.

The last garden was just a field of wildflowers, but in the glow of the sunset, it looked far more beautiful than any of the others. The long grass came up to Alfred's knees. It was even higher on Kiku.  
"Look at all the daisies." Kiku spoke quietly, so much so that Alfred could barely hear him. "I love daisies."  
But he heard that, and he'd remember it.  
There were all sorts of flowers in here, and Alfred could barely take them all in. It looked like even Kiku was struggling to process all the different types. In the end, it just looked nice, and that was the main thing.

Alfred glanced at Kiku, and noticed him rubbing his arm a little, hunching a little into the neck of his sweaters.  
"You good?" Asked Alfred.  
"Yes, I'm okay." Kiku replied. "It just turned a little chilly, didn't it? I get cold easily, but I thought I'd be okay not bringing my coat this time..."  
Kiku gasped out loud when he felt a warm weight on his shoulders.  
He glanced at the jacket, and then at Alfred, and proceeded to panic.  
"Oh, no- Alfred I didn't mean that! I- I- you can have it back, I-"  
"Hey, shh. C'mon, I don't want you to be cold!" Alfred reassured him.  
He reached out, and gently caressed the side of Kiku's face - the poor boy a wide-eyed, blushing mess at this point. Despite the pink in his cheeks, Kiku was still somewhat cold to touch. He needed that jacket whether he liked it or not.  
Kiku quickly pulled his head away, looking elsewhere all over again. He tightly gripped the edges of the jacket and pulled it round him, staring off at some flowers in the golden light.  
"I'm sorry... I'm really being a nuisance today." He spoke, his voice small and hushed.  
It was at this point that Alfred's heart felt like it was about to burst.  
No! How could Kiku possibly think that? Didn't he see what Alfred saw? How could such a wonderful person not know how great they were?  
"That's not true." Alfred responded. Simultaneously he put his arms out, and pulled Kiku towards him - something that wasn't difficult when Kiku was so light. He had him held firmly against his torso, his face buried in Alfred's chest, his little hands coming to rest alongside it. He didn't even say anything.  
Alfred had one hand on his back, and another on the back of his head. He smoothed down Kiku's hair, his other hand feeling the movement of Kiku's back as he breathed.  
Alfred didn't even know how he'd gotten like this. It wasn't a conscious thought. Something inside him had just taken over. Something that wanted to protect Kiku, and make him happy, and hold him close like now.

Something that...

"Y'know Kiku, if I didn't like you just for being you, then I wouldn't be here. You aren't a nuisance. I dunno what makes you think that, but you don't have to be sorry for existing."  
Kiku gently nuzzled into his chest, fitting perfectly into the shape of Alfred's body. He took a deep breath.  
"Thank you..." He said. "Alfred, you make me feel really happy. You're so bright and warm... Y-You're kind of like the sun somehow."  
Alfred chuckled a little.  
"Yeah? Speaking of the sun, it's gonna get dark soon. Do you wanna head back?"  
Kiku sighed. It seemed like a rather content sigh.  
"Please.. can we stay here for a few more minutes?"  
Alfred had to smile.  
"Of course we can."

  
It was that moment when Alfred realised something, and laying in bed later that night, his head wasn't spinning anymore.

He had it all figured out now.

He'd completely fallen head over heels. Now, he knew.

He was in love with Kiku Honda.


	8. Deep Rooted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone calls Alfred a monster. It's how he's known. He even refers to himself that way, but Kiku is determined to change that somehow.

Kiku was a little.. excited.

Maybe more than a little.

So much more than a little, that he found he couldn't concentrate on his work - and this was rare for him. He twiddled his pen between his fingers, resting his cheeks in his hands, fidgeting and tapping his feet more than he realised. He'd drifted off into a daydream, staring off into the distance like a lovestruck teenage girl, sighing and smiling to himself, his cheeks just a hint of rose. He even closed his eyes and swayed a little, completely full of the fantasy - the newborn emotion he'd discovered in the past couple of weeks.

His phone rang - and Kiku gasped, snapping out of the trance immediately. He sat up, and reached for his phone, a little nervous to touch it. Was it Alfred? Would Alfred even be calling him? What if he was calling to cancel? What if he has calling to say he wasn't interested at all anymore?

Kiku cautiously glanced at the screen.

Nevermind. It wasn't Alfred, and he was just overreacting.  
He picked up the phone, holding it to his ear with both hands, standing up and wandering around his room as he spoke.  
"Hello Heracles.. Did you need something..?"  
God. He couldn't even concentrate on the phone call.  
"Tonight...? Oh, I'm really sorry. I'm.. busy.. tonight."  
He had to stop being excited for just two seconds.  
"No... Tonight I'm going out with... Alfred..."  
And there he went again, trying to fight off that pesky smile.  
"He's not a bad guy.. no... I think you.. everyone has him all wrong, Heracles. He's the only person who's ever shown such interest in me..."  
Heracles must've just been a skeptic if he thought that Kiku was delusional. There was no way that Alfred would ever hurt him... Kiku hoped.  
"No silly... Of course we aren't just friends... I like him, I thought I told you..."  
Kiku shook his head, even if Heracles couldn't see it.  
"D-Drunk? What makes you think I'm drunk..? You know I don't drink very often.."  
Unless it was possible to be drunk on love.  
"I really am sorry... I'll come and hang out next time, alright..?"  
Finally the phone call ended.

Kiku cast his studies aside and went to start running a bath. Since he was seeing Alfred later, he of course wanted to make sure he'd be perfectly fresh. Not to mention it was just good to relax.  
After undressing, he let himself sink down into the hot water; he was the type of person to run it almost too hot, to the point where it was borderline burning - but the instant calming and relaxation was comparable to no other. He let his body sink until the water came as far as his jawline, the tips of his hair floating on the water around him, and he closed his eyes. Letting the heat engulf him, Kiku drifted back off into his thoughts.

Heracles had acted a little weird during that phone call, but at the same time, it was nothing new. The poor guy just didn't want his friend to get hurt. He'd always been massively protective of Kiku like that. They'd been friends for a very long time, and during that time Heracles had always protected him from anything he felt the need to. Kiku had never asked him to... He just seemed to naturally take that role. So.. perhaps it was just that kicking in. He supposed that Alfred just.. had a reputation which everyone knew him for - but Kiku just prayed that he was different. Alfred was so lovely to him... He didn't see the monster that everyone else saw. Before all this had happened, that's what he would've believed, but now.. Kiku had learned not to judge a book by it's cover.  
Alfred was so dreamy, so beautiful and kind.. it really seemed like he cared. When he'd held Kiku to his chest - the warmth, the safety... Kiku had felt his heart beating so loud that he couldn't even focus on anything else.

What would be next..? Would Alfred kiss him soon? Kiku really hoped that he would, but he was too shy to ask or initiate it himself. See, he'd never actually kissed anyone before.. or been kissed, for that matter. He hadn't done anything romantic in his entire life and so all this was.. new to him. Of course, Alfred being someone who had been with half the entire school at this point, Kiku was trying his best not to let him know about this. What would it feel like, being kissed? Kiku wondered if he would like it. Most people seemed to. All the kissing scenes that Kiku had watched in romantic movies and series over the years, all huddled up alone with his blanket and a plushie, suddenly came back to him. Sometimes it was a sweet, pure and innocent act, and other times it seemed to be more passionate and deep. Sometimes it even got hot and lustful, and those times it usually ended in sex. Kiku wondered to himself what he would prefer or like best... Or would he even have a preference? Would he just like... All of it? Even the..?  
Kiku shook his head. Dirty thoughts.  
This bath was starting to go cold.  
Would Alfred bathe with him sometime? Get in the hot, steaming water with him and wash his hair and maybe even his body..? Him.. together.. with Alfred.. not.. wearing any..  
Kiku squeaked and sat bolt upright, the bath water sloshing with the movement and splashing over the sides a little. Kiku splashed his face with water, slapping his own cheeks as he did it. No!! He thought to himself. He couldn't let his mind get out of control so early on. He couldn't think those thoughts, especially not when he was going to see Alfred later.

Kiku sighed yet again as he got out of the bath, grabbing his towels as he did.  
How.. had he gotten like this? Alfred had some sort of magic, he was pretty sure. How had Kiku gone from being his normal, cold self with heavy iron walls that protected him from all the outside world to... this weak with love, blushing mess who kept having these unprompted borderline lewd thoughts?  
Kiku rubbed his hair dry, still feeling rather flushed despite having tried to distract himself.  
He didn't really understand it. He didn't know if he ever would.

Was this... Love?

Kiku wasn't sure. He'd never ever been in love before. He didn't understand it ..at all.  
He swallowed when he caught eye of his phone on the side. He.. hadn't meant to stay in the bath so long, and now if he didn't hurry he'd be late. He was going to Alfred's house at 6. He hadn't been to Alfred's house since it was nothing more than a study session - though those had felt weirdly tense, and now Kiku understood why. His hair wasn't fully dried, but it'd finish drying on the way there - and save him some time. He picked out a usual combination of clothing. Just a pair of generic black jeans, and then a t shirt, and about two or three sweaters of varying fits to go over the top. After pulling the sleeves right down to cover all but his fingertips, Kiku finally reached for his trusty heavy coat, and hauled it on over his layers of clothing. He made sure to grab his keys, and his phone, and his wallet, and he managed to set off at what he considered a decent time.

His heart was _thudding_.

Moreso when he knocked softly on the door.

It seemed like Kiku was stood there for an eternity, and he quietly tugged at his sleeves, unable to stand perfectly still. In reality, he had only been standing there for a minute or two, but he was thinking so many things, and the time felt drawn out.

Alfred's door suddenly swung open, startling Kiku, who had been deep in thought again at that point. Alfred seemed to notice, and awkwardly chuckled, watching Kiku look up at him.  
"Hey.. I didn't mean to make ya jump, sorry."  
"That's alright."  
"Wanna come on in?"  
"Of course."  
Kiku lowered his head again as he stepped into the apartment, but Alfred caught the faint hint of a smile that he was trying to hide.  
"You look like you're in a good mood!" Chirped Alfred as they walked properly into the room.  
"Do I?" Kiku replied, soft as ever.  
Alfred turned around to look at him again, a little pink in the cheeks.  
"You're really cute, as well." He said, sincere about it. Kiku went red in the face, immediately trying to hide it as always.  
"Thank you..."  
"So," Alfred continued speaking as he strode into the kitchen area, "I made you some dinner! I don't know how good it is, I only started learning how to cook very recently.. it's sort of a new hobby I guess!"  
Kiku decided to get comfy on the rug instead.  
"I'm sure I'll like it. That's really nice though, what made you want to learn that?"  
Kiku watched Alfred turn and grin as he set up the plates.  
"There was just someone that I decided I wanted to cook for."  
"That's wonderful... I'm sure they would be so happy."  
Kiku went quiet for a few seconds, wondering who it was. Whoever it was, they must be really special to Alfred. He didn't even realise he'd spaced out until a plate of food was set in front of him. He hadn't even realised that Alfred had sat down next to him either, until he spoke.  
"Well y'know, I really hope he _is_ happy right now." He beamed.  
Kiku's eyes widened a little bit, and he glanced at the food, then back at Alfred, then all over the place a little when he didn't know what to do.  
Alfred.. didn't mean him, right? There was no way that Alfred would do something like that just for him.. right..?  
"Are you okay, Kiku?'"  
"I- I just-"  
"You're blushing, like, really hard."  
"I am?!"  
Kiku panicked, his first instinct to try and cover his face with his hands. He heard Alfred chuckle again, and suddenly put his arm around Kiku's back, pulling him close as he muttered a heartfelt "you're adorable".  
Kiku slowly moved his hands away from his face, trying to relax.  
What was up with him today?  
He felt Alfred rub his back, and it felt really good. He even became a little less tense from it.  
Until Alfred proceeded to pull his next move.  
"Homemade pizza, see." He explained, picking up a slice in front of Kiku. "It's just cheese and tomato because I didn't know what you would like, but I really gave it a go!"  
"Well it looks amaz-"  
Kiku cut himself off when Alfred held the slice right up to his face, his other arm still tightly holding him.  
"Try it!" Alfred coaxed, fully aware of what he was doing here. "Open up."  
Kiku, who was more than embarrassed at this point, felt as if this was some sort of challenge. Did Alfred think he was going to just panic and run? Was he testing him?  
Alfred may have been testing him or something, but so was this entire activity. It didn't help that his mind had wandered earlier in the day and so... This situation felt strangely _sexual_.  
Yet, Kiku was not about to back down, so he made a point of opening his mouth and letting Alfred feed him.  
"How's that taste?" Alfred asked, sitting back a little.  
Kiku, not one to talk with his mouth full, waited until he'd swallowed to reply.  
"It's really, really good." He finally answered. "If you hadn't said so, I wouldn't have thought you were a beginner."  
Alfred showed off a huge toothy grin, elated by Kiku's words. It was such a contagious smile, and Kiku found himself smiling too, trying his best not to automatically hide it.  
"Could.. Could I get more?" He asked.  
"Of course you can!" Alfred chirped back, watching Kiku reach forward and grab another slice.

Kiku was halfway through contentedly munching on his third slice when he realised that he hadn't seen Alfred take anything yet. Plus, the entire time, his arm had stayed around Kiku, and he hadn't moved. Kiku watched him, trying to figure out why. Maybe it'd be better to just.. ask?  
"Um.." He knew this was going to be a little awkward. "Are- Are you not hungry, Alfred?"  
Alfred's eyes shot to him, and just seemed to laugh it off.  
"Sorta, but I'm on a diet so I'm trying not to eat anything like this. I just made this with you in mind!"  
Kiku stared at him a little.  
"I don't think you need to be on a strict diet like that... I.. I think.. your body is.. beautiful, so..."  
Alfred smiled, in more of a put on way this time, and shook his head.  
"You're sweet, but seriously, a few years back I used to be so overweight, I got bullied for it and everything. I can't go back to that, so..."  
Kiku frowned.  
"For the record," He spoke softly, reaching up to touch Alfred's face momentarily. "I think you'd be beautiful no matter what."  
Alfred audibly swallowed, a little rosy-cheeked.  
"Yeah, I don't know about that. You're a real darling though, you know that?"

Kiku wasn't having it.

His hand trailed from Alfred's face to his stomach, and he rest it there, hoping to make a point.  
"What are you going to eat then? What are you having for dinner?"  
Alfred shrugged.  
"Probably salad, maybe some chicken or something."  
"Is that enough to make you feel full? Wouldn't you end up hungry later?"  
"Well, I dunno, I just wait until breakfast."  
"And what's breakfast?"  
"Probably coffee."  
"That is not even a _food_!"  
Alfred just started to laugh it off again.  
"You're making this sound way worse than it actually is, Kiku."

Kiku _really_ wasn't having it.

"How long have you been on this so-called diet?"  
"Few years."  
"It's really not good for you to restrict yourself so badly, you know... It could affect your health..."  
"Yeah, well."  
Kiku lowered his head a little.  
"I'm sorry.."  
Alfred suddenly looked over at him.  
"Wait, no - don't be. C'mon, you were just trying to help, sweetie. It's just... A deep rooted issue."  
"Then.. tell me about it, if you feel comfortable doing so."  
Alfred stared at him.  
An uncomfortable silence went past.  
"It's just been an issue forever." Alfred finally said loudly. "I developed a complex, it shaped my entire personality. It's shitty, and I hate it. Even me being a bad person stemmed from the things that stemmed from that. It's fucking stupid."  
"Bad person..?"  
Alfred's eyes widened a little, he didn't quite mean to go that far with his little rant. But now Kiku was talking to him, and had heard it. Then, Kiku's tiny little arms reached around Alfred's body best they could, and he shuffled closer, sitting on Alfred's legs and curling up as close to Alfred as humanly possible.  
"What are you trying to do?" Alfred asked, trying not to laugh a little at Kiku's weak attempt at cuddling.  
Kiku just shook his head.  
"You aren't a bad person."  
Alfred snapped right out of the laughing.  
Kiku clung to him tighter, and Alfred found himself putting his arms around his petite frame.  
"I'm serious... I don't think you're bad at all. You've... You've been really, really kind to me. Even if you looked different, it wouldn't matter to me, you'd still be wonderful, I'm sure."  
Kiku felt Alfred really squeeze him. He must be doing something right.  
"You should be kinder to yourself."  
"Maybe you should be kinder to yourself too." Alfred muttered, nuzzling Kiku's head at this stage.  
Kiku closed his eyes, feeling a little blissful.  
"Perhaps I should..." He responded. "Why don't we do it together?"  
"Huh?"  
"We'll both be kinder to ourselves, and do it for each others sake. How does that sound..?"  
Alfred thought about it.  
"What would you want me to change?"  
"Well... Maybe... Start thinking that you can be a good person... And just... Eat whatever you want as well."  
"You're sweet."  
"What about me..?"  
"In that case, you gotta stop putting yourself down for being happy. Quit punishing yourself for enjoying things."  
Kiku nodded weakly.  
"I see."  
Alfred squeezed him.  
"We got a deal, then? Because I guess it's hard but I don't mind trying my best with the other stuff if it means you'll smile more."  
Kiku sighed in response.  
"We have a deal, then. But only if you keep holding me for a little while longer."  
Alfred chuckled, squeezing him hard and letting Kiku try to wrestle him when he realised he couldn't breathe.  
"Cute, I never saw you as the clingy type!" Alfred teased as Kiku kicked at him in desperation. He released his grip a little and poor Kiku immediately gasped for air.  
"That was mean." Kiku stated, snuggling right back in anyway. "You're mean to me now."  
He looked up at Alfred with just his eyes, in too comfortable of a position to move his head, and Alfred looked back at him, a playful smile upon his face before it burst into his usual toothy grin.  
Even Kiku, let a tiny, tiny smile show. After all, he'd just agreed to it, so...

And Alfred loved it.

He touched the side of Kiku's face with gentleness and care, running his fingers through the strands of hair that framed his face. Kiku closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling, and Alfred took the opportunity to softly press his lips against Kiku's forehead.  
Kiku's heart stopped, and he felt all his blood fill his cheeks. It felt so nice. It made him feel so warm, and... Loved. Kiku felt loved. Did... Did Alfred really love him? Was he.. worthy of that after all?

"You're beautiful." Alfred continued.  
They still sat in the same position an hour later. Alfred was still stroking Kiku's face, Kiku was still firmly pressing himself against Alfred's chest.  
"No, you." Retaliated Kiku, meaning it.  
"You know Kiku, the carnival is near here next Friday night."  
"Is it? I've never been to one."  
"Would you like to?"  
Kiku let himself smile softly.  
"I would."


	9. Welcome To The Carnival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred and Kiku get to experience something totally new.

Kiku felt almost dizzy as he finished tying up the little bag. More than anything, it was nerves. He just wanted his little gift to make Alfred happy, and though he knew it could potentially have the opposite effect, he felt he had to try. 

Ready to go. 

It was already getting dark outside, and Alfred had insisted that the carnival would be better at night, so Kiku went along with it. Even if it was dark, and there were lots of people, so long as Alfred was with him, he'd feel safe.

He slipped on his shoes, and of course his coat, and made sure he had everything before he set off. He was nervous, but excited. That was almost always how he felt these days. 

The sky was orange and red as he walked out, towards the bus stop. He'd be getting a different bus today - him and Alfred had agreed that to save on travel fares, they'd meet at the carnival itself. 

Soon enough, the bus showed up, and Kiku sat himself down, unconsciously picking at loose threads in his clothing. 

As strange as it was, Kiku was actually really happy that Alfred had shown his struggle around him. He was just happy that Alfred had been open and honest. It seemed to be a big step for the man. 

Kiku swung his feet idly, watching the sky now, waiting for his stop. 

It wasn't a long journey, but it seemed to take forever. 

When Kiku got off the bus, the place seemed to be packed. There really were crowds of people everywhere, and the panic set in when most of these people were taller than him, and he realised he could barely see anything. Not to mention it was so incredibly loud. Kiku backed away, swallowing hard as he suddenly felt very disoriented. Perhaps this was a bad idea. 

"Kiku!" 

He tuned into that, and turned his head to see see Alfred waving, bounding towards him past people. 

Kiku suddenly felt lighter already, and though it was a little shaky, he held his arms out, signalling for Alfred to just go for it. 

Sure enough, Alfred got to him and threw his arms around him, a hand on his back and a hand on his head, pressing him close and holding him tightly. Kiku began to feel lighter after a few seconds. It was nice and safe in Alfred's arms, breathing in his scent and feeling his body against his own. 

"Are you okay? You looked a little off just now." Alfred muttered, gently running his hand through Kiku's hair. 

"Now I'm okay, yes." Kiku replied quietly, enjoying it. 

Eventually, Alfred pulled away, and took Kiku's unoccupied hand instead. 

He beamed. He really, really smiled. Kiku showed him a shy little smile in return. 

"I'm really happy to see you, you know!" Alfred chirped. He gestured to the bag. "Whatcha got there?" 

"Ah. I'll show you. Could we perhaps go somewhere quieter..?" 

Kiku squeezed Alfred's hand. He was still a little nervous. In return, Alfred squeezed back. 

"Course we can. Once we get in, it'll be way less full, it's just this tiny area here that don't got enough room for all these people." 

"I see." 

Kiku pressed close to Alfred's side as Alfred led the way. He didn't want to be around all these people. He just wanted to be around Alfred. 

Pushing through the gates, it seemed that Alfred was right. There were still a lot of people, but the space was much bigger. Everyone was far more spread out here. 

"Are you still feeling okay, babe?"

Kiku felt all the blood in his body rush to his cheeks. He tried turning his face away, looking at the ground so that Alfred wouldn't see it. 'Babe'..??

"I- I'm- I'm fine. Yes, I'm okay. Perfect."

"Okie dokie! It's quieter in here, see?" 

Kiku nodded, and then realised that Alfred wasn't holding his hand anymore. His arm was around him. When had he done that? If Kiku hadn't already been flustered, enough... 

"Whaddya wanna do first?" Alfred asked, staring off and admiring the lights all over. 

Kiku took a few seconds to respond. 

"I would.. like to give you a gift first."

Alfred looked at him, but Kiku was hiding his face again, clearly embarrassed. 

"Jeez, you didn't have to do anything like that! I'm really grateful though, what is it?" 

Alfred put his arm down, and let Kiku stand opposite him. He passed Alfred the bag, and instantly faced the floor. 

"Don't be mad with me, please." He spoke quietly. 

Alfred glanced at him quizzically, but then reached in the bag to pull out a small box. He proceeded to open that, and inside was simply a small batch of chocolate cookies. Alfred stared, unsure of what to do or how to feel. 

A few seconds of silence went past. 

"I'm sorry... I just.. I just thought you deserved a nice treat.. I didn't mean to upset you... I'm sorry..." 

Alfred looked back at Kiku.

He looked tiny right now.

He just looked small and vulnerable, waiting for an answer. He was expecting a bad reaction. It was clear from the way he held his body that he was full of nerves, expecting Alfred to react in a bad way. 

"Where did you even get these? They look great, honestly." Alfred forced, putting his own fears behind him and concentrating on the fact that Kiku had done something for him. 

"I made them. I just.. I wanted to make them just for you. Sorry, I.." 

Alfred's heart melted. Kiku had.. done all that? Just to make him happy? And yet here he was, ashamed of himself again. 

"Are you kidding? Kiku, that's literally one of the nicest things that anyone's ever done for me. C'mere." 

He reached out and pulled Kiku into an embrace, squeezing him tight to let him know that he meant it. 

"Seriously, thank you. You literally didn't have to do that, Kiku. You're so sweet. I'll make sure to enjoy this as a treat, just for you, okay?" 

He felt Kiku nod, and the two stood there in a hug for quite some time, letting each others presence slowly comfort them. After a while, Alfred finally let go and put the food back into the bag, making it easier to carry around. 

He turned to Kiku again and held out his hand. 

"Alrighty, what do you wanna do now?" 

Kiku took his hand. 

"I'll let you decide." 

Alfred excitedly pulled Kiku up to the rollercoaster queue. 

"This is by far the best one here. I've been on this thing before when this carnival was here last time!!" 

"It looks scary."

"It's not that bad, I promise! Look how small that is, it's gotta be kinda tiny just so they can cart this stuff around everywhere!"

"I see." 

"If you're scared though, we don't have to go on it!" 

"I did not say I was scared." 

"Okie dokie!" 

Alfred noted that Kiku's expression, as he carefully watched the car complete a circuit, told otherwise, and he had to smile to himself because of it. 

Even upon boarding, a brave Kiku wasn't backing down, but it didn't take long after the ride started for him to start panicking a little. 

"You know," Alfred casually spoke up, "Constantly leaning out of the car to see how high up it is isn't gonna make you feel any better."

"Why would I need to feel better?" Kiku spat back, trying to be defensive about the matter. "There's nothing wrong with me." 

The smaller of the two suddenly gasped and shuffled as far into the car as he could. Alfred grinned, knowing it meant the drop was coming, and sure enough, the ride set into a much faster motion than it had been. 

Kiku just panicked and grabbed Alfred's arm instead of actually holding onto the bars. He squeezed his eyes shut and hid his face best he could, his grip tight. Meanwhile, Alfred left him to it, enjoying the ride as did anyone else on the coaster. 

Kiku continued to hang onto Alfred even as they walked back down the steps. 

"Still not scared?" Taunted Alfred.

"Not scary at all." 

"Whatever you say, tough guy." 

Kiku let go and weakly swatted at him in retaliation, thinking about telling him to shut up but deciding he was too polite. 

"If you're so tough, how about the haunted house next? Or the wipeout? Or the rollercoaster again?"

"No." Kiku responded plainly. "No. We will not be doing those things." 

Alfred laughed. 

"C'mere." He said, his voice sweet as he lovingly put his arm around Kiku's back again. "Let's do somethin' a little tamer now, yeah?" 

"Ah?"

"We could try some games?" 

"Ah, that does sound more fun!" 

Alfred grinned at him. 

"Then let's go!" 

Kiku missed for the second time. He gave a weak sigh, but Alfred wasn't about to let him back out now. 

"C'mon, you still got one more chance! You can do this, Kiku!" He practically cheered, just trying to hype him up. 

Kiku took a deep breath, taking this far, far too seriously, and aimed best he could with the small plastic ball. He launched it, but the ball might as well have landed in a different plane of existence - that's really how badly he missed. 

Kiku let out a much more defeated sigh than the last one, but Alfred was still grinning. He walked up to the counter next to Kiku, and handed the stall runner a few dollars. 

"I'll have a go." He said. 

Kiku watched him, half wishing he'd fail just so that he could later prove a point about how rigged these things were. However, Alfred had completely different ideas. He turned to Kiku and winked, making a real show of himself, before he tossed the ball, barely looking at what he was doing - and it went straight in. Kiku gasped, kind of unable to believe what he just saw. 

"How did you do that!?" He almost interrogated, his tone of voice demanding and curious. 

Alfred just laughed. 

"I dunno, I have good aim I guess."

The person working the stall handed the prize to Alfred - a great big golden teddy bear with a blue ribbon around its neck. Alfred then immediately passed it to Kiku, who began quietly stuttering in confusion.

"I want you to have it!" Alfred beamed, ruffling Kiku's hair a little as he watched him silently cuddle it tightly. 

"Thank you..." Kiku said softly, but very sincerely. Alfred didn't even know how much he loved cute plushies like this. He gazed at it lovingly as they continued to walk around the carnival, and after another half hour or so, he realised why. 

"It looks quite a bit like you." He spoke out of the blue, as Alfred and him sat on a bench with drinks, taking a quick break. 

Alfred smiled. 

"Really?! How?" 

"Big.. and soft... and the colours.." Kiku listed, cuddling the bear all over again. This time it was more a case of trying to hide his blushing face in the soft, warm fluff. 

Alfred felt as if his heart was literally melting inside him. Was it really possible to be this fond of someone? Alfred thought he could maybe just sit here forever, and watch Kiku be cute like this. He didn't think it was possible to get bored. 

"You gotta stop, I swear," he half-joked, "you're adorable and it's killing me." 

Kiku muttered something, but with his face still buried in the bear, Alfred didn't quite catch what it was. He continued watching Kiku for a short while as he drank his can of soda, and Kiku seemed to be barely awake, his head drooping a little, blinking slowly. 

"You tired?" 

Kiku nodded, and Alfred glanced at his phone. To be fair, it was getting pretty late. Close enough to midnight even, so even though Alfred wasn't tired at all, it was no real surprise that Kiku was sleepy. 

"Let's just do one more thing, and then I'll take you home, okay?" Proposed Alfred. 

Kiku nodded again.

"Sure." 

"It's huge. Is that even safe?" Kiku asked, seemingly more perked up now that he was eyeing the sheer size of the ferris wheel. 

"Well I mean, this isn't the biggest one out there, and I'm sure it's safe anyway." 

"You don't sound convincing." 

"It'll be awesome though, we'll be able to see so much up there!" 

Kiku swallowed as Alfred pointed up to the very top. 

"At least we're going home afterwards." He sighed. 

The two got in the car together, and sat down next to each other, both already staring out of the windows. 

It was quiet between them as they car rose, but around halfway up, Alfred started talking. 

"Look, see! You can see for miles up here!" He grinned, almost pressing himself up against the glass. "I bet we can see your place, and my place, and walmart, and other stuff too!" 

Alfred turned around, that great big smile on his face, to look at Kiku. Except, Kiku wasn't looking out, and sat on the long seat with his legs together and his hands on his knees. He stared at the floor, and Alfred had to force himself not to let his smile fade. 

"You good? If you were really really scared of this, you should've said something, sweetie. I'm sorry if-"

"It's not that."

Alfred went quiet. 

"Alfred.. can I ask you something?"

"Of... course you can, Kiku." 

"Do you..." Kiku paused and exhaled, then took another deep breath. "Do you.. really like me, Alfred? Or is all this just... I mean... Am I just..." 

He trailed off, and Alfred forced a small laugh. 

"Of course I like you, I don't.. really understand what you're saying." 

Kiku was silent again. 

"It's just... You've never stayed with someone before, have you..? I'm not just going to be the next throwaway or anything... Right?"

"What? No, no way, Kiku!" Alfred shuffled up to him, so that they could sit together properly. "No! To tell the truth, I think I do really like you."

Alfred swallowed hard. 

Why couldn't he say it?

Like? 

What sort of word was that?

"Kiku, I think I..." 

He reached out toward Kiku, and gently turned his head to look at him. He let his fingertips wander, and tucked Kiku's hair behind his ear. 

Kiku's eyes were wide. He was expecting something to happen. 

And Alfred didn't really know what he was doing, nor did he know why, but he just sort of... Felt like it was right. 

So he leaned in, pushed forward, moving quicker than he had been, and Kiku was pushed firmly against the carriage wall. 

The slightly muffled, contented sigh he made when Alfred kissed him was heaven on earth. 

For a few seconds, Kiku was happy enough just being held against the wall like this, but his hands started to have their own ideas and soon enough they were hooked around Alfred's neck, pulling him in closer if that were even humanly possible at this stage. He adjusted the position of his legs, bringing them up onto the bench so that his body wasn't twisted. 

Now they were really getting into it, and Alfred let his tongue slip out of his own mouth into Kiku's, who took it well and reciprocated. 

It suddenly felt very hot in that carriage. 

Alfred still had a little bit of worry in the back of his mind. He hadn't even asked - but at the same time, Kiku was joining in and he seemed comfortable enough. He suddenly realised he had stilled a little, but that previous worry got dissolved when Kiku came for him like a hungry animal, pulling him in harder as if to plead for this to carry on. 

One of Kiku's hands stayed around his neck, but Alfred felt the other trail downwards and land on his thigh. Kiku seemed to be getting brave. Alfred couldn't help but smirk into the kiss and pull away, having other ideas now. A faint line of spit still connected them as Alfred pulled back a little, and the grin on his face only got bigger as he watched Kiku show off a shy but full and toothy smile as well. 

For Alfred, that was the first kiss he'd enjoyed in a very, very long time.

For Kiku, that was... the first kiss.

"You could have just said it, but I suppose you wanted to show me instead, didn't you?" Kiku breathed, his voice low. 

"I didn't know what else to do." Replied Alfred, still leaning over Kiku. He gritted his teeth. Why couldn't he just..? Those words were...

Alfred went for the neck the second time around. 

He sucked hard on the soft flesh, even daring to bite ever so slightly, though not enough that it'd become uncomfortable. In turn he felt Kiku grab and pull at the back of his jacket - hard - and he made the prettiest, softest sounds into Alfred's ear. It'd leave a mark, but it was too late to turn back and he just had to hope that Kiku would be okay with that. At the same time though, he acted like he loved it - holding onto Alfred's jacket, his legs up around his back by now, breathing sensually into Alfred's ear - all good signs. 

Again, he pulled away, but went straight back for another kiss on the lips. Maybe not so hot and heavy this time, but rather softer and sweeter, to let Kiku know it was coming to an end.

Kiku's lips were soft and sweet, too. 

Parting for the last time, Alfred took to giving Kiku's cheek a gentle caress in his palm, and Kiku leaned into it, a relaxed, happy expression upon his face. It was the first time that Alfred had even seen Kiku looking so contented, like he suddenly didn't have a care in the whole world.

He could say it. He had to say it. He had to tell Kiku what he was feeling before if he didn't do it now, would he ever be brave enough? He'd done this sort of thing a million times with other people, but beautiful, sweet Kiku made him feel like it was the first time all over again. Handsome, darling Kiku made him feel shy. 

"What I was saying..." He began. He just had to spit it out. Now. 

Alfred swallowed again. 

"I love you." 

And slowly, Kiku leaned in for just a short cuddle before it would be time to get off the ride. 

"I think I love you too, Alfred." 

At long last, the ride was over, and Kiku took Alfred's hand to lead him out of the car. 

"Well... That was quite fun." Kiku said, as they began walking to the entrance that they came in from. 

"What," Alfred teased, "the ferris wheel, or the making out?" 

"Hm. You think I paid much attention to the wheel?" 

Kiku glanced at Alfred, still smiling after all this time. 

He was so cute. 

Alfred had been longing to see a smile like that since they started hanging out together. It seemed to be something that was pretty rare to see. Maybe not a lot of people got to see it. 

Which was a shame, because of how beautiful it was. 

Walking out, Kiku squeezed Alfred's hand a little. 

"Alfred, would you... come home with me tonight?" Kiku asked, seemingly going back into shy mode. 

"Sure I will!" Alfred replied cheerily. "I wouldn't want you going home all alone at this time of night anyway, so of course I'll come!" 

"Thank you." Was the reply, and he swung Alfred's hand in his a little. 

What a night. Was he dreaming? Surely it wasn't possible to be feeling so light and floaty without it being a dream. But at the same time, why would he be sleepy inside a dream? It was probably possible, but not very likely. He just felt... nice. That was the best, most simple way to describe it. Nice. 

The bus arrived, and they boarded as normal. At this time of night, the only people on it were them, and a few others who were also coming out of the carnival. Alfred took the window seat, and Kiku sat down next to him, making himself comfortable. He sat quietly with his arms around the teddy bear, and Alfred took to telling him things again. Anything could be turned into a funny story in Alfred's eyes. Kiku just idly listened to him. He didn't have to reply, but he listened, and took it in. It really amazed him how Alfred could make such big stories about the littlest of things. 

"And I wondered, like, how did a cornflake even get into my god damn lucky charms, you know? It's like-" 

Alfred stopped out of surprise when Kiku slumped against him. A warm smile spread across his face, and he reached to put his arm around him. 

"Still tired?" 

Kiku nodded. 

"You don't have to stop talking though. Your voice is nice." 

"Alright, well, I dunno, the cereal company must've made a mistake or something, because that is so whack! I couldn't stop laughing, it was so dumb dude."

Soon enough, the stop came, and Alfred gave a dozy Kiku a gentle shake. He was awake, but just barely. 

They left the bus, and from there it was a short walk to Kiku's place. Alfred was actually kind of excited - he hadn't seen Kiku's residence yet, and he'd been wondering what it would be like. 

Nothing could've prepared him for what he was greeted with when Kiku unlocked and pushed open the apartment door. It was both what he expected and not what he expected at all, at the same time. 

It was very neat and tidy, but somehow kind of cluttered at the same time. Not cluttered in a messy way, but there were lots of tiny little ornaments and trinkets dotted around the room. The bed, which was situated to the middle back of the room, had on it more animal plushies than Alfred could count. He stared, not because he found it weird, but just because he thought it was adorable. For someone with such a cold impenetrable exterior, Kiku really did have the warmest inside. 

He stood in the doorway for a few seconds, watching Kiku grab what appeared to be some extremely fluffy pajamas out of a set of drawers he had. 

"Alrighty," Alfred began, "I'll leave you to it now, I'll let you get to bed, okay? Night, Ki-"

"You're.. leaving?"

Alfred stared at him and Kiku stared back. 

"I thought you just wanted me to take you home..?" 

"No, I.. I meant for you to stay the night... You don't have to if you don't want to, but.. I just hoped..."

Alfred smiled, and stepped back into the room, closing the door behind him. 

"Well, I'd actually love to stay."

Kiku gave another soft smile, standing up with his pajamas in his hands and trotting over to the bathroom. 

"I'm going to get changed, please make yourself at home and get comfortable." He said as he did so. He looked back at Alfred quickly before he entered the bathroom. "I'm very sorry though, I don't think I have any spare pajamas that will fit you..." 

Alfred chuckled as he came and leaned on the railing of the bed. 

"Don't worry about it, I'll make do with my t-shirt and my undies." He grinned. Kiku smiled back and went to get changed. 

Kiku's place smelled nice, Alfred thought. It was clear that he kept this place clean and nice, and there was almost a sweet floral scent in the air as if he'd sprayed something around this morning. Alfred just took off his shoes, jacket, and jeans, and left the rest on. He decided to make himself comfy on Kiku's bed, and that wasn't hard. Kiku had a lot of fluffy, thick blankets on here, making it instantly nice to sit on. All the plushies - mostly cats, were a cute and cozy touch too. Kiku had already set the golden teddy from earlier down on the bed, too. 

When he came out of the bathroom finally, Alfred really had to fight the urge to 'aww' at him. The pajamas were hugely oversized, and he looked incredibly comfy as he steadily shuffled towards where Alfred sat. He crawled onto the bed, and let Alfred be on the end as he got in the middle between Alfred and all the plushies. 

He reached out forward, and gently took hold of Alfred's glasses. He pulled them off, setting them on the side as he stared with depth into those sky blue eyes. Without a word, he grasped at Alfred's shirt, and slowly pulled him down to lay together. In turn, Alfred did his part by pulling the blankets over them both, and Kiku instantly decided to snuggle up to him. Alfred just took a nice, deep breath and put his arms around Kiku, securing him in a nice, warm embrace. 

Kiku was out like a light. He had been incredibly tired though, to the point where as he got more drowsy, he had almost completely given up talking. 

Alfred could feel his heart pulsing so god damn hard. Kiku seemed so at peace, and he was so warm and small in Alfred's arms. It was almost like holding a hot water bottle, but way, way better. How far Kiku had come to be at this stage of trust and relaxation. Alfred had thought it would've taken him more than just over a month to come round like this, but something about him and Kiku almost felt like a sealed fate already. Whatever that sealed fate was, Alfred hoped it had a good ending.

Alfred idly played with his hair, careful not to wake him, and gave his forehead a gentle kiss. This was bliss. This was pure heaven. 

Alfred thought he could stay here like this forever. Soon enough, he too was fast asleep. 

When the morning came, Kiku was the first to wake. He gazed up lovingly at Alfred's gross, sleeping face, and he smiled with genuine happiness. It had been a long time since he'd been doing that so frequently.


	10. With you, in the night time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't go."

It was perhaps the first time that he had studied Alfred's face in full detail. He'd been rather ashamed to stare before, but this way, it wasn't like Alfred would know.   
Soft morning light shone through the curtains, casting an equally soft glow on the two who laid down together, at utmost peace and tranquility.   
The sheets and blankets covered him, though he didn't really need it. Alfred's arm was still firmly around his back, and it had been all night. 

Kiku sort of took this opportunity to explore. How could it be that every detail of Alfred's face was immaculate? Furthermore, how could Alfred not think that? 

Sure, he appeared cocky, confident, egotistical - but Kiku could see straight through it. Especially now. The forced grins, the assorted makeup, the unhealthy eating habits - all of it, things that Alfred didn't want anyone to see. 

Kiku held his breath, a little nervous, as he tenderly reached up best he could, his other arm still pressed tightly to Alfred's chest, and hesitated. Did he dare to touch? Alfred didn't really seem like a light sleeper, but if he was, the embarrassment would be almost unbearable.   
He let his fingers trace the various shapes of Alfred's structure, his hand so light that even he barely felt anything; from the sharp jawline, to the steep bridge of his nose, and even more careful than before, Kiku even traced the shape of his eyelashes, completely transfixed. Forgetting about everything else in the world, Kiku settled on using his thumb to draw gentle circles on Alfred's cheek, still staring.   
He just.. looked flawless to Kiku. It didn't matter that without the makeup, he had acne, dark circles, uneven skin tone... Who cared? Everyone in the world had those things. Alfred was so beautiful. So perfect. Breathtaking even, because there had been many instances of Kiku almost forgetting to breathe around him.   
He felt Alfred's arm tighten a little around him, and he wondered if he was waking up, but he seemed to relax soon after, and was definitely still asleep. Kiku took a deep breath, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly in nothing but pure bliss, and nestled his head underneath Alfred's chin. Held closer to his chest, Kiku could hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, and he listened, closing his eyes to it, just feeling, listening for now.   
Kiku didn't know how long it had been. He didn't care. Not right now, anyway. He had found something here, this morning and last night, that he didn't know existed before. Something that he had been curious about, an untapped emotion, an unfightable draw to another person. An enchantment. If the concept of perfection could ever really exist, then this was it. 

Alfred shifted, making some sort of soft sound as he exhaled, and gave Kiku a half hearted squeeze.   
"Good.. nmornin'.." He murmured, still half asleep. His movements were slow as he woke up, but he managed to give Kiku's back a slow, affectionate rub.   
"Good morning, Alfred. You really were tired, weren't you?" Replied Kiku.   
"Says you..." Alfred fought back, the attempt sluggish. "...Mr.Pass-out-in-my-arms..."  
"Oh _my_, I didn't really, did I?" Asked Kiku, though he sounded far less alarmed than usual.   
Alfred just smiled, and tilted Kiku's head up to look at him. He almost chuckled.   
"You just look blurry." He remarked. "I can't see what I'm doing."   
Kiku had to smile as well, and did the work of going in for the kiss instead. There was something so soft, so pure about kissing like this. Something so warm, and gentle about it. 

Kiku pulled back after a few seconds, and sat himself upright, reaching to the bedside table. He took Alfred's glasses, and then leant over him as Alfred rolled onto his back. He lowered himself, gently slipping the lenses into place, stealing a quick kiss on Alfred's nose as he did it. Alfred reached up to cup his face, and beamed.   
"You're still just as beautiful as ever, you know." 

Perfection.

  
It was later on in the day, when Alfred was back to doing his own thing again, that he met up with Gilbert. This was becoming increasingly common, and so there would of course come a point where Gilbert really just had to ask.  
  
"How's it going?" He asked nonchalantly at first, although he really was interested in Alfred's response.   
Alfred nodded.   
"Good. Yeah, really really good. I don't really know how to describe it, but Gil, I have not been this happy for a long ass time."  
"Good to hear... Hey Al, have you actually told anyone else?"  
The American swallowed, thinking about it.   
"Told what?" He asked, though he knew.   
"That you're in an actual, dedicated relationship now, dumbass." Scoffed Gilbert, idly popping open a can of lemonade as he gave Alfred an unimpressed stare.   
"Well I mean, I just don't wanna blow my rep, you know?"  
It was quiet for a moment, and Gilbert raised an albino eyebrow, tapping on the can.   
"So nobody knows."  
"I just- I'll get round to it eventually."  
"Mathias?"  
"...No."  
"Is it just me?"  
"...Yeah."  
There was a silent second.  
"You're a fuckin' loser, Al."  
"Fuck you, c'mon man I'll get around to it. It's fine."  
"It's not fine! Let me tell you why it's not fine, bastard. How the fuck are you gonna secretly have a serious relationship with someone? Literally everyone is going to catch on, Kiku included."  
"And?"  
"Bitch, and that means you're gonna lose one or the other. If you put your new relationship first, then sure, you're gonna lose that reputation. If you put the rep first, then guess what? You lose the boy."  
Alfred just grimaced at him, before taking a swig from his own drink.   
"Listen dude, I don't know what the hell you think you know about dating, cause none of us have every done this shit before, so lay off maybe." He swallowed again. "I can keep both. I can make it work. Everyone at college just has to believe I'm the same as I always was."  
"You're an idiot, and I thought I was one."  
"I've spent years building up this reputation. Being seen as some sort of school king was my fucking dream, and you know that Gil, cause it's been forever. I ain't losing all that now."   
Gilbert just sighed.   
"I know you don't wanna go back to being the fat kid that nobody likes, but just... Consider what you value _more_, at the least."   
Alfred hadn't even listened to him - he just sat there, drinking his cola, and a minute or so went by.  
"How's.. it going?" Alfred asked, if anything just to break the tension.   
Gilbert just smirked.   
"Good. Yeah, really really good."

Meanwhile, Kiku met with his own friends at a coffee shop, rather than the kind of shady park that Alfred and Gilbert were hanging around at.   
"Good afternoon to you both." He greeted calmly, sitting down on a spare chair at the table.   
Abel at least was not so calm as he instantly noticed something new about Kiku.   
"Is that a _hickey_?!" He asked, his voice as full of surprise as you could really get out of Abel.  
"Probably." Mumbled Heracles, who didn't really even look. He seemed busy on his phone.   
"Is it really that visible..?" Kiku replied, his cheeks a hint of pink. "I tried to cover it up a little."  
"You didn't do a very good job."  
"Abel.. it's not really a bad thing, anyway... It's just.. a thing, that's all."   
"My god, Heracles, we've completely lost him."   
"Let the man live, Abel. If Kiku is happy, then I'm happy."   
Abel just sighed in response, as Heracles peered under the table at the shopping bag between Kiku's feet.   
"What did you get?"   
"Ah... Just groceries." Kiku replied to him, pushing the bag back with his feet. "I meant to take them home first, but I didn't want to be late, or keep you both waiting."  
"Fair."   
"I also finished the art assignment. Did you?"   
Heracles shrugged.   
"I made a clay pot thing. I spent too much time on it, so it's still.. drying."  
"I just made a painting." Abel stated.   
"So did I. What did you paint, Abel?"   
"My rabbit."  
Kiku smiled.   
"Ah, I should've known, shouldn't I?"  
"What did you paint, Kiku?" Heracles joined in again.  
"It was sort of abstract." Kiku replied, getting out his phone to show them. "Here." 

He presented them with a photo of a painting - supposedly abstract, but it did very much take form.   
"Looks like two lovers to me." Heracles pointed out.   
"Something was on your mind when you painted this." Abel added.   
Kiku quickly turned his phone back around.   
"It doesn't look like anything!" He protested, a little bit hurt. "It's abstract!"  
"Well, see what the professor thinks on Monday." Teased Heracles, checking his phone again.   
Kiku pouted, feeling a little defeated, but was quickly distracted when his own phone vibrated. 

"Wanna play online later?" Alfred had texted.   
Kiku instantly began texting back. Online games were great, sure, and Kiku did play them religiously, but since this morning, he'd had other ideas.   
"Maybe, but only if you come to my place and stay again." He sent back.   
A couple of seconds went by as Kiku stared at the screen, waiting.   
"Miss me?"   
"It would be too cold without you."  
"I'll be there later, ily."

Smiling at his phone, Kiku just sent back a heart.  
"What are you smiling at?" Heracles asked.   
"Nothing." Replied Kiku. 

It was around seven in the evening, when a sharp knock alerted Kiku, who'd previously been watching cat compilation videos. He put his phone down and got up to calmly get the door, and of course, Alfred was stood there with a grin, and a backpack this time.   
"I brought my PJs this time, no more gross sweaty t-shirt sleeping." He laughed as Kiku let him in, who proceeded to follow him as Alfred went to set his bag down.  
"Good evening, Alfred."   
"Good evenin' sweetcheeks. Have a good day?"   
"Yes. Did you?"   
"Ah man, kinda mixed, y'know? I'm real glad to be back here with you, it's becoming my favourite thing!"   
"Is it really..?"   
"Yeah, it is."   
Kiku felt himself blushing, and decided that rather than embarrassing himself, he'd make himself busy and get Alfred a glass of water.   
He came back and found Alfred sitting on the bed, so he perched on the edge and passed him the glass.   
"I'm sorry for being such a bad host last night... I really did just pass out, I should've at least offered you a glass of water or something."  
Alfred just laughed at him.  
"C'mon Keeks, don't be silly, you were tired as hell and so was I, who cares about a glass of water?"   
"I just thought it was polite to mention it."   
"Wanna play something now? What do you have?"   
Kiku thought about it.   
"I have my switch, we could play smash bros if you wanted to?"   
Alfred's face lit up.  
"Oh yeah, that sounds awesome! I've never played it, but it's a fighting game, right?"  
Kiku nodded, getting up to go and fetch the console. He came back swiftly, and sat properly on the bed this time, handing Alfred a controller. Slowly, and quietly, he shuffled up to Alfred best he could, wanting to cuddle and still somehow play the game. He just felt.. rather clingy. He'd been feeling like it for most of the day, and he sort of knew why.   
"I'll go easy on you." Said Kiku as they chose characters.   
"Whatever, I'll beat you anyway babe."   
Except, that clearly wasn't true, because Alfred wasn't all that sure which character he should even pick. He settled on snake, because Alfred decided he just looked cool. Kiku chose Princess Peach, having quite a bit of experience with most characters - but especially cuter ones.   
Alfred was a little frustrated after the first match. He instantly demanded a rematch, and Kiku casually agreed to it.   
When Alfred lost a second time, he asked Kiku what the secret was.   
"Maybe it's just the fact that I have two hundred hours on this game." He stated, as if it was nothing.   
"Alright then, let's fight again." Alfred replied, getting a little riled up. 

Many, many matches later, Kiku was beginning to get distracted. Alfred was still very absorbed in the game, and normally, Kiku would be too. It wasn't like him to not pay attention, but at long last, he finally lost a match. He'd been too busy craftily looking at Alfred through the corners of his eyes. His eyes trailed down, and he caught himself quietly looking at Alfred's legs.. and more.  
Alfred, not having noticed one bit, threw his hands in the air with a shout of triumph, startling Kiku right out of it.  
"See!? _See_?!?! I told you I could do it! I won!!!"   
Kiku just smiled a little again.  
"You did."  
Alfred chuckled a little, before a few seconds of silence went past, nobody really doing or saying anything. Something kind of seemed off about Kiku. 

"Hey angelcake, you're kinda quiet again, what's up?" He asked casually, leaning back on his palms.   
Kiku shifted uncomfortably.   
"I'm just feeling too hot, that's all."   
"Maybe if you didn't always wear like, five sweaters, you wouldn't be. That is definitely the issue here." Teased Alfred.   
Kiku swallowed hard, seriously contemplating something. He felt a pang in his chest, his face burn already.   
"Then why... don't you take them off?"  
A slight shiver ran up Kiku's spine. Had he really just said that? He had. He turned away from Alfred, hoping that somehow, he hadn't heard it. Alfred was quiet for a few seconds.   
"Maybe I will, then." He said, shuffling over to kiss Kiku's cheek. Kiku turned to look at him, and Alfred went for a kiss on the lips. 

Kiku wasn't even sure what to do. He'd never done this before, and he didn't really want Alfred to know that. He'd end up feeling embarrassed, and then he worried he wouldn't enjoy it. For now, he concentrated on kissing. It certainly felt good. He felt good all over - Alfred was being a little more hands-on this time.   
"Do you have stuff?" Alfred asked, beaking off the kiss. "I didn't bring anything, for like the first time ever."  
"Stuff..?"  
"Yeah, like condoms, lube. It's gonna be kinda difficult without."  
"Oh... Yeah... Just... Bedside drawer."   
Kiku made a vague gesture behind him.   
"Convenient." Alfred chuckled, leaning over him to open it. Sure enough, it was all there - along with a receipt with today's date on it. "You got all this today?"   
"No. Why would I do that?"   
Alfred grinned.  
"I just wondered. Hey Keeks, have you actually done this before?"  
Kiku hesitated.   
"Of course I have." He lied. "I don't know why you'd think otherwise."  
"Well you aren't normally so defensive for starters, sweetheart." Replied Alfred, letting a hand wander up the back of Kiku's clothing. He wondered if he could pull them all off in one go. They were all sweaters, so they were loose enough. Kiku stiffened, both at the touch and at the fact that Alfred was picking up on him lying. He decided not to say anything else.  
"Can I take these off?" Alfred asked, his fingers around the edges of the sweaters.   
"I already said you could." Kiku almost spat.   
"Okay, okay, I'm just making sure." Alfred laughed, lifting them off in a swift, clean movement. He quickly took his own shirt off as well, and noticed Kiku utterly hypnotised. It wasn't like he was doing any better though. Alfred felt his heart racing at this point, and he couldn't remember the last time that'd happened in a situation like this. Kiku was skinny, but not to an unhealthy point. He was slight, with sharply defined collarbones and the outline of his ribcage just protruding, the curve down to his stomach rather steep. His jeans were just resting on his stomach, practically begging to be taken off.   
"Your body is goddamn beautiful, like, really, really..."   
"You're one to talk."   
Alfred leaned down, with his arms around Kiku, so that Kiku would end up on his back, and began gently kissing his neck. He used one hand to prop himself up, and slipped the other underneath Kiku's jeans, his breath hitching. Kiku laid with his head on a pillow, turned to the side a little, embarrassed but not really in a bad way. He was nervous, but he had put his trust in Alfred, and he liked where this was going. He wanted to touch. He nervously put his hands on Alfred's abdomen, letting his fingers feel every shape and line, daring to try and push off his jeans and the boxers underneath them. Alfred let him, and Kiku felt him doing the same, so of course, he let it happen.   
Alfred stopped with the assault on his neck for a moment just to kiss him properly again.   
"You still sure about this?" Alfred asked, breaking it off for a second.   
"Of course I am." Kiku replied, suddenly sounding a little more mellow than he had been.   
"Just making sure. Ready?"  
Kiku nodded, and then panicked a little. He grabbed Alfred's arm, hard.   
"Wait- Just... Just be gentle, please."   
Alfred responded with a tender kiss to the forehead, Kiku relaxing under him again.  
"Hey, don't worry," Alfred soothed, "you're safe with me. Let me know if you don't want to carry on or anything, it's totally okay."  
"Thank you." Kiku reached up and put his arms around Alfred's back. "I think I'm ready now." 

He couldn't remember the last time. Alfred kept on moving at a blissful rhythm, losing himself in his feelings, both physically and emotionally. He couldn't remember the last time he'd done this out of love. It had always been lust. The emotional side hadn't come into play for... As long as he could remember. Looking down at Kiku's face, planting soft kisses on his lips; he almost felt healed somehow. In this moment, watching Kiku close his eyes in bliss, sigh softly every so often, he felt like he'd changed. If it was possible to change, then Kiku had changed him. In this moment, Kiku had been the one to heal him. 

Kiku finally lost his senses, and his face, his final cry, the legs around Alfred's waist and the sharp fingernails down his back brought Alfred to his peak just afterwards. They stayed still for a few moments, forehead to forehead, coming down from the high and basking in the afterglow of the act.   
Alfred opened his eyes when he felt two small hands on either side of his face.   
"Hi." He simply said, his tone relaxed, staring into Kiku's eyes with a smile.   
"Thank you." Kiku replied. "Though I lied earlier."  
"That's bad, you shouldn't lie about this sorta stuff, but I already knew. You can kinda tell."  
"I just wanted to save that experience for someone I really liked."   
"Oh?"  
Kiku pulled Alfred down with his hands.  
"Mhm, and I _really_ like you, so..."   
And kissed him. Just as passionately as before. It lasted a few seconds, before Alfred pulled back.  
"Yeah well, I really like you too, so that's good." He just smiled warmly at Kiku for a moment, before he pulled back further to sit up finally. "Do you wanna go get cleaned up first?"   
"No. I want to go to sleep."   
"It's good practice, babe." Alfred laughed, taking Kiku's hand to pull him up as well.   
"Fine."  
Kiku got up and headed to the bathroom, seemingly taking his time. The small bathroom was too small to fit both of them in, otherwise Alfred would've accompanied him. He came back after a while wearing just his underwear, and dove on the bed, seemingly ready to pass out again. Alfred left to go clean up by himself, and fully expected Kiku to be asleep by the time he came back.   
He couldn't help but feel fulfilled. He didn't actually think, just a few weeks ago, that he'd ever feel a real connection to someone else - but here he was, feeling everything for Kiku. He was happy. He was on cloud nine, and Kiku was everything to him now. His heart felt light, his head felt floaty, and Alfred thought that maybe from now on, everything was going to be okay. 

He came out finally, and saw Kiku sitting upright on the bed, rather than asleep like he'd kinda expected.   
"Hey sweetie." Alfred greeted warmly, watching him for a second.   
Kiku sat on his legs with his hands on his knees, staring down at them. Something wasn't right. Alfred was about to grab some water, until he heard a very small sniffle. He instantly turned back to Kiku.   
"Hey, what's..." He trailed off, continuing to watch, before he swallowed hard. "You're crying."  
He watched Kiku slowly shake his head, still not looking at him, and Alfred made his way over, getting on the bed next to him.   
"Hey. Tell me why you're crying. I didn't hurt you, right? Please tell me what happened."  
Kiku's breath stuttered, and he leaned further forward, clearly trying to hide his face.   
"_Kiku_." Pleaded Alfred, more urgently now. "Please tell me. Like, if I hurt you, I want to know, cause I don't want that at all."  
"It's not that." Kiku said quietly, trying to choke back his feelings. "You didn't hurt me at all. That was amazing, just now."  
"Then...? Please, Kiku."  
He watched Kiku wipe his eyes.   
"Just now, you got what you originally set out for, correct? I wanted it too, so badly, but now I'm scared that you don't want anything else from me."  
"I... What are you saying?"  
"Please don't go, Alfred. I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning and you have left, I... I'm worth more than that to you, right? Don't go."  
Alfred's heard broke like glass. His stomach dropped like a stone.   
Had... Had Kiku really thought that Alfred was just using him? Yet, at the same time, the poor boy couldn't be blamed. Alfred was well aware of his past habits. He did not like them, and he was beyond upset now. He'd made Kiku think that he was going to leave. His past actions had made Kiku think that he was going to leave. Alfred was not going to leave - no, this was the first time he'd found something like this. The first time he'd actually loved someone - Kiku thought he didn't? How?   
"_No_, Kiku. No way." He spoke softly, pulling Kiku's small frame close. "I'm staying right here with you. I'm all yours."   
He leant down and held Kiku's face in one hand, gently trying his best to kiss the tears away.   
"Don't cry." He said, hushed and tenderly. "Please don't cry. I'm sorry that you thought that."  
Alfred pulled him backwards to lay down together, pulling the covers over their almost naked bodies. He held Kiku tightly, almost too tightly, and firmly rubbed at his back. Quickly he reached and dumped his glasses on the side, before he rolled back over to put his other arm too, around Kiku, who was quiet, nestled into Alfred's chest.   
With the other hand still firmly on Kiku's back, he reached up and and started playing with his hair at the same time. Kiku seemed to go calmer, putting his arms around Alfred's torso, and holding him the same way he was being held.   
"I'll still be here. I don't want to ever leave, really. I don't want this night to ever end. You know that, right?"   
Kiku exhaled softly, nodding against Alfred's chest.   
"Please stay tomorrow night, too." He whispered.   
"I'd love to."


	11. I kissed you and it hurt,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye, Mr.Jones.

Monday morning, and Kiku pulled himself out of bed with a groan, reaching for his phone to turn off the wretched alarm. Normally, he wouldn't have an issue with getting up - but today he didn't want to get out of bed. Not when Alfred was still here.   
Speaking of, Alfred too was waking up, but at a far slower rate. Getting out of bed in a morning generally would take him quite the while. He felt around for his glasses, and Kiku, after initially stretching and getting onto his feet, walked round the bed to pass them to him.   
He leant down as he gave them to Alfred, and gave him a kiss as he did, running a hand through his sandy coloured hair.   
"Time to get up." Kiku said as he stood up finally. "It's Monday morning, Alfred."   
"Jesus, I think this is already like, my favourite Monday morning ever." Alfred replied, just sitting up at long last. Kiku seemed to wander off and do his own thing, getting ready, Alfred supposed.   
The American got dressed quickly and reapplied any smudged off makeup as quickly as he could. It wasn't like Kiku hadn't seen the face under it. He wanted to pretend he hadn't. 

Almost as soon as he'd covered the last pesky freckles, Kiku came out of the bathroom, dressed in his layers of sweaters, with newly combed hair. He continued to mind his own business, getting into the tiny little kitchen area to make some quick food.   
"Would you like eggs for breakfast, Alfred?" He called over softly, whilst fiddling in the little refrigerator.   
"Sounds great to me, sugar!" Was the reply from Alfred now in the bathroom, busy fixing his hair.   
He came through just as Kiku had started frying them, and he strode up behind him, his arms latching gently around Kiku's torso. He let his head bow to rest just slightly on Kiku's shoulders, and inhaled softly, having been at peace these past few days more than he had in years. Kiku smelled really good. It was becoming a very comforting smell, and Alfred could feel his heartbeat relax as he pressed his body against Kiku's and inhaled slowly.   
Kiku was enjoying this slow, gentle morning contact immensely. He certainly preferred this sort of thing, where nothing had to be particularly special, or exciting, but rather where he could simply exist alongside someone. As he let the eggs fry and quietly listened to Alfred breathe, Kiku began to believe he'd found something immensely special in this moment. This was the sort of thing that he would take to heart, and remember for as long as he'd remember anything at all.   
"You are very cute." He spoke quietly, but with sincerity, the skin of his cheeks a dim hint of rose.   
"You really think so?" Alfred muttered, letting his iron walls of confidence slip for just a second. After all it.. would be nice to have Kiku's reassurance, he thought.   
Kiku laughed a little - a soft, airy laugh that was just barely audible even when stood right next to him - but it was there.   
"Of course I think so." He responded, continuing to tend to the food, as Alfred's warmth kept him comfortable even on a dreary morning such as this. "Please stay again, later I mean."  
Alfred laughed too, his laugh quite a bit louder and bolder.   
"That'd make it the fourth night in a row, Keeks."  
"So? I would like you to stay. Or if you wanted I could always come home with you..."  
Alfred grinned.   
"We'll see, either way I get the feeling we're gonna end up together."   
"And I would be quite happy about that."  
"Yeah, me too."

"What do you have this morning? I got gym." Alfred spoke sloppily with his mouth full, downing his breakfast as if he was an animal that hadn't eaten in weeks.   
"I don't have any classes this morning." Replied Kiku, who chose to swallow before speaking.   
"What're you doing up then? I'd still be in bed."  
"Well, I do have classes this afternoon, and I wanted to go shopping for some things. Also, is there really any point in staying in bed alone, when I'd rather eat breakfast with you?"   
"Y'know somehow," Alfred smiled, setting his empty plate down. "Sometimes you talk like a poet or something, Keeks. In your own way, at least."   
Kiku simply continued finishing up his food, as Alfred checked all his kit was in his bag for later. The other man finished his meal, and courteosly took both plates to the sink, where they were swiftly washed and put away.   
Alfred waited at the door for Kiku, happy to just stand and watch him. As Kiku finally came over, he put an arm around him, and affectionately walked him down the hallway.   
At the bus stop, they would have to split - after all, Alfred had gym and Kiku was busy doing his own things. They stayed together though, at least until Alfred's bus came, and stood close, keeping each other warm in the coldness of the outside world.   
They talked.   
About almost anything. As always.   
There was just something... Natural.  
But soon enough, the bus was just appearing over the hill.  
"Thank you for this weekend." Kiku said, wanting to get it out before the bus arrived. "I think it's some of the most fun I've had... Ever."  
"Nah. Thank _you_, Keeks. I'll see you later, okay? Let's just.. keep on having fun together!!! I love you, kitty boy."  
"A.. kiss goodbye, then?" Kiku asked softly, that hint of shyness still residing in his tone.   
"C'mere." Replied Alfred as he put his arms around Kiku's back and leaned down as Kiku reached up.   
Their lips met somewhere in the middle, and despite how it was freezing, despite how the wind blew and swept, everything between the two of them was warm. 

At lunchtime, Alfred went to sit with his usual crowd. Gilbert and Mathias were already there, chatting amongst themselves, and a few other people sat round just to be part of the conversation. Of course, there was still space left for Alfred.   
He went and got himself sat down, greeted by everyone as always, and he opened his soda bottle as everyone started talking to him.   
"Gil just told me you were at like, peak performance in gym this morning, Al!" Mathias spoke excitedly. "Did you beat any of your records?"   
"Nah, I don't think so. I was jus' in a good mood, bro."   
Mathias grinned.   
"We can go practice together later, all of us. See if you can beat me."  
"I'd say you're on, Matt, but I might be busy later." 

Kiku excitedly made his way onto campus, dressed in his usual dark attire and having done his shopping for the morning. His schoolbag on his back, he also carried a small bag in front of him - something that he had put quite a bit of thought and care into. 

Alfred continued talking, and was almost caught off guard when - what was his name? Gilbert's brother's boyfriend's brother -   
"Ah shit, it's Lovino." Gilbert joked, turning slightly just as Lovino approached.   
The Italian didn't really smile or speak, but as he stopped in front, he put his tanned hand in Gilbert's hair and pulled his head back to kiss him, making quite the public display of it. A couple of the people at the table cooed and giggled, Mathias mouthed 'Ew', and Alfred just chuckled. Once Lovino pulled away, he muttered something quietly to Gilbert, and then strode off without another word.   
"Wow, what a smiley, positive guy." Alfred teased, trying not to laugh as a somewhat flushed Gilbert went back to trying to eat his potato wedges.   
"Yeah, that's him in a _good_ mood." Replied Gil, whose mouth was already full.   
"Hey, hey Alfred," said one of the girls who was sat around. She reached for Alfred's hand, causing him to panic a little. "Are you free later? Want to come out with me?"   
"Nah, sorry," he replied, pulling his hand away. "I got plans for tonight." 

Kiku hurried his way to the cafeteria. He hoped Alfred would be there. He usually was, at this time of day, or at least Kiku thought so. He was certainly more than excited to give him a gift. Kiku wondered if maybe coming to see him at lunch was too clingy, but he didn't have to stay... He just wanted Alfred to have this. 

"Wait, plans with who?" Mathias piped up.   
Alfred swallowed.   
"Kiku."  
"What? No way! You've been after him for like, three weeks and you're tellin' me you haven't got him in bed yet?" 

Kiku pushed open the door of the cafeteria and looked around best he could. Ah, There! Alfred was sitting with his back to him, but he could clearly see Mathias and Gilbert on the opposite side of the table. He begun calmly making his way over. 

"Well I have, several times actually." Alfred said, even though he knew it was wrong to say things about Kiku that would be considered private.  
"Then what are you still with him for?"  
He swallowed hard as people around him started talking and in just a couple of seconds his mind started racing.   
He didn't want to throw away the reputation that he'd worked so hard to get, and yet at the same time he had genuinely fallen in love over the past few weeks. Would people.. bully him again? Would he go back to being the loser kid...? Alfred didn't want that. He didn't know if he could bare it again.   
It'd be okay, right? Kiku wouldn't know. He put on a painfully fake grin that he'd almost forgotten used to be his everyday look.   
"Dunno." He lied. "He's a good fuck."  
Some of the people at the table laughed - and Alfred.. couldn't stop himself.  
"Alfred." Gilbert hissed.   
Alfred ignored him and kept talking. It was fine. He'd just tell Gilbert that Kiku didn't have to know. For now, he'd protect his social status, and carry on loving Kiku.   
Every single nerve in his body screamed at him to shut up.   
He was saying the worst things, and he knew he was.   
None of it was true.  
He was just trying to protect the title of King that he'd worked so hard to get up to.   
Was it worth this?   
Alfred kept on blocking these thoughts out.   
It felt wrong. It felt so, so wrong and he felt a physical pain in his heart.   
But he just.. couldn't stop.   
"_Alfred_." Gilbert said again, more urgently this time.   
Alfred ignored him again. 

"Yeah, he was a virgin and everything." Alfred wanted to shut up so badly. Times like this, he wished he couldn't speak. "That bitch really thinks I love him!"  
And that was the kicker.  
Alfred felt like he was going to throw up just saying it. 

"**_Alfred_**!" Gilbert practically slammed his fingers down on the table, desperately trying to get his attention.   
"What?!" Alfred snapped.   
Gilbert gritted his teeth.   
"Turn. _Around_." 

And that's when time seemed to stop for Alfred.   
The same nerves that were screaming at him a second ago felt like they turned to jelly.   
Alfred didn't want to turn around.   
His chest hurt and eyes stung and he hadn't even looked yet.   
He just already _knew_.   
So shakily, he turned around, and, lo and behold.   
"Keeks, hey." He almost stammered, getting out of his seat.   
He felt like his legs were going to collapse. Everyone on the surrounding cafeteria tables went silent.  
Kiku just stood there. His eyes were wide, his mouth slightly open, his face a picture of utter disbelief.

"Keeks, where ya been? Aha.."   
Kiku just silently shook his head before he finally spoke, his face changing completely.   
"It's Kiku."  
Alfred swallowed again. This wasn't good. This was in fact, horrendous. The Kiku that stared at him now seemed to be wiped of all emotion. There was nothing in his cold eyes anymore. Not even the pain that had been there just a few moments ago.  
He was like ice.  
Alfred had gotten to know Kiku though, and he knew it wasn't gone. It was just hidden. Kiku made sure there was no way that anyone could see inside his head.   
Alfred had almost forgotten about this version of Kiku.

"Um, Kiku.. I..."   
"_Why_?"   
Alfred just stared at him, fighting back tears already.   
He knew what was going to happen here.   
"Listen, please believe me, I-"  
"You think that I should believe you?"  
"I-"  
"I already did believe you."  
"Kiku-"  
"You're a very good liar, Mr. Jones."  
Silence.  
"An exceptional liar. I truly did believe you loved me."

Quite a long silence followed this. Alfred was crumbling inside.   
He didn't know what to do, or say.  
Suddenly, the reputation, the social status he'd been so worried about, didn't matter anymore.   
How could he not have realised how insignificant it was, compared to Kiku..?   
Kiku had been holding a bag this entire time. He thrust it at Alfred, prompting him to take it.   
"I already bought this for you, so you might as well have it."   
Alfred took it, but he didn't look inside just yet. There were more important things.   
"Kiku, listen, we can just talk about this-"  
"I think I have listened to enough, don't you? We will not be talking again."   
Kiku turned to leave, but not without one last glance at Alfred, and in that second that he looked, Alfred saw something that utterly tore him apart.   
For just a fraction of a second, Alfred could see behind Kiku's iron walls. For that tiny, tiny moment, Alfred saw _heartbreak_ in his eyes, and it was a sight that didn't leave his mind. 

  
"Goodbye, Mr. Jones." Kiku said, proceeding to walk away, his head down, heading for the door.   
Alfred was frozen on the spot. He couldn't do anything for a moment. He felt a tear spill. It was hot. He didn't think about it. His body unfroze, and he launched himself at Kiku.   
He threw his arms around him, praying.   
"_Please_-" he croaked.   
He didn't get to finish.   
"Don't touch me." Snapped Kiku, pushing him hard and going as far as to raise is voice slightly.   
Alfred stumbled back, in complete and utter shock.   
Kiku said nothing, and turned to leave, exiting fully this time. Alfred saw Abel and Heracles go running after him, and he soon felt Gilbert's hand on his shoulder. 

None of it mattered. 

It was later, when Alfred got home that he opened the gift.   
Oh, how painful.   
He lifted it out gently, his entire body aching, his eyes beginning to truly tear up.   
It was a stuffed toy, similar to that of the bear from the carnival. 

A little black cat, with a pink ribbon.

A heart drawn on the tag, alongside some writing.

"I love you." It read. 


	12. The Man Who Had Everything.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hurt. 
> 
> It really hurt.

On that same Monday night, Kiku laid on his bed, clutching one of his many cat plushies. Holding it to his chest, he softly wept into it, the tabby fluff catching his tears. He had that cute, golden bear on his bed too, but he couldn't look at it.  
This was the aftermath of earlier - the last little bits of crying that were just fading out. Earlier in the night, Kiku had sobbed hard into his pillow, his face contorted, the force of his cries far greater than he'd dealt with in quite a long time.  
Now, laid under his fleecy blanket, with his cat plush for company, droplets of hurt quietly cascaded down his cheeks as he wondered what he did wrong. He _must_ have done something wrong, he'd thought, because why would Alfred say such horrible things about him otherwise?   
Was he really nothing more than just a bitch to Alfred? Was that what he'd been the entire time? Just a good fuck? A _whore_..?  
Kiku hiccuped a little into the plushie, feeling utterly used. To think that Alfred had not only kept up the act for long enough to gain Kiku's trust, but that he'd even continued to keep it up, hoping to use him again. Kiku almost wished he didn't know. He wished he didn't find out, so that even if Alfred's intentions were to simply have his body, Kiku would've still been oblivious - he'd have still felt loved and cared for, and Alfred would be right next to him tonight.   
Getting caught up in his fantasies, Kiku imagined being curled up under Alfred's big strong arm, breathing in his scent, being protected from the cold and the bad.   
Then, he remembered that Alfred didn't care about him at all.  
He remembered that what he saw as wonderful, safe and loving moments, Alfred probably saw as an inconvenience.   
Kiku let out a small choked sob, curling up smaller under the blanket, becoming as tiny as he could.   
He just wanted to hide from it.

Not only that, but how foolish he'd been to still give Alfred that gift, too. The note that came with it... Kiku had written it so sincerely, and he meant it with everything he had, but... He felt like an idiot. Alfred and his friends would probably be laughing at it right now.   
"_That bitch really thinks I love him."_ Echoed in Kiku's head. He did. He really did think Alfred loved him. Cuddling the plushie as tightly as he could, Kiku almost broke down all over again. He had to distract himself and he knew it, but if he got his phone out, he knew he'd have to deal with the worried messages from his friends. Despite knowing they meant well, at this very moment Kiku felt as if he couldn't deal with anything. 

Reluctantly, he reached out of the covers, and pulled out his phone anyway. Maybe he could watch some funny cats - that'd make him feel a little better.  
Kiku sniffled with instant regret though, when he saw the amount of missed calls and desperate text messages. From Alfred, that was.   
He didn't want to read them, but he couldn't stay away from them. Kiku's eyes began filling up all over again as he scrolled through the several pleading messages.   
It was hurting him so badly. Alfred had already wounded him and now it was as if he was pouring salt into it. Kiku knew, that what he'd said at lunchtime was the truth. If it wasn't, then he wouldn't have said it when he thought Kiku couldn't hear him. All this begging for Kiku's forgiveness just made it feel worse, because he knew that Alfred didn't actually care. He just wanted to see if he could get away with another "good fuck". Kiku felt stupid and ridiculed, but not _that_ stupid. 

Alfred's hands begun to shake when his phone made a noise. He wiped his eyes and picked it up, only to be greeted by a very cold sounding message.   
A simple, "Delete my number."   
Alfred sighed and left it. He wasn't getting there with this. Clearly he'd hurt Kiku and to what degree he wasn't sure, but this was really, _really_ bad. Now he just had to figure out how to show him that he didn't mean it.   
Because he hadn't. He really, really didn't mean any of it. He wanted to show off, and he paid the price for it.   
Alfred shoved his phone under some papers in sheer frustration. He didn't want to know anymore. 

Right now he knew he was the biggest idiot in the world. 

Right now, Alfred begun to question everything. What actually mattered to him? Why had he thrown Kiku away for... Nothing?   
Because that's what it was. When it came to it, what everyone at college thought of him was ultimately nothing. He didn't care about most of those people, so why did he care so much about what their opinion of him was. Furthermore, why did he want them to think he was a monster? If Kiku loved him as he was, then why did anyone else's opinions matter?   
Alfred swallowed hard. Because, he had. Kiku had loved him as he was. Kiku Honda, such a reserved, gentle, mysterious and captivating person had loved goofy, insecure Alfred just as he was. Alfred wanted to start crying all over again. He'd thrown that away, and it really was all his fault.   
He flopped onto the bed and grabbed hold of the cat plushie, bringing it into his chest. Tightly holding on, he caressed and gently pet it, wishing it was Kiku instead. It's fur was soft, but Kiku's silken hair would be softer. Kiku would be warm, and would quietly curl up in his arms and that was all that Alfred wanted right now. He breathed into the plush a little - catching Kiku's scent on it, and every last cell in Alfred's body begun terribly aching with longing and regret.   
He wanted Kiku, and nothing more.

Kiku caught a glimpse of the teddy bear. He swallowed, teary eyed, and couldn't help but grab it and pull it towards him. At this same time, Alfred still looked down longingly at the little black cat.

"Why did you hurt me?" Kiku asked, pressing his face into the fluffy golden fur. 

"I didn't mean to." Alfred said, staring into it's shiny plastic eyes and wishing they were Kiku's instead.

It _hurt_. 

Tuesday morning. Alfred was a nervous wreck, but he wasn't about to let it show. If anything, the only thing that signalled something was off was the way that he had begun to act a little nonchalant. This was something extremely out of character for him - Alfred was a man of intense emotion - to simply look as if he didn't care was both drawing attention and scaring people off. However, thinking about Kiku, Alfred hadn't even noticed. He couldn't help it, after all he knew he would run into Kiku at some point today, and this worried him immensely. He couldn't predict what would happen, but before any of all that, he wasn't sure he could even look at Kiku right now.  
Ashamed, he headed to gym class, hoping that a workout would clear his head.

He hid away when lunch came around. Knowing that people would ask questions, trying to get gossip out of him, harassing him... Alfred didn't feel like he could face dealing with everyone today. Instead, he just headed back to the gym, and remained there until the end of lunch. Gilbert had messaged him at some point, asking where he was - but the message simply went ignored as Alfred practiced his technique, the sound of the football echoing across the hall as he repeatedly threw it at the wall and bounced it back to himself.   
Every so often he would miss; the object skimmed his hands and hit the floor with a spring. Each time he scowled and picked it up to try again, but right now his focus wasn't on the ball.   
On one occasion of such, the ball didn't even come near him, and flew off into the distance somewhere. 

"That was fucking shit." 

Alfred spun around to be met with Gilbert, who stood in the corner. Alfred grimaced at him before going to retrieve the ball. 

"I knew you'd be here, sucker." He continued, grinning coyly at his clearly annoyed friend. "This is hitting you harder than the time I hit your balls with a baseball bat, isn't it?" 

Alfred snorted and had to almost laugh a little.

"Holy fucking shit," He replied, coming over at last, "I thought we agreed to never talk about that shit again." 

"Good job I'm not here to talk about that then, right?" 

Alfred stopped smiling and sighed a little instead. 

"I know I fucked up." He said, subconsciously twirling the ball a little in his hands.  
"Whatcha going to do about it?"   
"I don't know, Gil, I-"  
"Was it true what you said? Or was it true what you said to me in private?"  
"The latter, but-"  
"Then there you fuckin go, you love Kiku, you know what to do."  
Alfred paused.   
"Gilbert, it's just that like, I dunno, it feels like it's not about me anymore." He stopped to inhale for a second. "It's like, I fucked up so badly, that now it's way more about what Kiku wants, and I wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to see my stupid ass again."  
"Yeah, good point, but listen. We'll get him back, 'kay?"   
With that, Gilbert spun on his heel and began to leave, casually lifting his hands to the back of his head.   
"Gil, I really just wanna know,"  
"What's up, bat-balls?"  
"Why are you all over this? Normally you'd just move me onto the next one."  
"Cause I know how much you like him, idiot. I'm your best pal, I know when your behaviour changes, and my God, it did. See ya, Al."  
"Yeah.. see ya."

That same lunchtime, Kiku sat in the cafeteria with Heracles and Abel.   
Nobody talked.   
They had... Tried to, but it was too awkward. There was a certain tension in the air and Kiku had looked as if he was on the verge of tears all day.   
He didn't want to be here. He'd contemplated not coming to school, but he hadn't wanted to draw any more attention, or worry anyone - or ruin his perfect attendance either.   
Now, however, it was beginning to become clear that perhaps this would've been a better idea. He looked tired, like he'd barely slept, and he suddenly seemed so sensitive and teary that the other two didn't dare say anything risky - or anything at all. It didn't help that some mean girl had called him a 'slut' on the way in this morning, only worsening his overall mood.   
Usually, he could quite coldly stand up to such miniscule insults, but right now...   
The strength was not there, and Kiku wished he could go back in time and reverse everything. _All of it. _  
Right now, he was particularly on edge because he knew he had a shared class with Alfred next, and this was heightening his already severe anxiety on the subject. He didn't want to face Alfred. He was even somewhat afraid now. What if Alfred kept on begging him or trying to get his attention? Kiku knew he wouldn't last for long like that. He couldn't bare it.   
He didn't even notice a group of people coming to sit down at the same table - not until they spoke. 

"Aren't you the guy that snapped in here yesterday?"  
"Pretty sure it is, he had a whole ass fit of rage."  
"That's you, right?"   
Kiku didn't answer.   
"Hey, you know it's rude to ignore people right? Was that you?"   
"It was, he just doesn't want to admit it."   
Heracles and Abel watched like hawks.  
"Isn't it true that it was all because you got called out?"   
"For being a slut, right?"   
That was the point when Abel spun round to face them.   
"Leave him alone." Was all he said.  
"Why?"  
"Because I fucking said so."  
The group stared for a moment, before they realised he was serious, and ran off laughing between themselves.   
Abel turned back round to a dull-eyed Kiku who didn't seem to be enjoying himself very much.   
In reality, he was trying his very best not to cry - but holding it in was proving difficult.   
"They're gone, Kiku." Heracles spoke up.   
"I know." He responded.

It was quiet again for moment.  
"I didn't ... _do_ anything." Kiku spoke weakly, "I didn't _mean_ to do anything wrong.."  
"You didn't." Replied Heracles.   
"It feels like I've done something terrible."   
"You haven't."  
Kiku looked up for a moment, displaying an incredibly defeated expression, before he continued to silently finish his dinner. 

The bell went, and everyone began heading to class - Kiku with much dread.   
He got there before most others and sat down at his desk, getting his books out ready.   
He didn't acknowledge Alfred walking past him. He didn't flinch, or look, or even blink. He just carried on what he was doing as if nothing had ever happened in the first place.   
Alfred had glanced at him and now, sat across the classroom, wistfully staring at him whenever he could. He wished he could see what was going on inside Kiku's head. He looked fine from the outside, but there was no way in hell he would be fine. Not after yesterday. 

It got about halfway through the class, which Alfred hadn't paid attention to in the slightest, when he realised that something was going on. When he looked and listened a little more intently, it became clear that the two girls sitting behind Kiku were tormenting him. The big, equally nasty jock sat in front didn't seem to be helping the matter either, occasionally chiming in with some remark.   
Alfred hated this. Sat at the other side of the room, there wasn't much he could do to help.   
He _hated_ this.  
At the end of class, he watched Kiku pack up his things as fast as possible and speed off, effectively just running away. He didn't blame him.   
Alfred approached the offenders, slinging his bag over his shoulder, standing like he meant business. 

"What the hell was that for?" He asked them.   
"You know what happened, you were there."   
"Listen, you leave him the fuck alone."

Alfred meant it, and he stormed off. 

If he saw it happening again, there'd be trouble. He wasn't going to sit here and watch Kiku get bullied. Next time, he'd make sure there was hell to pay. 


	13. The Man who had Nothing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't recognise himself in the mirror.
> 
> He hadn't done for a while.

Around Twenty-Four hours later, it was time for that same class.   
Wednesday.   
Alfred hadn't had as painful a night as Monday night or last night, but it had still been awful. He'd kept himself away from his phone even though he was dying to text and check if Kiku was okay.   
That "delete my number" text spoke for itself though, and Kiku very obviously wanted to be left alone.   
It was proving difficult though, and Alfred just wished he could take everything back.   
Today he'd gotten to class a little late, and people were simply chattering amongst themselves as usual. Alfred took his warning for lateness, and proceeded to sit at his usual spot. He glanced over, and it looked like Kiku wasn't there.  
Unusual.   
The tutor placed his book on the desk anyway, and Alfred watched intently as the group that sat around Kiku leaned over it a bit. He contemplated yelling out to them to see what they were doing, but they sat back again after a few seconds.   
That's when Kiku came in, and Alfred didn't have a chance to react.   
Kiku stopped still in front of his desk, stared for a few seconds, and then slowly proceeded to take off his bag and sit down. He sat with his head hung, and the people behind snickered a little. Something wasn't right, but Alfred couldn't see what had happened at all. Instead, he just stared coldly at that group. They saw, but they didn't seem to care so much - except that for the rest of the lesson, they seemed to leave Kiku alone. 

Class seemed to take hours. Alfred couldn't help but keep on glancing over, but Kiku didn't so much as look even remotely his way. He kept his head down, shoulders up, bangs falling over his face so he couldn't be seen. It was hard to tell if you didn't know him, but the way he was acting now - trying to hide himself, meant he was distressed. Alfred's heart sank, but ultimately there was nothing he could do at this moment in time. So he waited it out, brainstorming ways he could potentially impress Kiku enough to at least strike up a conversation with him... Or something... Or was impressing him not the way to go about this? Probably not. He wanted to properly apologise in person, but just talking to Kiku in the first place was the hardest part about it. 

He didn't realise class had finished until everyone started to pack away their books and leave. He'd been deep in thought, and usually, Alfred would just watch the clock. He glanced over to where Kiku would sit - but he was already gone. That was weird as hell, thought Alfred, for him to be able to pack up and run off so quickly. At the same time, he didn't blame him. Maybe he _had_ noticed Alfred looking. Maybe he'd run away to avoid him..? Alfred decided it was likely. That was until Alfred too began to leave, and in doing so, walked past Kiku's desk. He happened to glimpse down at it - and stopped dead. He stared. So that's what they'd done. Now he got it. Why Kiku looked so upset the entire time. Written on the desk, was one word.   
_Slut_.  
**_Slut?_**  
How fucking _dare they_. How dare they?!   
The teacher noticed, and approached Alfred to ask what he was staring at before she too realised.  
"Oh dear," she muttered. "Do you know who did that? I'll have to report it."  
Alfred could feel pure rage boiling within him. Why Kiku..? Out of all people? In fact, he did know why. It was because they saw Kiku as a vulnerable target - he was a gentle soul in a small body and those were two things that people could use against him. He didn't deserve it, but that didn't mean they wouldn't do it. That was it. _That was it._  
"Oh I know who did that alright." Growled Alfred. He stormed out of the room, determined to find those people, leaving a now somewhat panicked teacher behind him. 

Alfred didn't have to search for long. He heard it first, and seething, he marched around the corner of the corridor to be met with his worst fears confirmed.   
How could they.   
Around three of the people - two girls and that guy - from class had Kiku backed into a corner. They weren't touching him, but clearly they were mocking and tormenting him. Kiku kept his head low, staring at the floor as they talked in his face. He didn't say a thing.   
Alfred didn't take in the situation for too long. His anger got the better of him. It felt like he was burning up at the core - about to completely explode from the pressure of the heat. He didn't even think about it when he lunged for one of them. With enough force to terrify anyone in the vicinity, he swung forward, grabbing the man's jacket and slamming him backwards into the lockers. This man was much bigger than him, but Alfred had incredible strength and unstoppable will. He began to yell, his youthful spark completely controlling his actions. He'd never, ever sit back and let anything happen to Kiku like this. This sent the girls running away as he screamed into the guy's face, his voice deafening and full of aggression.   
"What the fucking hell is _wrong_ with you?!" He slammed this guy further into the lockers, the metallic clash seeming almost quiet compared to the yelling. "What has he done to you?! He doesn't deserve it, you fucking listening to me?!"   
Alfred shook him one more time before he forcefully let go, swinging him aside a little. The rage was starting to wear off, and Alfred was coming down a little. He staggered backwards, panting. There was blood dripping from his nose. Had he been hit? When? All of a sudden, Alfred could barely remember anything that just happened - except he remembered what sparked it in the first place. Kiku.   
He spun around, still a little dazed, but Kiku was there.   
"Kiku, are you okay?!" Alfred asked, his voice softening as much as possible at an instant.   
Kiku flinched, backing away. His knees were trembling. He didn't speak. He was terrified.   
Alfred stopped. He couldn't figure it out. What frightened him so much? He'd just saved him... Still, he didn't come any closer. Upsetting Kiku was the last thing he wanted to do. If he could just talk...   
"Did they hurt you? Or-"  
Alfred didn't get to finish his sentence, getting grabbed all of a sudden. He yelped and went to swing for whoever had a hold of him, but quickly realised it was not one, but two teachers, and resorted to struggling instead.   
"Let go- let fucking go of me!" He protested, his voice panicked and desperate. Swiftly looking around, he noted there was another teacher running outside, presumably to get that other guy; another teacher stood with Kiku, him and the teacher facing away from Alfred.   
The two teachers holding Alfred had to drag him, repeatedly stating that he needed to come with them. He struggled and fought them best he could, but it was two against one, and there wasn't much he could do.   
He could hear them speaking over their microphones to other staff members.   
"Yes, three boys and potentially two girls involved in an incident. We've got two of the boys, and someone's looking for the other."  
Alfred continued to struggle as they did their best to keep him calm. He just wanted to get to Kiku, who was currently being walked away in the other direction.   
"That's right, two of them injured, the other one is seemingly unharmed but he's panicked. Crying a lot."   
Alfred suddenly stopped struggling, more with the shock than anything else.   
_Crying_. Had Kiku been crying too?   
Alfred's head was a mess.   
He let himself be taken to the office. 

  
"So would you mind telling me what on Earth you were thinking, Mr Jones?" One of the teachers asked in a calm yet condescending manner.   
Alfred sat on the stool, his nose having been patched up quickly. He looked raggedy though, a little beat up, but more than anything, just drained and defeated.   
"I was trying to protect him." He mumbled, sniffling and pushing his glasses whilst he avoided eye contact.   
"Who?"   
"Kiku."  
"And you thought the best way to go about that was attacking someone else?"  
"I was _protecting _Kiku! They were _bullying_ him!" 

"Then you should report it. This incident will have serious consequences for the both of you boys. Mr Honda on the other hand will get away this time. It seems he's the real victim in this situation."  
Alfred nodded weakly.   
The clock on the plain white walls ticked away in an annoying, monotonous and constant noise. Even the potted plant in the corner was worth more attention than this stupid chatter. Alfred wanted to leave. They just didn't understand.  
"How did he get involved with you rough boys? He's so quiet and such a good student. What exactly happened?"   
Alfred didn't want to talk about it. It'd only been two days.   
"Me and Kiku fell out, but it was my fault and people are taking it out on him and it's not fair and I'm just trying to _help_-"  
"You can slow down there Mr Jones. Fell out you say? You two don't seem like you'd be the best of friends."  
"Little more than that."  
"Ah, I see. Why do you think people are taking this out on him?"  
"I don't know! I'll fucking kill the next person that-"  
The teacher raised an eyebrow.  
"I'm sorry, look, I obviously won't do that. I just... I want them to stop bullying Kiku over something that's my fault!"   
"Well it seems you care about this quite a bit, Mr Jones, but please let the school handle it. You'll be punished but take this as a light warning. Next time the consequences will be very, very serious." 

  
Alfred dropped his bag on the floor as he trudged into his little apartment. He let the door shut behind him and he just stood there. It was dark, and he slowly reached to turn the light on. He couldn't think about anything. His head was too loud and too quiet all at the same time. Alfred didn't know what to do.   
It was around nine at night. Alfred had made the decision to stay out, hoping it'd clear his head.  
It didn't help. If anything, he just felt more foggy.  
He wanted to go to bed, and just sleep and forget about everything, so that's what he decided to do.   
In the bathroom, Alfred saw himself in the mirror. He stopped and stared.   
Who the _hell_ was that?   
That wasn't Alfred staring back at him anymore. That was a monster of sorts. A violent, lying, repulsive monster. Kiku had been scared of him. Scared _because_ of him. Because he'd been stupid and acted on impulse as always, Alfred had seen a fearful looking Kiku, and it wasn't something he'd ever wanted to see.   
He should've left Kiku alone from day one.  
If he hadn't spoken to him, none of this would've happened. Kiku would be happy right now and Alfred would probably be drinking with his friends. None of this past week would've happened - but because he was a coward, afraid of himself and afraid of love, now he was here.  
He too, was terrified.   
Not of anyone else. Just of himself.  
Of what he'd become as he'd garnered this so called king-of-the-school reputation for himself. He wanted to go back to being chubby, nerdy, unpopular little Alfred who had big dreams and a ton of hope. He wished he'd never gotten here.  
Alfred put his hands to his face and felt the shape of himself.   
He didn't even feel real anymore. Nothing felt real right now.   
He was silent, but wide eyed, and he breathed heavily, his face beginning to contort as thoughts swarmed him.   
Taking his finger away, he looked at it and was greeted with a smear of skin toned make-up.   
Alfred swallowed hard.   
Tears began to roll down his face.   
_Fake_. He was all fake.   
Everything was fake and nothing mattered and Alfred began to cry.  
He stared into the mirror, tears dripping off him, his shoulders trembling and his face an ugly display of emotion. He leaned right in, almost pressing himself against the reflection, gritting his teeth and holding back as much agony as he possibly could anymore.   
He spoke to his refection in the mirror, his voice cracking, wobbling.   
"I fucking hate you." He told the boy who stared back at him. "Nobody will ever fucking love you, either."  
Alfred let out a sob and leaned back, watching his reflection sob with him. The glasses had to come off.  
Setting them aside, Alfred turned on the tap. The water gushed and splattered, and Alfred cupped in his hands before splashing it onto his face. Several times. He rubbed harshy at the same time.   
The water was freezing and the rubbing didn't do his busted nose any good, but Alfred didn't care.   
He could barely even breathe, and had to gasp for air as he turned the tap off. Shakily, he dared to look up at himself in the mirror.   
Alfred snapped.   
He brought his trembling hands to his face and backed away.   
He didn't even recognise it.   
He didn't know who he was looking at anymore, because he didn't know who he was anymore.   
The blemishes, the dark under-eyes, his sore lips and acne covered cheeks were all there. Alfred had gotten so used to the made up, perfect and polished version of himself, that he'd forgotten the real him - and this didn't only apply to the way he looked.   
He hadn't properly stared at this version of himself in a long time.  
Alfred sobbed violently, now leaning on the sink for support, hunched over with his head hanging down as he shook and cried at an intensity he wasn't sure he'd experienced before. Everything was too much. It was all too much.   
He couldn't even breathe anymore - again. He slumped down against the wall, panting for any air he could get, finally beginning to calm a little.   
He thought back to the weekend. He imagined wonderful, perfect, kind Kiku and he sniffled to himself.   
It wasn't that he even wanted Kiku anymore - at least not right now. No, Kiku was better off without him, but it was just the fact that he'd tortured something so pure and good in nature that he despised himself for.   
He hadn't meant to. He really hadn't meant to.   
All this, from one lie to a few friends..? It wasn't worth it.   
Alfred just wanted Kiku to be okay.

  
Kiku sat on his bed, cuddling the teddy bear. He wished Alfred was here. 


	14. The lengths a broken heart would go to.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was terrified, alone, in the middle of the night and in the pouring rain. He yearned to be held in someone's loving arms.
> 
> A small action can lead to greater consequences.

Kiku hadn't been to college today. Or the day before, or the day before that. It was a Thursday, but Kiku had been off for a week. Last Wednesday pushed him over the edge, and multiple panic attacks and episodes of insomnia later, Kiku found that by at least staying away from school he was slowly healing.  
He'd planned on staying home again, like he had for the past week, but something inside him wanted to take off and do something different altogether.   
Of course he was nervous exploring the town like this alone, because to Kiku, home was the only place ever safe. His anxiety often meant for him that impulsive ventures such as this only ended in more panic, but Kiku didn't care anymore. He'd spent the past three days feeling rock bottom; surely it couldn't be worse.

He'd visited the town centre, sat in a café by himself and treated himself to a little hot chocolate. He'd been rather relaxed, and it made a nice change to how frantic he had recently been feeling.   
The past few days had been hell on earth for Kiku. It was as if he just couldn't catch a break, and whilst he, a full attendance student, felt awful for skipping school for so many days, he'd rather die than go and be faced with what was there. He knew he'd be in trouble when he eventually went back, but he decided he'd deal with it then. That was a problem for the future - for now he'd just concentrate on forgetting about everything.   
With both hands on the cup, he took another gentle sip, careful to make sure it wasn't too hot, and enjoyed the sweet hot drink. Meanwhile, he had been doodling on the napkin, a few little animals here and there. Kiku thought about how much he'd like to own a really, really fluffy cat one day. Something like a ragdoll, or a maine coon. Also, plenty of bunnies; both big and small ones with cute little floppy ears. Kiku smiled a little and then his mind wandered off to think about tiny little hamsters too.  
It was quite tranquil really, and Kiku lost track of the time soon enough. Before he knew it, he'd spent a couple of hours here. It was beginning to get dark outside, and Kiku decided that he better get going.   
As he stood up and slipped on his coat, Kiku noticed a rather attractive guy of around his age standing up at almost the same time. He pretended not to notice, but this guy approached him rather quickly.   
"Hey," He began, leaning over Kiku a little bit. "You don't happen to be into dudes at all, do you?"   
Kiku was a little taken aback. He'd never really been randomly approached like this - at least not by another guy. In the past, a girl might've nervously asked him out, and he'd had to awkwardly explain that he didn't swing that way. This time, Kiku had something to consider - this guy _was_ attractive and..   
"Well I suppose I do, why do you ask?" Replied Kiku, even though he'd already figured it out. Kiku thought to himself that this was just like when he'd been approached by Alfred - so, having had experience, he knew what to expect.

"Just wondered if you'd like to hang out with me."   
"I don't see why not." 

  
It went well at first, and Kiku didn't see anything that set off any alarms. Of course he was wary - he'd never wandered off with a stranger before but he was feeling adventurous today. Today had been good overall, and Kiku had a good feeling about this. If he felt _really_ good later tonight, then he'd even consider going back to school tomorrow.   
After walking around and getting some cheap fast food together, the guy (who Kiku still hadn't gotten the name of) invited Kiku to his for the night. Having an idea of what that meant, Kiku shyly agreed - but this was a naïve act, for this would be where everything began to go wrong. 

Kiku, not knowing this, was rather comfortable walking into a stranger's house. He politely took off his shoes before he was shown to the bedroom. The entire place was unclean and not looked after. It wasn't messy the way that was acceptable, really. Trash all over accompanied by not exactly the nicest smells set Kiku into alert mode. He ignored it for now.  
Then, he was handed a bottle.   
"What's this?" He asked, reading the label. The bottle was sealed, cap untouched, but something about it seemed off.   
"It's a beer. What do you think it is?"  
"I just wondered. I've never had one before."   
The guy chuckled, though it was soundless, and opened one for himself, beginning to drink immediately. Kiku just stared at the label and put the bottle on the side, leaving it alone.  
"What are you waiting for?"  
"I'm just not comfortable drinking, sorry. I'm nineteen, so... I'm not old enough, either."   
"Oh come on, I was drinking when I was a minor. It's not that big a deal."   
Kiku fidgeted, part of him was nervous and felt like he should just accept it, but the majority of him didn't like this pushiness. "No. I would rather not." He said, as firmly as he meant it.  
"Alright, alright. I didn't mean to corner you or anything."   
Kiku relaxed again, relieved that the guy had acknowledged his behaviour a little. He came and sat down next to Kiku, incredibly close, and Kiku could feel his heart beating in his ears - he didn't know whether it was anticipation, excitement, or nervousness. Probably a combination of all. 

They began kissing, rather sloppily and Kiku didn't really.. feel any sort of butterflies or warmth from it the same way he had with Alfred, but it still felt nice at least, and it made him pretty excited. He could taste the alcohol on the guy's lips, and it was bitter... A taste that Kiku wasn't accustomed to and didn't like very much - still, he ignored it and carried on. After a few minutes of this, Kiku felt himself being undressed. He was fine with this, and had anticipated it from the start. He kind of wished they weren't moving so quickly, but he had come out looking for some sort of thrill, and this was about as thrilling as his little adventure was going to get. 

From the start though, there was.. nothing there, really. He didn't feel anything emotionally. Not like he did with... And to add onto that, it was only now that it had really begun to set in that he was doing this with some complete and utter stranger.   
The more clothing that came off him, the more uncomfortable he got; he began to have a terrible gut feeling that told him he had to run, and Kiku wasn't one to ignore his gut.   
"Stop- Stop, please..." Kiku spoke suddenly, knowing that he couldn't sit here anymore.   
To his relief, the guy did stop, and sat back, staring at him. He didn't ask or check if Kiku was alright. He just sat there as if he was waiting for something.   
Kiku looked around and sort of began grabbing clothing, putting it straight back on. The guy suddenly blurted something out of the blue.  
"Well?"  
"...Excuse me?"  
"Why'd you ask me to stop?"  
"It just... I changed my mind, that's all."   
"Most people don't change their mind. Why don't you just let me-"  
"I _did_ change my mind actually."  
"I'm sure you don't know what you really want."  
At this point, Kiku felt like something was horribly off.   
He needed to get out of here. He didn't even know what time it was, and he wasn't sure of the exact location of this place either.   
"I know what's good for me. I'm sure _you_ don't, however."  
"You know, being so naïve and seemingly innocent, I didn't expect'cha to be able to stand up for yourself."  
"Well, I-"  
He stood up over Kiku, who stumbled backwards a little. This wasn't good. Kiku hated this.  
"Listen, you're a pretty boy. Why don't you just have a drink and at least sleep here with me. That wouldn't hurt, right?"  
The guy smiled at him, a sweet smile to be exact, but something about it was unnerving and Kiku began to truly become fearful for his safety. He had to get out _now_.  
"I'm leaving." He said coldly, putting his coat back on - the last of it. He didn't have time to react before the guy stepped straight towards him, uncomfortably close and towering right over him. Kiku stumbled backwards, trying to get away, but the guy just continued forwards, and soon Kiku found himself pushed up against the wall. His legs began to shake a little, though he stared up at the guy with a firm demeanor.   
"Come on now, you're not going anywhere, beautiful."

That was the breaking point. Kiku, utterly terrified, managed to duck under the guy's arm and make a bolt for it. He ran, and he didn't look back. Straight out the door and onto the street. He didn't know where he was or which way to go, but he didn't care anymore. He just ran. The streets were empty, pitch black and it was freezing, but Kiku thought about none of it. He just kept running, for as long as he could.   
He didn't realise it was raining until he stopped to catch his breath. He'd been running for a good ten minutes, and now, he was certain he hadn't been followed or anything either.   
Kiku scrambled round his pockets, looking for his phone, and breathed a sigh of relief when he found it. He hadn't even checked for that when he left - but he couldn't exactly be blamed for not looking.   
It was one AM.  
Kiku had never been out so late before. He swiped around, looking for his GPS app, and upon opening it discovered that he was around a half-hour walk from home now. Fine. He could do that. Walking for an extra half hour was far better than staying there for the night.   
So he walked.   
He checked behind himself constantly, holding his shivering arms and wishing he hadn't been so stupid.   
He walked, and began to cry, alone in the night on a street he didn't know. He quickly typed out a message to Heracles as he walked, outlining the details. In the message he blamed himself for being stupid. In it he told Heracles not to worry about him, but that he just needed to message someone. He put his phone back in his pocket and continued walking under the cloudy, black sky.  
Kiku Honda cried, wishing that he didn't trust people like that. Even though his outside was cold, the inside of his heart was red hot and pleading to be loved. That's all he wanted.   
Just now, he'd put himself in danger, and he knew it was his own fault. His only experience so far was... Alfred, and with that, he hadn't really expected that this sort of thing could go so awfully wrong.   
At the very least, Kiku thanked a God he didn't even believe in that he had gotten out. Though he was terrified, soaking wet, and out in the cold in the middle of the night, anything was better than having had stayed. He didn't even want to think about how horrible it could have gotten.  
Kiku had only wanted to do something different. He only wanted to be cool and confident and put himself out there and have a good time with someone.   
But... That just wasn't who he was, and Kiku knew that.   
He shouldn't have done it, and he never would again, and Kiku knew that.   
He had just...   
He'd only wanted to feel the way he had when Alfred was with him. 

That's all.

Finally, he made it home, and Kiku locked the door instantly, still frightened that he'd been followed somehow. He shook intensely and collapsed to his knees and sobbed.  
He was so scared.   
He couldn't help but blame himself, even though he had done nothing wrong - it felt almost like he was just proving himself as the _slut_ that everyone at college had decided that he was.   
He continued to cry, his face in his hands as tears fell onto his already wet clothing.  
He didn't want to be a slut or anything like that. He only wanted to be loved. He only wanted to feel warm and safe in someone's arms.   
Was it really so much to ask for?  
Was it... really impossible to get?  
Was... it really... only Alfred who made him feel warm and safe...?

Kiku sobbed harder.


	15. I did, I really did love you.. I promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiku still hasn't returned to school.

Friday.  
Alfred was beyond worried. He had been ever since Monday; when Kiku had been off for those first two days, he could understand why. He was sad that Kiku had been pushed to that point, but he _did_ understand it. Poor, sweet Kiku had been hurt in the first place and then tormented to no end - and Alfred felt it was all his fault. Then however, when Kiku hadn't shown up the following Monday, Alfred had felt sick to the stomach.   
He was terrified that something might have happened to Kiku, and as each day went by where he didn't show, his worry only got worse.   
He'd even texted, begging Kiku just to let him know he was alright, but the simple reply of "Please do not speak to me." Wasn't good enough for Alfred.   
Of course Kiku would say something like that. If he was hurting, then of course he didn't want Alfred to know about it.   
Alfred at least thought he was lucky just to be replied to, but this short-lived conversation had taken place on Tuesday, and it was Friday now.  
Kiku still hadn't returned, and it didn't look like he was showing up today. 

Alfred himself had been having a strange week to say the least. He'd felt a little better than last week, but only because now his head felt slightly clearer and less full of panicked, swarming thoughts. Now it was just the pain he was dealing with. 

Their true romance had only lasted but a mere few days, but they'd sort of been building up to it for weeks prior. Over that time, Alfred had gone from wanting to screw Kiku and nothing else, to realising that maybe, just maybe love was real after all. It took him a while to figure it out at the time, but once it hit him, it had been undeniable. He'd truly fallen in love with Kiku. It wasn't something that had ever happened before, and never since he was a child had Alfred thought that he'd ever get to feel such a thing. It'd been drilled into him. 

And yet, Alfred had seen another side of himself because of Kiku. He'd seen a part of his own soul that had been previously untapped and had lurked in the shadows waiting for something like this. For not only this reason but many, many more, Kiku was too magical to just let go of and forget about. 

Despite whatever it'd take, Alfred decided that he would, at the very least, make certain that Kiku would be okay. He loved Kiku too much not to.  
Except, he didn't really know where to start anymore. It wasn't like Kiku was letting any sort of talking happen, and Alfred wasn't sure how else to get through to him now. He had to keep thinking on it, scrambling his brains for something... anything.   
He _could_ try calling, but that might end in Kiku being angry and upset or something.. or more likely, he just wouldn't pick up.  
He could get someone else to get in touch for him..? But that seemed cheap, and Kiku would probably also feel invaded by such a thing.   
He could always send him a gift..?   
_Ooh_ Alfred thought, _that could be a good idea_.   
Because that way, the gift would still come directly from Alfred, and although Kiku could just reject it, it was still a nice gesture that'd show Kiku he really meant well...   
What sort of gift? Alfred started brainstorming all over again, knowing what Kiku liked, but trying to take it a step further.   
Before he knew it, class was over and Alfred still hadn't thought of something. He waited for people to leave, packing up his stuff quietly as he thought to himself. Maybe he'd ask for Gil's input, or even Mathias'. 

"Hey."

Alfred looked up, the speaking seeming to be in his direction. Sure enough, in a now empty classroom, stood himself, and Heracles.   
"I wanted to talk to you."  
Alfred stood up properly to face him. Out of everyone, he hadn't expected this guy to confront him - but he was prepared and ready to defend himself if things got ugly. 

"What about?" 

Heracles didn't look warm or inviting at all. He never did anyway, but right now he looked particularly cold. He meant business here.

"You know what, or who. Why.. would I have come to talk to you if it wasn't about Kiku? I don't like you."  
"Alright smartass," Alfred snapped back, "I fuckin' get that. What did you really come here to say to me?"

For someone so usually sleepy and somewhat placid, Heracles could certainly bite when he felt like it. At least, that's what Alfred gathered. Whilst Abel was sharp at all times, and sweetheart Kiku on the other hand lacked aggression almost completely, Heracles seemed to balance somewhere in the middle. Right now, he was playing no games. His tone and stance had made that clear from the start - the way he spat words and leaned backwards, arms crossed. It made sense. Alfred was in a position to fight him, just in case. Similarly standing up tall, he watched the Grecian's every move, but Heracles would soon say something that caught him off guard.

"Do you still love him?" He asked.

Alfred felt his mood shift from defensive to completely vulnerable in an instant. He stared at Heracles, a little wide eyed. Of all things, he hadn't expected that. 

"And did you ever?"  
"I-"  
"You'd better tell me the damn truth, too, Alfred. Do you love him?"  
"Of course I do!" Snapped Alfred, his face creasing in desperation a little. "Of course I fucking love him. He's fucking incredible. He's the only person I ever _have_ loved."  
"You mean that? You swear on your own life?"  
"Yeah. I swear on my own life."

Heracles seemed to breathe a sigh of relief and relaxed a little. Alfred on the other hand was still trying to process what just happened.  
He stood there, waiting, watching as Heracles seemed to prepare to say something. He got impatient.  
"What was that all about, huh?"  
"I just needed to make sure, in case you felt like spreading some bullshit again, Alfred."  
"I made a fucking mistake, okay? I regret it so bad, I'd do anything to fucking take that back-"  
"Yeah, I get it."  
"So what the _hell_ did you want?"

Heracles looked a little unimpressed at first, before going to speak.   
"I may need your help."   
"Huh?"  
"Kiku could be getting himself into trouble. I don't want that for him, and I need you to help me out."  
Alfred swallowed, and when he spoke again, his tone had softened. Kiku, in trouble? He didn't like the sound of that.  
"What do you mean by trouble..? Is he okay? Is he hurt? Did something happen to him??"  
Heracles fiddled with his phone.   
"He messaged me late last night, that he'd ran off with a complete stranger, and then said stranger tried to get him drunk so he could take advantage of him... Then he ran away in the middle of the night, right into a rainstorm, and didn't get home until almost two in the morning. He was terrified, Alfred."  
"Holy fucking shit."  
Alfred paused.   
"I-Is he alright, though? He didn't actually get hurt or worse, right? Where is he now?"  
"He's fine, and somehow got out of that situation unharmed, but he was just.. really scared. He's at his apartment, I believe."  
There was a long silence, the only sound the ticking clock. Alfred was horrified. Heracles was preparing himself.   
"If he does that again," the Grecian spoke quietly, "he might not be so lucky next time."  
Alfred's face creased.   
"_Don't_ say that. I don't want to think about it."  
"That's why I need your help."  
"How..?"

Heracles scrolled for a while, before he turned his phone around to show Alfred a text. From Kiku.  
It had been sent at ten minutes to two that morning. The first part of it just outlined what happened. The second part Kiku had explained how frightened he'd been at that moment but then, somewhere within that, he'd written something else. 

_"I think I'm getting delusional now, but I really miss.. you know. He would never have done that to me. I wish he loved me. I don't know what to do."_

Alfred stared.   
"That's you he's talking about."  
"Kiku..."  
"He needs you."  
"I need him too."  
"Then go by his place tonight and talk to him."  
"I can't do that! I'd be totally invading his space and he'd be super mad at me!"  
"He was _never_ mad at you Alfred - you broke his heart."  
Silence, again.   
"If you go see him tonight, he won't turn you down. Kiku's my childhood friend, I know him well. Believe me when I say he wants to see you as much as you want to see him."  
Alfred just nodded, a little stunned by everything that just happened. The events of last night, the fact that Heracles was being nice to him, the idea of talking to Kiku... All of it was almost too much to process.  
"Fuck tonight." Alfred finally said. "I'm going right now."  
"Good luck, I guess."  
"Thanks."

\---

Alfred sat on the bus towards Kiku's place.   
He was nervous. Probably more so than he'd been in a long time, but even more so he was excited. He hoped Heracles was right - he didn't exactly see why he'd lie or anything, so he prayed that Kiku would speak with him once he got there.   
Before catching the bus he'd stopped at a florists, and picked up a bunch of flowers for Kiku. He'd made sure to specifically get ones that he knew Kiku would like.  
Pink ones, just for him. The same kind of camellias, peonies, roses... Anything that Kiku had told him about at the garden that day, that he could get his hands on. He'd kind of spent a considerable amount on them, but he didn't care. He just wanted to give something to Kiku to show that he meant what he was saying. 

It was beginning to get dusky when he got there, and as the sun was setting and the sky turned red, Alfred, flowers held against his chest, anxiously approached the block.   
He walked for what seemed like a while to Kiku's apartment, even if it only took a few minutes, and soon enough, he stood outside Kiku's door. 

Hesitantly, Alfred brought a hand up to the door. He stopped, that hand hovering there. He suddenly had second thoughts. What if Kiku really would be mad at him? What if Kiku truly never wanted to see him again and Heracles had it all wrong?   
Then he remembered the text he'd been shown earlier.   
He knocked. 

Alfred waited a few minutes, but there was complete silence from within the apartment.   
Now he really was unsure what to do. He felt awkward standing there, but he simply knocked again.   
Alfred waited.   
_Now_ he began to worry.   
It seemed like hours were drifting by, and Alfred just stood there, waiting for any sound or movement from inside. The longer it went on, the more worried he became.   
Finally, he knocked once more, this time calling softly for Kiku to open the door.   
At long last, there was a shuffle inside the apartment and the front door clicked. 

Slowly, it opened - not all the way, just enough to see through. Kiku stood there, with a blanket over his head and wrapped around his entire body. He appeared to be wearing his big, fluffy pajamas underneath, accompanied by a pair of little slippers.   
Kiku didn't say anything upon opening the door. He just stood there, looking at Alfred with his big eyes.   
He looked incredibly tired. Dark bags under his eyes, his facial expression was that of distress, and the way he held himself was that of a person who was barely hanging on at the moment. He looked like he was about to pass out at any moment. Alfred broke the silence. 

"Hey, Kiku. I just dropped by because I was worried about you... Um... You were just gone from school for so long and Heracles... Told me about what happened last night."   
Kiku seemed to process it for a moment, not quite looking at Alfred but rather emptily gazing off at the wall behind him.   
"Oh."  
"Yeah, after that I was really really worried about you and I just... I couldn't leave it.. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."  
"Ah."  
"Are you okay, Kiku? You're, uh, kinda acting completely out of it."  
Kiku was quiet again for a few moments.   
"I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm just tired."  
"Please get some rest, Kiku, you ain't doing yourself any good like this..." Alfred paused, before slowly presenting the flowers outward to Kiku. "I- I wanted to make you happy so I got you these."  
Kiku took them, his hands trembling a little. He stared down at them, holding them to his own chest the way that Alfred had held them to his.   
"Thank you..." He spoke quietly, but suddenly with a little more interest. "You... remembered what my favourite ones were."  
Alfred nodded enthusiastically, though he could feel the heat in his suddenly blushing cheeks.   
"I did.. or, I tried to at least. I just.. wanted to make you feel a little better or something."   
"They're really beautiful..."  
"Kiku, um, are you going to be okay after last night? You won't do anything like that again, right?"  
"Of course I won't. It was extremely foolish of me. Once again it seems I've let myself be stupid."  
"You're not stupid, Kiku. Come on..."  
"Regardless... Thank you for the flowers... I'm sure I'll be alright."  
An uncomfortable silence followed, before Kiku appeared to be getting ready to shut the door.   
"W-Wait, Kiku." Alfred stuttered, almost reaching to stop him. "You'll come back to school on Monday, right?"   
"I suppose."  
"A-and also, is there anything you need right now? I don't mind getting you some groceries, or a takeout, or anything you need over the weekend-"  
"No. I can't just use you like that. Thank you for being kind, but I refuse."  
"Alright, but... You're gonna be okay, right? I'm just worried about you.."  
"You need not be. I will be fine. Goodbye, Mr. Jones."  
"See you later, Kiku. Take a nap or something, okay?"

Kiku shut the door.

Alfred left the block with complicated feelings over what'd just happened. 

Kiku had been.. distant and cold. Again. He seemed so worn out and broken down, and Alfred simply prayed that he took the advice and had a nap at the very least. The poor guy deserved it. Even though he'd spoken in an aloof manner, sort of detached at first, Alfred still felt like there had been _something_ there. He hadn't outright turned Alfred away, after all. 

He wished he'd been able to see Kiku smile or something. 

As selfish as that was. 


	16. You almost look like an angel in this light, with rain pouring down your face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magical, beautiful, gentle, angelic and divine.

Gilbert just sort of hoped that everything would be alright. Regardless of where Alfred's complete mess of a (nonexistent) relationship went now, he only wanted his friend to be restored to his previous glory.   
By glory, Gilbert more meant the way he'd been during that short lived relationship, rather than before. Something had completely changed about Alfred during that time, and it'd been a good thing to see.   
Even Gilbert, knowing Alfred so well, didn't quite get why he did that in the cafeteria that day, but in his thoughts he boiled it down to insecurity, and decided that's probably what it was.   
As for Alfred's current state, he hadn't actually seen his friend in a while. Not properly, anyway. He was there in class and they'd been making friendly small talk, but Alfred kept disappearing after school and at lunch, and last Friday, he'd even left before all classes were over. Now it was Monday, and Gilbert still didn't have a clue what was going on behind the scenes. 

Though, something that _had_ caught his eye this morning was how on his way in, he'd noticed Kiku walking up the path a little ahead of him. He'd walked with his head down, and he was alone, but having disappeared from school for over a week, just him being there was something.   
Nobody else seemed to notice Kiku's presence, and Gilbert didn't feel like it was exactly his place to go up and talk to the man, who was very clearly trying to stay out of any kind of attention. For that reason, he left him alone and continued going to class, hoping to find Mathias or someone else to walk with. 

That breaktime, he and Mathias were with Alfred just like the three always used to hang out. There was a weird quietness between the three of them, as whilst they chattered amongst themselves, nothing really meant anything. It was Alfred who wasn't the same anymore. Gilbert noted that he still seemed distant and inattentive, as his attention was elsewhere. 

"Hey Mathias, what happened to that guy _you_ were chasing up?" Gilbert piped up. It seemed this entire time, everyone's focus had been on Alfred. It felt good to shake things up a little.   
"Just on and off, you know how it is." Mathias half spoke, half laughed it. "You know I don't take anything seriously."  
"What, so you're dating or?"  
"I wouldn't say dating, just hooking up here and there, it's whatever!"  
The dane grinned, folding his arms behind his head in a nonchalant manner.   
"I just don't get attached. Way easier that way." 

Gilbert thought about it.  
"What would your little pea brain do if you _did_ get attached, huh, Mathias? What'd you do then?"  
Mathias shrugged it off.  
"Then I'd fuckin' roll with it! If I get serious about some little whore then fuck, so be it I guess."  
"You're an asshole, you know that Mathias?"  
"Uh-huh."  
Gilbert thought for a moment again, wondering if what he was planning on saying was a good idea or not.   
"I just wondered, cause that's what happened with Alfred and all."  
Alfred snapped out of his quietness, suddenly looking like he was about to take a swing for Gilbert.   
"Wait, _really_?" Mathias butt in before he could. "Is that seriously what's been going on? Cause you've been fucking off for weeks, Al."  
Alfred groaned.  
"Fuck it. I guess so."  
"Complicated huh?"  
"Yeah, now shut up about it, Mathias."

It was awkwardly quiet now, but Gilbert was able to crack some joke and get everyone talking again.   
They were about another five minutes into a completely different conversation when Alfred burst out with something unexpectedly. 

"I'm dropping it anyway." He said.  
Gilbert and Mathias went quiet for just a second, and stared at him.   
"What?" The both of them asked.   
"The whole... Thing. He wants to be left alone, and now that I know he's safe, I have no right to be screwing around in his business anymore."  
"You can't just up and quit like that!" Gilbert exclaimed. "What the hell have you been bettering yourself for this entire time if you're going to be a fucking quitter?!"  
"Look, I may not know as much, but I do know you're just talking like a pussy now. C'mon, Al!"  
Gilbert sighed, and put a hand on Alfred's shoulder.  
"Quit talking like a whiny ass bitch. Go and get him."   
Alfred was quiet.   
"Maybe I'll just... Maybe."

It was only later in the day that Alfred actually saw Kiku. 

In fact, classes had finished for the day, so Alfred was going to catch his bus. That last class had been so mind-numbingly boring, but Alfred had gotten through, and thank god, he could now go home and play some video games.   
He'd gotten a chance to ask Gilbert how his relationship had been, and Gilbert had gone into some twenty-minute ramble about how awesome he thought Lovino was, and how they were going somewhere at the weekend, and how hyped he was for it. Alfred was happy for him, but just more than a tad jealous. He wished that it was him and Kiku instead. It was selfish, but recently, Alfred had discovered how selfish he really was; it didn't surprise him anymore.   
Could he be blamed for such selfishness? Of course he did blame himself for it, but from an outsider's perspective, one might conclude that Alfred had simply made a drastic mistake, and everything after that had been born of desperation - hopelessness even. 

As he stepped outside, the cold hit his face immediately. Alfred shuddered a little, swinging his bag off his shoulder to scrounge for an umbrella in there. He pulled it out and put it up, glad to be sheltered from the rain; his coat didn't have a hood on it, so he kind of needed it. The rain felt like ice anyway - as it had been doing rather often lately. It was falling hard, hitting the paving with an aggressive splash each time. 

Deciding to make a move, Alfred stepped forward and got going, not wanting to miss his bus. He idly thought about his game and marched his way to the bus stop.

When he approached though, he noticed a small figure standing in the rain, waiting there. He'd recognise that no matter what anymore. 

Kiku stood there, and Alfred tried his very best to ignore him. He walked up, and stood, minding his own business. Kiku didn't even flinch, or look, or blink. He just stood there. So did Alfred. Alfred mentally noted that Kiku's bus usually came just a few minutes from now - but a few minutes passed, and it hadn't come. 

Late busses were fairly normal, but as the minutes went by, Alfred got more and more uncomfortable. It felt so awkward, standing here, trying his very best to ignore Kiku. 

He glanced down, and Kiku had his arms sort of folded, holding his own body like he was trying to keep warm. His coat lacked a hood too, but he didn't have an umbrella either. Kiku just continued staring downwards, his jet black hair plastered to his pale skin as crystal clear droplets of rain trickled down his face and dripped from his petite nose, his gentle lips, his round chin. He was shivering - but it was cold, and it was understandable. He almost looked angelic like this - but he always did, always.

Alfred couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't just... _leave him alone_. Not when it was like this. Not when Kiku was drenched, and shaking from the cold. It wasn't fair. 

He hesitated, but did it anyway. Gingerly, Alfred, umbrella in hand, reached across a little and held his hand so that the umbrella now sheltered Kiku, rather than himself.   
Kiku seemed to slowly register that rain wasn't hitting him anymore, furrowing his brow slightly in confusion, before he steadily lifted his head. When he locked eyes with Alfred, who was now getting rained on, his face softened. He looked surprised, but not mad, or upset. Just a little taken aback. 

Kiku's eyes were so wondrous. Alfred couldn't help but look right into them. Anyone else might have said that Kiku's eyes were dim and shadowed, but Alfred saw them as mysterious and enchanting. 

He almost leaned in to kiss Kiku. 

He couldn't help it. He couldn't stop being selfish, no matter what it did, because Kiku was an angel. A literal angel descended from the heavens, that'd come to save Alfred from his misery - and he knew he didn't deserve to come across such a divine being in his life, but Kiku had been there regardless. At least, that's what Alfred decided in his mind. 

However, he restrained himself, and he did not kiss Kiku.

Instead, he smiled sweetly at the man, shaking his hand out a little further, trying to prompt Kiku to take the umbrella. 

Kiku, very nervously, unsure of what Alfred wanted, reached upwards too, and went to take it. Alfred nodded as he did, signalling that it was okay, and kept smiling despite the fact that he was now getting very, very wet. Kiku's hand brushed against his as he took the handle, and even though both their hands were cold, the both of them still felt something warm from it - it's just that nobody mentioned it. 

Kiku realised he'd been staring, and quickly looked away, back at the floor, trying to hide his face in the neck of his coat.   
He still looked a little trembly, but he was no longer getting wet at the very least.   
Alfred couldn't decide if there was a hint of pink in his cheeks or not - but he decided that he too, should stop staring and just wait for his bus. 

The silence went on until a bus appeared over the hill, and it seemed to be Kiku's, because he signalled for it and waited. He turned back to Alfred, and wordlessly held out the umbrella. 

"Keep it." Alfred said, watching poor Kiku's eyes widen. "I know the walk from the bus stop to your place takes a little longer than it does for me."  
Kiku swallowed.   
"No.. Mr. Jones, I couldn't possibly just... Please..."   
Alfred's heart ached all over again. Kiku felt guilty over something so small, his eyes pleading and his voice silken. He was too much of an angel to even be real anymore.   
"You can give it to me tomorrow." Alfred replied, trying to be as gentle as he could. "Just take it for now, Kiku."  
Kiku stared back at him and blinked a little, before he nodded and turned away as the bus pulled up. 

He watched Kiku get into the bus and sit down somewhere, and in his mind, harps and violins played gently. Kiku just naturally induced that sort of thing. That calm, rested, almost dream like state. At least in Alfred he did.

The bus left, and Alfred stood in the rain, his glasses completely covered in rainwater and the droplets on his skin dripping the same way they had on Kiku.   
Alfred couldn't do anything about it anymore. 

How could he let someone so perfect go..? He knew he'd never be able to. 

His inner conflict continued, but as a gentle orchestra sang him into an imaginative state, and his heart grew wings, fluttering in his chest, he couldn't stop seeing that slight blush on Kiku's beautiful cheeks. 

His wet through, pale, patchy, acne covered, beautiful, _beautiful_ cheeks that Alfred wanted to caress so gently and kiss so lovingly. He'd do anything to hold Kiku. He'd do anything for Kiku. 

He couldn't _ever_ drop it.   
He couldn't, and Alfred was aware of this.   
Even if Kiku never loved him again, Alfred would never forget him.   
He'd never stop thinking about him. 

The bus started to come, and he signalled, happy to finally get out of the rain. 

Alfred decided, that if there was any... any small chance that magical, beautiful, gentle, angelic and divine Kiku Honda would ever kiss him again...

He would have to take such a chance, even if he didn't deserve it.


	17. Tear stains; Blood stains

It was cold, that day, and Alfred's breath visibly swirled through the air as he walked steadily out of the doors.   
His nose was even a little pink tinted from the slightly icy breeze, but at least today, there was no rain. He did have his umbrella back though, if it had been. He'd gone to class to find it left on his desk - no sign of Kiku. That was understandable, given everything.

Alfred breathed in that same cold air, letting it fill his lungs and cool him down. Today, he felt rather calm. Yesterday, he'd just been happy to see Kiku - to see that he was seemingly doing fine, and had come back like he had said he would.

Finally, Alfred felt as if today, he could just go home and relax. He could cook some food - pick out one of those recipes that, despite all the trouble, he'd still been spending hours a week learning - and make something nice for himself. Then he'd watch a movie or something, and then maybe even get an early night and some sleep that admittedly, he'd missed out on lately. 

To Alfred, that sounded like a plan, and he continued walking to leave the school grounds. 

Except, for the second day in a row, something stopped him in his tracks.

In front of him, Kiku knelt on the gravel, and though he faced away, it was obvious that he was sniffling a little. He seemed to be trying to dust himself off, brushing dirt from his black trousers. 

Alfred had stared for a mere couple of seconds, wondering what was going on. It was then that he noticed the blood on Kiku's hand and went rushing over. 

Kiku looked a little displeased to see him, but Alfred squatted down to where he was kneeling on the floor.   
Alfred asked if everything was okay, sincere about it, for, at this stage... Kiku being okay was the only thing he cared about all that much.   
Kiku explained that he was fine, but Alfred insisted on making sure. 

"I tripped." Kiku said plainly. "I just have really bad luck."  
He didn't look at Alfred, he stared at the floor. He tried to hide any form of emotion - any hint of what he was feeling inside. It worked, because Alfred couldn't tell how fast his heart was pounding.   
"You have bad luck alright..." Alfred replied, far softer about it than he'd usually ever be.

They spent a moment of quiet, but it didn't exactly last long. 

"Hey, you gonna show me that hand?"  
"E-Excuse me?"  
"I saw blood just now, did you cut it?"  
"Oh. Yes. I will clean it when I get home."  
"No way! It'll totally be infected by then!"  
"Why would you care?"  
Alfred swallowed and avoided the question. It seemed like a rather ridiculous question in the first place, and it seemed even more like Kiku was testing him.  
"Show me."  
"No."  
"I care because I don't want you to get that infected, is that goddamn good enough for you?"

Kiku huffed and reluctantly held up his palm - to confirm Alfred's suspicions, the pale skin was wounded with grazes and almost burns. It was even still bleeding a little.  
"Kiku.. can I see your other hand..?"  
Again, Kiku slowly showed his right palm, which was similarly covered in fresh wounds. 

"Alrighty." Alfred said, standing up again. "I'm taking you to the nurse."  
"N-No you're not." Kiku mumbled, knowing that by this point he was just about defeated.  
Still sitting on the floor, he still avoided looking in Alfred's direction. It seemed like he was waiting for him to leave; the both of them knew this wasn't happening. 

"You can... get up, right?" Alfred asked gently, leaning down in case he needed to help.   
Kiku scoffed. Though he looked pained, and he winced at the movement, he prised himself from the floor and onto his feet.   
He gasped in shock when Alfred put an arm around his back, leaning down to accommodate Kiku's height. 

"Don't touch me-" Kiku protested, only half-heartedly trying to wriggle away. "Get off, I don't like it- I hate it-"

Alfred blinked at him. 

"Seriously, Kiku. You're in pain... Just let me support you until we get to the nurse's office, alrighty?"

Kiku stopped fighting him, and nodded. Alfred set off walking at a very steady pace, doing anything he could to ease Kiku's pain. 

Somehow, Alfred felt like he'd caused even this, despite having absolutely nothing to do with it. It was still just one thing after another for poor Kiku, and he'd definitely started that chain of unfortunate events, after all.   
Kiku didn't deserve it. He had every right to be angry and to fight Alfred and to want to get as far away from him as humanly possible.   
It's just that, if Alfred let him go now, and Kiku's wounds became infected, then it would be Alfred's fault for not taking care of him, and the young man couldn't bear another weight to the burden of this entire ordeal. 

So he walked, steadily and silently, supporting as much of Kiku's weight as he could, trying to make him at least somewhat comfortable with the situation. Kiku did not look at him, or anywhere other than the floor. Alfred looked forward and kept his eyes on the corridor.

The halls were long, but not too long. After a few turns here and there, Alfred was relieved that they were finally here.  
He pushed the door open, expecting to see the nurse, but nobody was there. 

Just him and Kiku. 

"Ah." Kiku spoke first, pushing Alfred away from him as he stood by himself. "The nurse isn't here. In that case, I will go home and tend to myself."  
Alfred meanwhile, had found a first aid kit.   
"We can still use the stuff in here, look!"  
He pulled the little case down from the wall, setting it on the desk where there sat plenty of papers alongside the computer. Alfred gestured to the empty office chair. 

"No. I'm going home."

Alfred just looked at him.   
Kiku turned sharply, and grabbed the door handle. He winced and pulled back his hand quickly, before turning it over to inspect his palm further. He wasn't verbal about it - he just sniffled and sheepishly shuffled over to the chair, sitting himself down.   
Alfred didn't say anything either. He just started getting things out of the box. He found some wipes, and some light bandage, and he set them aside. 

It was deafeningly quiet. Alfred couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. He was hurting, and anything would hurt less than sitting here with Kiku, in complete silence. He wanted to speak, but he couldn't find the courage all of a sudden. 

Alfred was afraid in the moment; what of, he wasn't sure. His heart thudded loudly in his chest and he suddenly dreaded looking at Kiku in just a second. Perhaps it was the fact that they were alone. That it was just them, and anything they wanted to do or say. 

He swallowed hard as he fiddled with the packaging of the wipes. He thought about what he wanted to say. He couldn't do this in silence. It would kill him inside. 

"I'm sorry." He said, without looking over.

It was quiet for another few moments. 

"For what?"

"Everything, Kiku."

Alfred's hands were shaking, but he took the wipe from the wrapper, and turned to Kiku, dropping to kneel on the floor. 

"I fucked up big time and that's an understatement. I really hurt you, and that led to more things hurting you, and now you're sitting here bleeding."

"I didn't trip over because of you."

"I know, but it still feels like it might not have happened if you hadn't gotten hurt in the first place..."

He held up a wipe in one hand, and stretched out his other hand. 

"Can I... See one of your hands, Kiku?"

Kiku turned over his right hand and held it out.   
Alfred took hold of his hand.   
He was gentle, terrified of hurting Kiku even further, so much so that he barely truly _held_ that small hand, but rather just guided it to where he wanted it.   
With his other hand, he tentatively started to wipe the surface of the cut clean.   
Kiku made a face and let his eyes drift elsewhere.

"Um... You're really... I just..." Alfred trailed off - before trying again. "I really really am sorry, like... really... I didn't mean it... I promise."

Alfred breathed slowly, trying to keep himself calm. Somewhere he could feel intense emotion bubbling inside him. He couldn't help it.

"You're literally... You're so sweet, Kiku. You're incredible, and smart, and kind, and I don't think many people know about it, but you showed me that you have the biggest heart in the whole world... and I hurt you..."

Alfred reached for the roll of bandage. He so tenderly began to wrap Kiku's hand, taking every care not to catch the wound, doing everything to check it wasn't too tight. 

"I never actually... meant any of that, at the cafeteria that day. It was all those people I was lying to... but I didn't lie to you once about loving you..."

Alfred inspected the wrapping, making sure it was secure.   
Kiku kept his head down. He wasn't looking. Alfred didn't know if he was even listening.   
He was. 

"But for lying at all, I think it's what I deserved. It's just that you... didn't deserve any of it. Nothing..."

He moved onto Kiku's left hand. 

"So I'm sorry for lying about you.. for starters. I'm sorry for saying I didn't love you. That was the biggest fucking lie I've ever..."

It was getting hard for Alfred to keep the tears at bay. His voice was beginning to crack. It hurt, but it was the truth. 

"I'm sorry for begging you to take me back and stuff. I didn't know what to do and I just knew that I'd fucked up and like... God, I'm even more sorry for losing my temper in front of you, with that guy I mean. You shouldn't have had to witness that... I'm sorry they bullied you in the first place because of me..."

Once again, Alfred inspected the wrapping and decided it was good enough. 

"Can I... See where your leg is hurt, Kiku?"  
Kiku slowly leaned down to roll up the leg of his trouser.   
His knee was probably the worst of it. Crimson smeared down his leg, it appeared that Kiku had landed on something sharp - the gravel. Alfred set on cleaning it, being as gentle as he could.. and of course he kept talking as he worked. 

"I'm sorry that you had to miss all that school because of me... I'm sorry that you almost got yourself in trouble because you just wanted to explore.. you didn't deserve that... And I'm sorry that I came to check on you, and that I put you under pressure at all yesterday, and that here, I..."

Alfred leaned back when the leg was bandaged up. He stayed knelt on the floor. It almost felt like he couldn't get up. Kiku didn't move either. Only then did Alfred realise he was crying for real. He didn't know when they'd started, but the tears dripping off his cheeks were very real. 

"Kiku, you're... literally the most beautiful person in the world... the kindest, and you... I can't forgive all the shit I did..."

Alfred's body reacted harder, his shoulders trembling as he hunched over, unable to stop crying anymore. 

"I can't-, I was so fucking _selfish_-"

He gasped for air. 

"And I always have been- Even now- You shouldn't have to watch this shit!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Alfred began to plead. He didn't know why he was begging anymore. He couldn't help it.   
"You don't have to forgive me, I just want you to know that I'm sorry, I really am, I'm so sorry..."

Alfred lost it. 

The pain became too much to bare anymore, and his body shook violently as he sobbed. 

"I love you, Kiku! I'm in love with Kiku Honda and I have been this entire time, and I can't do anything about it and it's _killing me_, that I fucking hurt you because you're the one person in the entire world that makes my heart feel something _real_-"

Alfred leaned forward, buried his face in Kiku's lap. He didn't even _want_ to, he just couldn't fathom doing anything else. 

He became unintelligible after this. He just sobbed, and sobbed, and let himself completely dissolve. 

He couldn't stop, through his broken words, telling Kiku how much he loved him, how sorry he was for everything, how beautiful he was and how much he missed him. 

This went on for some time.   
Alfred's cries began to die down as his energy drained. The immense guilt consumed him again - the selfishness of what he'd done swallowed him whole all over again. Kiku shouldn't have had to watch that. He didn't even want Alfred to have tended his wounds in the first place. Alfred felt horrible, and he sniffled, trembling in the aftermath of letting himself go like that. 

"I'm so sorry-" he mumbled, trying to catch his breath. "I'm so, _so_..."

Alfred breathed, his face still buried. He couldn't believe poor Kiku had even been kind enough to let that happen, rather than push him off. 

His breathing halted - a small hand in his hair, coming to rest on his head.   
Alfred stilled as that gentle little hand rubbed and teased and played with his hair in a comforting, quietening manner.

"Shhh..."

"Mr Jones, it's okay now... Please don't cry anymore... You... have said enough... and I'm sorry too, you know. I do admit I... didn't often help matters by just shutting you out the way I did even earlier today. Please don't cry... I think it's over now."

Alfred felt Kiku shift and his entire body froze up when he felt Kiku's lips press lightly to the top of his head. 

When he pulled away, he trailed his hand from Alfred's hair to the base of his jawline, and tilted his face upwards. He stared into Alfred's bright blue eyes, feeling butterflies in his stomach. He had almost forgotten how lovely Alfred was, underneath that exterior part of him.

"There wasn't a time where I didn't." Kiku said, his voice as enchanting as ever. 

"D-Didn't what?" Asked Alfred, in a little bit of shock.

Kiku tilted his head and leaned forward, his eyelids fluttered closed, and his lips met Alfred's gently, brushing against each other in a nervous, hesitating way. He was slow about it, but Kiku kept moving, breathing deeply, and he locked on eventually. He held it there, a tender, innocent act of pure love, and he let Alfred move next.   
It felt like a warm fireplace in the dead of winter, or a fullfilling meal after starvation. It was everything either of them longed for, craved, _needed_. Kiku sighed gently, but audibly, and Alfred pushed forward, his heart on the verge of exploding, his mind meeting pure euphoria.   
There could be nothing better than this in the entire world. A wonderful, magical act.

Kiku pulled away, caressing Alfred's tear-streaked cheek in his bandaged, wounded hand. 

"Love you." He whispered, almost looking rejuvenated somehow. He seemed to glow in the light. Just like an angel.

"I love you, Alfred. I love you."

  
"What do you... want to do..?" Alfred softly questioned. He didn't know what any of this meant, and he didn't want to jump to conclusions, even if his entire mind and body were soaring by now. 

"I want..." Kiku paused. "To try again, if you'll take me."

"Of course I'd take you, Kiku!" Alfred scrambled upwards so that he was standing, leaning over Kiku a little. He reached out and gave Kiku's cheek a pleasant little stroke with his thumb. "You did nothing wrong!"

"Just... No more lying anymore, okay..?" Kiku replied. "That goes for us both..."

Alfred nodded frantically in response. 

"Never- No more lying ever again. That was the worst mistake I ever made."

Alfred waited a few seconds. He leaned down again, right over the top of Kiku. He kissed him again. 

"Um... I realised that last time, we were never anything... Official..." Kiku mumbled as Alfred finally pulled away. "I just wondered if.. you wanted to try being boyfriends or something..."

Alfred grinned, smiling like he hadn't for weeks. 

"God, I would fucking love that, if you wanted to! I- I mean, does that mean I'm your-" Alfred's cheeks flushed red. "...boyfriend.."

Kiku felt his own cheeks blushing as well, and he swivelled in the office chair a little, looking away from Alfred slightly. 

He smiled a little.

He smiled, and Alfred could've cried of happiness. That was the most beautiful smile in the world, and he'd missed it so badly. 

"_Yeah_.. I guess it does.." Kiku replied. He looked back up at Alfred, still showing that little shy smile. 

Alfred came down to kiss him again. He couldn't stop himself. Kiku was so wonderful, and he was so happy. He half expected to wake up at some point, but the more time went on, the less likely it became that he was dreaming. No, this was real, and his lips met Kiku's again, in perfect harmony. He felt Kiku's dainty fingers on the back of his neck, and he sighed into the kiss as he reached under Kiku's arms and round his torso. He lifted him onto his feet, and kept his body pressed close to his. 

Alfred pulled away first, and before he could say anything, Kiku practically threw his head onto Alfred's chest, leaning right into him, his arms still up on his neck.   
Alfred gave the top of his head a tiny kiss, before he took to quietly petting Kiku's hair. 

"Hey Kiku, uh, do you want to maybe, like, come back to my place or something..? Like, n-nothing weird or anything, I could just make you dinner, and you could sleep over or something, I just-"

"I would really like that." Kiku said. 

  
"Hey, so like, I was thinking I could make you some ribs or something, I've been working super hard on my cooking and I really want to try this out, so I was hoping you'd like that! If not though, there's totally other stuff I can make too!"  
"I think it sounds lovely, Alfred."   
Kiku hung his heavy coat up on Alfred's coat rack as Alfred seemed to dash off excitedly into the kitchen. 

Kiku followed him shortly after, and Alfred turned round with soapy hands under the tap.   
"You can sit on the floor where we always used to sit if you want! I won't be too long because I already have the ingredients and... yeah!"  
Kiku nodded with an "okay", and went to sit down. 

It was nice just sitting in Alfred's place. It smelled like him, and it was warm, and was familiar and even felt safe. Very safe, despite everything that had happened.   
After talking in the office just now, Kiku felt like a huge weight had been lifted from him - like he could breathe again - and now he was here. He almost started to become sleepy, just relaxed and content.   
He could begin to smell what Alfred was cooking in the kitchen, and he realised he was getting hungry. Luckily for him, Alfred came through soon enough, balancing several plates.   
"Alrighty, so I made like, these ribs in barbecue sauce, and like, this salad dressing stuff to go with 'em, and uh, I hope you like it?!"   
He handed one plate to Kiku, and sat down with his own.   
Kiku noted that Alfred hadn't skimped out on his own portion, or the food altogether. That made him happy.   
He tucked in, and was surprised by how great it tasted. To tell the truth, although Kiku was a decent cook, the only things he was truly good at were Japanese meals that his father had taught him to make as a child. This was totally different from the cuisine he was used to.   
"It's amazing!" He exclaimed, almost forgetting to swallow before he spoke.   
"You think so?!"  
Kiku nodded frantically as he chewed on a rather large mouthful that he'd just taken. It was so good, and he almost ate like an animal. 

They finished roughly the same time, and then just talked. Not about them - just about other things. Just random things they could connect on. It was nice to get to think about something else even. 

It was getting late now. Kiku was getting visibly sleepy for real this time, and Alfred picked up on it.   
"Do you wanna go to sleep soon?" Alfred asked.   
Kiku nodded.   
"Where's your bedroom?" He asked, slowly getting up from the floor with Alfred.   
"Just in here," Alfred led him over to the other side of the apartment, and pushed a door open for Kiku to go inside. 

Kiku liked Alfred's bedroom, he quickly decided. It just smelled so strongly in here of hairspray, and cologne, and a little sweat even.   
He looked back at Alfred, who hadn't followed him in. 

"I'm gonna leave you, okay? You know where the bathroom is, right?"  
Kiku stared.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Well I was just gonna sleep on the floor in there, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable so like-"  
"I'm your _boyfriend_ now..." Kiku swayed side to side a little. "That means you have to come with me and hold me all night... right?"   
Alfred suddenly looked more shy than Kiku had probably ever seen him before, but he closed the door behind him and stepped properly into the room.  
"Guess it does." He said, trying to hide a smile he had coming on. 

Alfred went to rummage in his clothing drawers, and pulled out some shorts and a tank top that he proceeded to change into.   
He did so facing away from Kiku, but that was fine, for Kiku almost went crazy over the sight of his bare back. Alfred was gorgeous, and Kiku kind of couldn't believe he was still here with him.   
When Alfred did turn around, Kiku had just taken off his jeans, leaving his wooly, baggy sweater on with his underwear, and a pair of kneesocks that Alfred hadn't even noticed when he was tending to Kiku's cut earlier. 

He looked adorable like that, and Alfred half wanted to pounce on him and kiss his entire body.   
He was perfect. 

Kiku climbed into bed and Alfred followed him. It was soft, and warm, and safe, and everything else that they'd both already thought a million times. 

Something caught Kiku's, eye, and he picked it up whilst Alfred seemed a little embarrassed about it.   
"You kept this..?" Kiku asked gently, holding the little plush cat.   
"Y-Yeah..."  
Kiku stared at the cat for a few more seconds.   
"That makes me so happy." He said.

He put it down, and promptly snuggled up to Alfred, breathing softly into his shirt. He pressed his face against Alfred's firm chest, his arms around Alfred's back or at least, as far as he could reach. Alfred held him tightly. Just one of his arms fit perfectly around Kiku's entire body - using both, he could make sure Kiku was extra warm and safe. 

"You know I forgive you, right?" Kiku whispered in the dark.   
"I'm still trying to believe it at least." Alfred replied. 

"Kiku..."  
"You can... Say keeks if you want."  
"I'm just really happy, Keeks. It still feels like I don't deserve you... but I'm really happy."  
"We can work things out and it'll be fine... darling."

It was quiet for a while, and Kiku began to fall asleep.  
"I love you..." He breathed, before he finally headed for slumber.   
"I love you too." Alfred replied, holding him tight. "I really do."


	18. In the glow of the morning, you became the most enchanting sight in the world.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Somehow, Kiku managed to be more beautiful as he slept.

His chest rose and fell gently, and laid on his back, his head tilted to the slide slightly, the strands of hair that fanned out on the pillow made for an image that didn't quite look real. No, he looked more like a painting here, with the soft glow of the morning sun just making his skin shimmer a little, he almost seemed to belong in a museum. How Alfred wished this sight would last forever; it would be something that'd never quite bore him. 

Still, even though it was real, it didn't seem that way. Yesterdays events had been a long rollercoaster ride and now, faced with a tranquil moment, Alfred could reflect.  
This time, he would make sure to do it right. He had already decided this, affirmed it and made sure to solidify the thought. He would not forgive himself if he hurt Kiku again. 

How sweet and gentle Kiku Honda was so forgiving after everything he had been put through was beyond Alfred. It was certainly a phenomenon to him in the very least.   
Alfred laced his fingers into Kiku's careful not to wake him, and felt heat in his cheeks as he did. 

_"I'm your boyfriend now..."_

It echoed in his mind and was a thought that he couldn't seem to forget about. Oh, how wonderful a phrase. Alfred knew he didn't deserve to hear such things and he almost felt a pang of guilt but... To indulge in Kiku's most generous offer... Well, he _had_ already said yes...  
Alfred wanted to kiss him. His lips looked to soft and Alfred desperately wanted to push his own against them, as gently as he could manage. Would it be too selfish? After all, that was the one thing Alfred had struggled with all this time. Selfishness was his weakness. His largest, most destructive flaw. He didn't want to wake Kiku, either. During his thought process Alfred had leaned in a little and though he stopped himself, not wanting to kiss without Kiku's permission first, he held himself there, leaning over Kiku. 

  
Kiku's eyelids fluttered open and Alfred flung himself backwards, stumbling before he fell off the bed with a heavy thud. 

"A-_Alfred_..? Is everything alright?"  
Scrambling back upwards, Alfred's eyes met Kiku's and he wasn't quite sure what to say. His face was a flush of bright red and he held in his hands the blanket that he had accidentally pulled off with him when he fell. It hadn't exactly been a graceful slip. 

"I just- I wasn't going to- I-"

Kiku just looked at him, seemingly waiting for an end to the sentence. Alfred seemed a little stricken and his eyes trailed to the floor. 

"Sorry, I just..." 

Alfred dumped the blanket back on the bed and sat down again, still rather red in the face.   
"I was just thinking about how I'd like a kiss from you, but I didn't expect you to actually wake up, ha-"

Kiku patted the space next to him.

"Come here."

Though a little gingerly, Alfred shuffled over, embarrassed, and Kiku reached with both hands. Taking Alfred's face in his palms, he pulled gently, and gave Alfred the kiss he had asked for. It was soft, light, just what you'd expect from someone who just woke up. 

  
"You're different." Kiku muttered as he pulled away, barely reopening his eyes.   
At that, Alfred's heart practically leapt out of his chest and he swallowed, before his eyes darted over. Kiku was looking at him now. His eyes were dark, but in a way that Alfred could only describe as beautiful. If he could stare forever then he... He snapped out of it quickly.

"Like, G-Good different or..."

"Mmh, good different, I think. I'm not too sure but... Good I think."

Alfred fidgeted with his hands, looking over with his head lowered slightly. 

"Everything has been going so fast recently." Said Kiku. He looked away from Alfred, and rather directly in front of him. The window behind the both of them, rays of gold shone from the back and cast a warm shadow over their faces. Kiku's hair glinted brown and almost even gold in this light. Alfred waited patiently.

  
"I think I'm still trying to understand most of the things that have happened. My life is usually quiet. I don't think I've ever had such an eventful month."

  
"I'm sorry, Kiku..."

  
"That's..." Kiku seemed to pause and think for just a moment. He picked up the stuffed cat and held it in front of him as he spoke. "That's what's different about you, the most, anyway. You've mellowed. I don't really know how to put it into words but you... you're... softer. You're a little more hesitant and you're nowhere near as brash. Nor are you cocky, and it doesn't feel like your kindness is forced. You know... I think I actually like you more this way. A lot more, even."

Kiku entwined his hand back into Alfred's, and turned to face him. 

  
"I always knew there was more to you. You did some pretty bad things, but you were hurting, weren't you?"

  
"It's not an excuse for the way I treated you..."

  
"But you told me you were sorry, and I believe you. I can see it in your eyes. They're easy to read."

  
Alfred blushed harder all of a sudden.  
"They are?"

  
"I think so, at least. Right now you're feeling.. flustered."

  
"Wh-!? Can you seriously just see that in my eyes!?"

  
Kiku smiled. "Your cheeks are also beet red."

  
Alfred stirred the coffee, idly spouting words and quoting internet memes as he chuckled to himself. He giggled about something else as the spoon clinked against the side of the mug. He was waiting for Kiku, who was in the bathroom, washing up for class. Alfred sort of had an idea, but he'd have to put it to Kiku first. 

Kiku emerged from the bathroom, buttoning his jeans, sweaters in hand. His top half was bare but he didn't seem to be particularly cold. Alfred glanced, his heart thudding, before he went back to focus on the coffee.

"Thank you for making my drink, I really appreciate it."

Kiku spoke as he wriggled into a dark blue turtleneck. He pulled a cardigan on alongside it and came over to collect the drink in question. He lifted the mug to his lips with both hands and sipped a little. 

"Hey, Keeks?"

"Mmm?" 

Alfred had to fight the urge to grin. "I was thinkin', we could always like... Skip college today. I wanna take you somewhere."

Kiku swallowed before responding. "Naughty Alfred. Still as bad a student as ever... Besides, my attendance is awful as of now, so..."

"That's fair, I guess it's important to have good attendance and all..." Alfred smirked slightly. "But it'd be more _fun_ if you came with me, right..?" 

"Then.." Kiku's face displayed just a hint of a smile. "Where are you taking me?"

  
"You didn't think this through, did you?" Kiku asked, ducking his face into the collar of his large coat. It was incredibly cold out here. "The beach... in this weather..."

"Keeks, baby, there is absolutely no wrong time to go to the beach."

"When you can see your own breath, that is the wrong time."

Alfred reached down, and slipped his hand into Kiku's. 

"We'll have fun, and it'll be safe. I promise."

Kiku nodded and leaned his face into Alfred's arm. He closed his eyes and stood there in bliss whilst they waited for the bus. He was glad to have Alfred back. He had missed this. 

Kiku had not been prepared to take him back, but he _had_ wanted him. He had come to the conclusion that he would just have to move on with a broken heart and heal in his own time but yesterday... Alfred sobbing into his lap; Of course there were people out there who could fake that sort of intense emotion but Alfred was not one of them. It made sense now. Kiku had been confused before about how he could have faked such a deep affection, or how he could have faked such real insecurities but after yesterday, it all made sense. He still wasn't a hundred percent sure. Perhaps he was too trusting, but Kiku firmly believed that Alfred was real. He was almost, almost certain.

He clasped Alfred's hand tighter and nuzzled his face into his arm. Warm. He was warm, even out here where it was cold. Alfred was so warm...

  
They chatted on the bus, the train, pointing out interesting sights in the window, telling stories about their pasts. Somehow, they both decided, this felt just right. Everything was, at this moment, exactly how it was supposed to be. Kiku laughed at Alfred's silly joke, and Alfred's heart soared in response. That laugh was like no other. That laugh evoked feelings that nothing else could. Nothing except, just... Kiku in his entirety. His smile was extremely rare if you didn't know him. A little more common if you did but either way, every time he smiled was like a breath of fresh air. At some point, Kiku had leaned in, resting his weight on Alfred, and in turn, Alfred's head had come to rest on top of Kiku's. It was good. Very, very good. 

  
The beach itself however was just as Kiku had previously predicted. Freezing cold. Kiku had the sense to keep his hands tucked firmly in his pockets, and face hidden in his collar. He walked along the sand with Alfred, who had hooked their arms together in an attempt to be cute. Alfred, foolishly, had earlier gone and jumped in the ocean, only to be met with a shock when the water was colder than the air. Even though watching him shriek and splash around in a panicked attempt to get out of the cold had been embarrassing, watching him initially run to the water had been very, very cute. He had thrown off his jacket and charged for the water, launching himself off the sand and diving in, his manner youthful, playful, adorable - or at least Kiku thought so. The excitable way he ran and the way that his hair bounced - Kiku loved it. Now that Alfred was soaked and cold, they headed towards the nearest coastal town, where they'd be able to find a hotel; they hoped for one, anyway.   
It'd been quiet for a little while, but Kiku didn't mind at all. He enjoyed his quiet time, and it wasn't like an awkward silence. It was comfortable rather. He looked up at Alfred, whose head was turned away. He was looking out to sea. 

It was then that Kiku felt it, and pity took over in his heart. He wasn't quite sure when, but Alfred had started shaking. It must have felt kind of awful though, especially now that the cold, wet clothes were stuck to his body. The wind blew steadily too, so it was really no wonder that Alfred was so cold. Kiku noted that he didn't even say anything. Not one complaint, and yet he had to be feeling it, because his trembling had become constant. 

"Alfred.. stop.. stop." Kiku spoke softly, stopping in his tracks. Alfred listened and stopped soon after, turning to face Kiku, standing in front of him. "Look at you. You're so cold."

Alfred tried to laugh it off, but his face looked a little pained, and he held his arms. Even the jacket that he'd taken off to dive in the water was now sodden from just being on him. His hair was wet and stuck to his face, the natural waves just becoming visible again.

"It's not that bad!"

Kiku shook his head, and then began to unbutton his coat. He pulled it off rather slowly, and held it out to Alfred. 

"Take off that wet jacket, and put this on instead." He said, prompting a confused looking Alfred to take the coat. 

"Kiku..." Alfred trailed off. The smile had dropped from his face, but his expression wasn't a bad one. If anything, he just seemed surprised. "I can't! Then _you're_ going to be cold!" 

"I won't. I'm wearing several layers, even under the coat. You came out here with just a T-shirt and a jacket, that are now soaked in cold water."

Alfred swallowed.

"Alfred, don't you remember how it was raining just the other day? You gave me your umbrella, remember?" He watched Alfred nod. "You did what you could so that I wouldn't be cold anymore. I'm returning the favour. Please take it."

"Thank you..." Alfred softly replied. He was sincere, and took the garment, swapping it out for his jacket. Alfred hadn't really expected it to fit him, but since Kiku liked to buy oversized clothes, it actually fit rather nicely, despite still being slightly small. It immediately felt warmer, having been wrapped around Kiku this whole time, and Alfred decided to just carry the jacket in his hand. 

"Do you feel any better?" Kiku asked after a short while.

"Yeah, I do... Thanks Kiku..." 

  
The two didn't have to walk for much longer in the cold before they finally came to their destination. A small coastal town. It was a rather quaint setting, quiet, aside from a few gulls that flew over, calling out their infamous sound. The buildings seemed rather old, some even built in stone, and others much more modern. It was a bit of a mishmash, some buildings with bright lights, others with dim hanging lanterns. It clearly wasn't any spectacular seaside resort but.. just for the day, it seemed fun enough. Alfred took Kiku's hand again, and turned to grin at him. With a "let's go!" they set off on their newest adventure. 

The two wandered from shop to shop, and despite not having any money, it was still fun just being together. A few others, mainly locals, also wandered the stores and streets, but Alfred and Kiku were far too interested in each other to pay any attention to them. The crash of the waves in the distance was a soothing background track to the melody of each others voices, and soon enough the sky was beginning to glow orange yet again in an early winter sunset. By now, the two decided to find somewhere to say, and caught themselves outside a rather shoddy looking hotel. They got themselves inside and paid for the night with what little money they had, and headed to their room.

"Not the most glamorous of venues." Kiku remarked as he locked the door behind them. "But it was cheap, so that's very good."

"Yeah," Alfred continued as he finally pulled off Kiku's coat. "At least it's a roof over our heads, right?"

"Right."

Kiku sighed and flopped down on the bed, into the freshly made white sheets that smelled like some sort of floral fabric conditioner. It was more comfortable than he'd expected at least. Alfred went to shower in the bathroom and warm himself up, and Kiku rolled over in the covers, making note of the room and his surroundings. It was nice, actually. It seemed like an old building, with the structure of it, but it was clean, and warm. It had a little wooden balcony, with glass doors and a view out to the ocean. The beams of hot sunset light shone in through that glass and warmed up the room, and Kiku sighed audibly, the running water from the bathroom drowning out the noise. 

Kiku was almost falling asleep when Alfred came out of the bathroom. He sat up a little on the bed once he realised, and gave his boyfriend a soft smile. Alfred only wore a towel.

"Warmer now?" 

"Jeez, definitely. My clothes are still dryin' though, so I guess I gotta wear my pjs straight away."

Kiku swallowed, contemplating what he wanted here.

"Or you could... come over here." He spoke out. 

Alfred turned to him, and Kiku repeated the last three words he'd said. So Alfred did, and came close to Kiku, who tenderly placed his hands on either side of Alfred's abdomen.

"W-What're you doin there?" Alfred asked, his hands coming to rest atop Kiku's.

"I missed more than just kissing you." Kiku breathed in reply. He proceeded to look up at Alfred, biting his lip just slightly as his neutral expression turned into a devious grin. Now, *that* was a face Alfred hadn't seen Kiku make before - and he liked it. A lot. 

But he wanted to be sure that Kiku really wanted this, so he sat, hesitantly, on the edge of the bed, and held Kiku's hand.   
"You're not just saying that because you think it's what I want, right? Cause, I just want to be with you..."

"You've given me a craving, Alfred. It's like trying a new candy. I want more."

"Just.. Already? I thought you'd want to build up trust first - I mean, if you want to then I want to but I don't want to cause you any harm or anything like are you sure that you-"

Kiku leaned in, and got close to Alfred's ear. He began to whisper.   
"You said it yourself... I want to, you want to..."

With a tug, Kiku pulled an unsuspecting Alfred backwards onto the bed with him. This wasn't like before. Kiku had changed. All of a sudden he was in control, knew what he was doing, and meant business. He pulled Alfred down to kiss him, letting his tongue slide out of his own mouth. It was passionate, and Alfred let Kiku take the lead. He wanted Kiku to be the one to do this. He wanted this to be Kiku's decision. 

When Kiku lost his clothes, Alfred wasn't too sure. It had sort of been a hungry, passionate blur, but now they were here, bodies together, under the covers, kissing and biting wherever they pleased. Kiku, despite feeling almost too euphoric to concentrate, took it as an opportunity to say something that was on his mind. 

"You know.. I think.." Kiku spoke between gasps, his voice silky, smooth, sweet - almost like caramel, "...That it must be quite difficult for you... You're always worrying if you're good enough... how others perceive you.. and such."

Alfred gulped, as Kiku reached up from under him and stroked his cheek with the back of his hand. His face was contorted slightly as his body felt good and reacted, but he was clearly deep in thought at the same time. 

"You know... deep down, you're probably the sweetest, cutest person I've ever met.. Alfred." 

Alfred shuddered. That last word - his name - just rolled off of Kiku's tongue in a smooth, enticing manner. Sweat had begun to drip from Alfred, who felt molten at the core, his heart thudding loudly. Kiku took his face in his hands yet again, pulling him down once more to exchange a hot, deep kiss. 

"Kiku-" Alfred's voice shook as he pulled away, but Kiku's finger met his lips before he could continue.

"No. Shh. My body makes you feel good, right? Right now, _I_ make you feel good, don't I..?"

"Yeah-"

"So concentrate on that and let me finish what I was saying... I... I.. just need to say something.. here, now, whilst I'm the most intimate I can be with you... I needed to say.. That I'm in love with you, and this past month, maybe even more, there wasn't a single time where I wasn't in love with you and I needed to say that because if I don't right now then I-"

"Keeks-"

"Shh, Please. Let me speak, Alfred. If I don't tell you how I feel right now, in the heat of the moment then I may never pick up the courage to do so, Alfred... _Alfie_, I love everything about you. Your smile, your body, your cheerfulness and the way you shine brighter than most people could ever dream of, your way with words and people and... the way you say my name."

The room was silent for just a moment, aside from the two's breathless panting. 

"I'd never use such words lightly - that's something I could not ever bring myself to do, Alfred. I really am in love with you." 

Alfred looked a little taken aback.

"Really? All of that?"

Kiku nodded in response, and once more, he pulled Alfred into a kiss. Something hot dripped onto Kiku's cheek and he let Alfred pull away just to see. Cupping Alfred's face in his palm, he wiped away the tear as best he could. 

"You're crying..." Kiku gently remarked. 

"I'm sorry-" 

"Why...?"

"N-Nobody's ever said anything like that to me before." Alfred's voice was small, and he suddenly seemed vulnerable and open in that moment. "No-one... not ever..." 

Kiku reached with both his arms and legs, and clung to Alfred, pulling him completely down so that the little space between them disappeared. He held Alfred's head next to his, his thin hand entwined in the waves of Alfred's hair. 

"I love you too, you know." Alfred quietly affirmed.

"I'm glad. Now.. Let's finish this." Kiku whispered, and he closed his eyes in pleasure. 

Before long, the two laid curled up in each others arms, the room dark, the warmth under the sheets blissful. Just barely falling asleep, the both of them agreed silently, just by thinking it, that they had found something here. Tonight had solidified it. This was safe, wonderful, and perfect. 

This was home.

  
And when the morning came, Alfred awoke to a bright, golden ray of sunlight hitting his face. His arms were empty and he slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes, yawning slightly. By the looks of the lighting, the sun was only just coming up. The space next to him where Kiku should have been was empty, but a quick look around the room, and it didn't take long to locate him. 

Kiku stood on the little wooden balcony, leaning over the edge slightly. The sun rose in front of him, and Alfred could only see his mostly silhouetted back. He wore his underwear, and Alfred's now dry T-shirt from the day before, and the wind caused them to ripple. Strands of his soft inky hair twirled and danced in the wind along with the fabric of the shirt and he stared out to the sea and the sun, quietly. 

As soon as he heard movement, he turned to face Alfred and smiled. A warm, affectionate smile. He didn't need to say anything. Alfred got up, and wandered over to him as Kiku stretched his arm out, his hand open, his fingers inviting. Alfred smiled back, showing his teeth in a goofy, almost shy grin. He stepped out, onto the balcony and into the wind with Kiku, and he felt free.

  
Alfred took Kiku's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY!! the last chapter... Thank you so much to anyone who's still reading this and patiently waited for my last chapter to update!! I haven't updated in so long because I've had a very difficult year, but I think that goes for all of us... Still, I'm really glad if anyone stuck around <3
> 
> I hope I could deliver the ending you guys were waiting for! :)
> 
> Take care of yourselves, thank you for reading!


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